Christmas 2010

Christmas has come on gone but I will not forget the events of this year.

If you read my previous post you know that Christmas always brings on mixed emotions for me. What I didn't know is how many mixed emotions I would really be feeling this year. My mom called me a few days before Christmas and informed me that she would like to do Christmas on Christmas Eve with my brothers. She said that way I can stay with Roger on Christmas. She really wanted all of us there for Christmas. I happily agreed. I then called Roger and began to cry uncontrollably. My mom had changed Christmas. This was my last Christmas before I was married and now I couldn't spend it with my family. I was devastated. I cried and cried for days. All of the things that I look forward to were gone.

As I drove to my moms, I wasn't sure how this would all work out. My brother and sister-in-law came from California. My little brother and his girlfriend were there and so was my sweet love. We spent an entire afternoon together. I laughed with my brothers. I enjoyed their company. We opened gifts and enjoyed every moment together. My sweet brother and sister got me a picture from their wedding. It is a picture of me hugging my brother and my eyes are closed and he is hugging me back. I cried when I opened it. It was the most thoughtful gift I could have ever received. They knew just what I wanted and I couldn't be happier. We said our goodbyes and left my mom in tears. She was happy to have everyone there but sad to see us all leave. As we drove away, I silently cried. It was so hard to leave my mom. It was so hard to not do the things that we normally do. My mom even informed me that my youngest brother cried after we left too. It was just different but it was perfect.

From my mom's we went to Roger's family. Being with the Roses is something that I truly cherish. I love being apart of another family. I love being able to hang out and laugh with a group of people that I love so much. I loved being there with them on Christmas. They do Christmas late and do I mean late! 8:30AM!! At my house, we are done by 7AM! When I came out of my room on Christmas morning, Roger's dad was making muffins for us. It is not something you see everyday! Little did we know, he would forget they were in the oven and they would burn. It would make for great laughs later on though. We opened presents with everyone there, including Roger's grandpa. It was fun to see the excitement on their faces as they opened their favorite gifts. I have such a good relationship with everyone. Christmas was different at their house but I truly did enjoy it. I can't ask for better in-laws! And I just love my new brothers to pieces. God has truly taken me out of a broken home into just the home I needed. He has blessed me beyond words. He is what Christmas is all about. I hope when I look back to Christmas 2010 I will remember what He did in my life.

Christmas

Christmas has always held a special time in my heart...

The memories that I have shared with my brothers are priceless...

The times I have crawled into my mother's bed and just talked is so meaningful...

I will always remember not waking up my youngest brother so my middle brother and I could sneak up and look at all the presents without getting caught...

I will always remember making sure the coffee was made before we were allowed to wake up my mom...

I will always remember the first Christmas that we didn't get to spend with my brother due to the Air Force...

I will always remember the emptiness that even now I still feel towards this holiday...

I will always remember this Christmas, as it is the last Christmas before I am married...

{Sigh}

It is the last Christmas that I will spend with my family before I am married. I have mixed emotions. I am not sure how to bring our two world's together to make our Christmas special. I am not sure how I will feel when my mom isn't there to hand us our presents. I am not sure how Roger will feel with his brothers not by his side. It is the uncertain of it all that scares me the most. On the other hand, I am ecstatic to make our own traditions. Will we have a special breakfast? Will we read the Christmas story together? Will we hide our stockings? I am ready to make Christmas our own next year. I am ready to make it feel special. I am ready to feel like a family.

Christmas will always hold a special place in my heart and I cannot wait to see what memories I tuck away this year and for the years to come.

Merry Christmas, Everyone!

Happy Birthday, Savior!!

In Control

The semester is over and I have found myself with some free time so I picked up the Beth Moore book that my sweet friend, Tiffany gave me. I am still reading the book and today it really convicted me. Let me share a section that I just read...

"People who are chronically insecure {that's me} often have an overwhelming tendency to become control freaks. Upon serious consideration, that inclination makes perfect sense. We feel more secure when our environment is in control, and since no one is able to control it to our satisfaction, we decide we have to do it ourselves. If someone who do it and do it right, we wouldn't have to take over, so its not really our fault, we reason. It's our responsibility."

Right to my heart. It's like Beth stepped into my life and documented every minute of it. I am a control freak. Did I just admit that? I mean to a point that it is sinful. I feel all of this extra pressure because I have to do it right and I have to do it right then.

I have been stuck in the huddle. I know that I am a control freak but how do I release the grip on my life? It's easier said than done. I will start by honestly praying to the Lord who is in control of my life to change me. I need to change. I need to get out there and start the fight to end this war in my life.

Pray for me?

Stuck in the Huddle

I sat in Sunday School this morning not sure what I was going to "get out of it." I always seem to have this attitude that I cannot be taught, however, I was amazed at what I actually learned. At the end of our class, our teacher, showed us this video and it was just what I needed to hear.

The basic idea is this...

Think of your favorite football team. The quarter back calls everyone together and gives out the next play. They all call break and walk to the bench and sit there. A few minutes later, they come back and do the same thing again. They never actually play out the play that was called.

This is so much like our Christian life. Daily, we read instructions from the Bible, our playbook. We stand together in church, sunday school, or the like, hear the play and then "break." Instead of us living out the life changing truths that we have just heard, we go and sit on the bench. We come together in a week and do the same thing. Again and again we do this.We seem to never live out the playbook.

This is where I am. I go to church, I soak in what I need to and that's the end of it. I am sick of living this way. I am sick of hearing God's truths and turning my head the other way. It's not the kind of relationship I want with my Savior.

Is it the kind you want with your Savior?

.The Best 38 Dollars I've Ever Spent.

Every month I spend about thirty dollars in coffee, forty in food, thirty to have my blackberry, and thirty-eight dollars for Glory.

Glory is the Compassion child that Roger and I sponsor. Every month, thirty-eight dollars is taken out of my account. I do not make that much money. I work full time as an Aquatics Director, trust me, I do not make alot of money, but I make enough. I make enough money, with the help of Roger to sponsor Glory.

The BEST thirty-eight dollars ever spent...

Today we received our very first letter from Glory. I was so excited upon reading the envelope that I ran inside and had to show Roger. I read it out loud to Roger. There were tears running down my face. The top part is written in her language. The bottom has been translated. She is four and she wrote the most thoughtful words. She told us how to respond in her language. She told us about all the things she likes to do. She thanked us for sponsoring her. She said that our sponsorship means she gets medicine, food, and school supplies. She asked me what I like to do. She told me that she asks God to bless us abundantly. She told me she loved me. This little girl, whom I have never met, loves me and I love her. Then she signed the letter. In her handwriting, she signed her name. I touched it and imagined  her writing to me. She drew us some pictures one of a ball and one of a cup. Her hand drew me a picture.

 I read the letter thirty times over. I have a connection with this girl. I am in love. I instantly wrote her back and cried the whole way through. How amazing is this experience? I can give someone thirty-eight dollars a month and feel this blessed. I know three different families who are adopting. I adore them and every time something amazing happens in their story, I rejoice. They have a connection, they are helping the fatherless, they are giving a voice to those who cannot cry out. Now, I am able to do that. I am able to send my measly thirty-eight dollars to Glory and watch her grow up getting the basic supplies that she needs.

Do you have thirty-eight dollars to spare? I swear that it is the best thirty-eight dollars that you will ever spend!

.Thanksgiving 2010.

Thanksgiving is this week and that means Christmas is coming even sooner. I heard on FLN ( A Christan Radio Station in my area) that many people are just passing Thanksgiving by and going right into Christmas. I admit that my pink Christmas tree is already up in my room but I want to take this time to reflect on what I am truly thankful for this year...

• My Salvation. I could not be more thankful for the love of Jesus Christ. He washing away my sins daily and brings me back to Him in a way that I cannot ignore. I would not have anything without Him.
• My sweet love, Roger. He is my rock. He is the constant support in my life. There are so many things that I could not do without him. His unconditional love is amazing. Sometimes, his love puts me to shame. He willingly rubs my feet after a hard day or gets my blankie when I just need to cuddle. He is simply.the.best.
• My mother, Doreen. I have grown to love her more and more as I have gotten older. There are so many things that I could talk about here but let me share one specific thing. On Friday, I was having the worst day because of my car problems. I called my mom and she said stop what you are doing and come to me. Roger and I headed up there and with a simple touch from my mom, I burst into tears. I unloaded all my problems on her and she listened so willing. At the end of the night, she wrote me a check for the exact amount of my car problems. I did not see it coming, but she was there for me. She is amazing.
• Dave, Jeanne, and Jaxon. How many families do you know that can sit around and make train noises while playing with Thomas? How about the sweet laughter of child being tickled by his aunt? They are a strong constant in my life and I am extremely thankful for them.
• My best friend, maid of honor, Shannon. The renewed friendship is right from God. I never in my wildest dreams thought that I would be in this type of relationship today with Shannon. I love her dearly and she brings sanity to my life. We are both in the midst of planning a wedding and every time she offers support, love, or advice, I feel completely at ease. I cannot wait for what may be coming next in our lives...
• Sunday Night Football. I know this is odd to be thankful for, but I love being able to spend that time with Roger each Sunday. It is the only "down" time in my life. I absolutely love it.
• My new family, Beth, Mike, Ryan, and Reid. I cannot believe how much I love these guys. Most people dread going to their in-laws but I look forward to it. I love goofing around with Reid. I love when Ryan is home with us because he bring such a different mix to the family. I love my almost new mom and dad. They are always supporting Roger and I. They sacrificially help us when we come with broken cars or school bills. The family has taken me in and for once in my life, I am experiencing the love of normal family.
• My brothers, whom I miss dearly. I love hearing the sounds of their voices whether they are half way across the world or just downtown. They know me better than I know myself sometimes. I am thankful that Nathan has allowed Caleb to walk me down the isle and how happy each of them are for me. I am so thankful that they protected me all of these years from boys that didn't matter and have accepted the man I am going to marry.
• Glory. Operation Christmas Child. The million ways that we have supported children across the world. This year Roger and I have had a change of heart and we are able to help those in need. I am thankful for that opportunity. I am thankful that Glory is receiving proper care and that some child across the world will open our Christmas Box and be overjoyed. I am thankful for all the times that the cashier has asked Roger if he would like to donate a dollar and Roger says yes. We are so blessed and we are so thankful for the opportunity to be able to give back.

I could go on and on. I know that I could. I am beyond thankful this year. I have no words. I sit  here writing this post with blurred eyes. I have been given so much this year. Happy Thanksgiving, Everyone! I hope you can find things that you are truly thankful for.

Little Update

It seems that I write in spurts, nothing about my blog is constant. I do not post every Monday or post regularly about my daily activities. I guess my blog is a lot like my life. It is not constant, it is always changing and I never know when something is going to be a steady constant in my life.

There are so many details I want to share with you but am not sure if I should. I guess I should talk to my man to see if I can share some very exciting things. Both of our lives are kind of up in the air right now but we are looking for God's guidance as to which way we should go.

Right now, in my non constant crazy life, I need to focus on school. I honestly need to get through these next 2 weeks and I think I will be golden from there. I have presentations, tests, power points, and quizzes every Tuesday and Thursday until Thanksgiving break! Break will be here before I know it!

That means my wedding is getting closer and closer. 7 months until we tie the knot! My dress now sits in my room, begging me to try it on... I have resisted mostly because I cannot put it on by myself! Ha!

So that's my little update for you...who knows when I will update again! :)

Enjoy your day!

.Domesticate Me, Please.

I write this hoping {and knowing} that my Femininist professor nevers reads this. Surely, she would fail me!

I skipped school today. Normally, I reward myself with skipping one class, but today, it was the entire day! {Don't tell my mom...} I couldn't resist though! I needed this day. However, I did not know how much it would truly reveal about my heart. Here's what I mean...

I feel refreshed. I feel revived. I feel refreshed. I feel {dare I say it...} content. I didn't do much today. I cleaned up the house, did some laundry, organized my school work, emptied the dishwasher, cleaned out the sinks, made lunch for Roger, read my book, spent time with Roger, and even made cookies! I feel accomplished.

How many times after a long day of school have I been able to say that? Uh...never? I never say that after a long day of school I felt like I have accomplished something. So guess what? My heart has revealed to me how much I truly want to be a stay-at-home mom. I know that not all days will be glamorous and fabulous, but still they will be days where I can say that I accomplished something great.

Ladies who are already a stay-at-home mom, take great pride!!! You get this divine privledge to educate your children, to feed nurious your family, to provide a safe and clean home for everyone who enters. This is not easy work, you ladies work hard. Take pride though! You have been given this gift of waking up every morning knowing that you can feel accomplished. Although, I will be finishing my degree and looking to work for some time, I long to join you. You women, you make a difference.

Now if you would excuse me, I am going to enjoy my warm chocolate chip cookies with someone I love dearly. And hopefully the rest of my family will be able to enjoy them as well!!

Blinded

You when you get a new car, you think you are the only one who has that car? It happens to me all the time. I got my Tracer and thought that I had never seen one of these cars on the road before. Then out of nowhere, I started to see them everywhere. It happened with my Cobalt. (Even though I hate to mention I ever owned that car...) And it has happened with my G6. I can identify G6's from aways away. I just started to notice that these cars are truly everywhere.

It's funny because I didn't start to recognize what kinds of cars were out there until I had my own car. Once I was aware of it, I would see if everywhere I turned. This is how I feel about the Word of God. Two of my very dear friends are adopting and have shown me a passage that I pass over everyday.

James 1:27 "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world."

How many times have I read James and did not really let the Words of God sink into me? Now that adoption is so prevalent in my life, I see it everywhere! I hear about it, I talk about it, and I pray about. Once my eyes were open to the Word of God, I couldn't get away from it, just like my car.

So it makes me wonder... what other things in the Bible have I just skimmed over and not let God really get ahold of my heart? There must be more things. I couldn't really know everything about the Bible already. I pray that God continues to show me things that I did not know so that I can identify them everywhere! I want to see what God sees. I want my heart to break for the things that break His heart...

At Peace!

Where to even begin?

Remember before in my posts when I said that I thought God was going to do something big in my life? I have finally figured it out...

At first, I thought God was pointing me in the direction of waiting to get married, maybe it was too soon, I don't really know. However, I am so thankful to report that that is not what is going on. Roger and I are doing great and we are still getting married.

Next, I thought maybe God was calling me out of my Accounting field. I thought maybe I should be a teacher or do this Aquatics thing for the rest of my life. Once again, that was not it. God knew my heart and has placed me in this spot exactly where I am supposed to be.

So what was left? Well I didn't want to admit it, I swore this is what I was supposed to do. I told everyone  that this is what I was going to do. I convinced myself that I must  do this. I spent $250.00 on this thing. However, everytime it crossed my mind, instantly I would get sick. My stomach would be off and I felt no peace about it. I have been struggling with this for weeks. My own little secret that no one has known about, until now.

People are going to laugh and think what was the big deal? This is nothing to worry about, but you must understood that I set myself up for it. I made a goal and I was going to follow it through. So here it is... I am not going to Graduate School. I cancelled my GMAT's and am putting it on hold.

See I told you, you are thinking wow big deal!  You got worked up over that?!? Yes, I did. I really have been struggling with it. There are so many things going through my mind but there are two main reasons why I am putting it on hold.

1- I am tired. I am exhausted. For the last 4 years, I have worked a full time job and traveled back and forth to school. No part of my college experience was normal. Many of you can remember what it was like to be a Senior and want to be done. However, many of you did not work 40 hours a week and go to school an hour away. I want to do one thing. I want to just work. I am sick of playing this game where I have to do both. I want to focus on my first year of marriage. I want to support my soon to be husband. I do not want to continue to do school and work.

2- What is the point of my masters? More money right? A better job? Why? So I can get a better house, a better car, or better clothes? This is wrong. My mindset going into this was wrong. I do not want those things. Even if I had the opportunity to do get these things, I would not purchase them. God is teaching me about the poor. My heart is broken for them. How can I justify going to school, spending $60,000 so that I can get a better job? My heart is set on things greater than money...

At some point, if I need  to go back to school, I will. I still would like to get my Masters as some point but now is not the time. Personally, I am hoping my future job will pay for it. So as of right now, I am graduating from Binghamton University with a 4 year degree in Accounting. I am excited for that accomplishment. It is a big one in my mind. (And my mom's...)

I am finally at peace. I know that this is what God wants. I am beyond excited as I let Him continue to control my life.

Update

Bulleted update on my life...

- My best friend Shannon spent the night with me after a Tastefully Simple party where we raised money for an adoption. You can check out Jeanne and Dave's story here. We stayed up for hours talking about everything. I have to admit, that I haven't had Shannon stay the night in years! It was completely worth it.

- Shannon and I have been spending a lot of time together, which is great because she is my Maid of Honor. However, the other day I realized that when she gets married, she will be instantly leaving me to move to North Carolina. I am starting to struggle with the fact that God put Shannon back into my life and will be leaving me in just a few short months.

- I attended a Beth Moore Simulcast with Shannon. It was one of the best experiences ever. I was one of 125,000 women who attended the event. It was world wide via the Internet but it was outstanding. I do believe that that day deserves its own post. It was just what my heart needed. I feel refreshed in my relationship with God.

-Wedding plans are coming along nicely. I finally got my passport in the mail so now Roger and I can book our plane tickets to Mexico. We found a fabulous deal the other day on tickets and are hoping to book them soon. Our wedding is in 8 months and I cannot believe how quickly it is coming.

- My dear brother is far away in California with his new wife. I miss him dearly. Constantly, I remember times of our younger years and just long to be back together again. On the plus side, I have been able to spend time with Roger's brothers, who will be my brothers soon, and that has been a blessing all in itself.

- My sweet fiance turns 20 on Friday and I cannot wait to celebrate his birthday. We are going out to dinner and just enjoying an evening together. Alone. It will be marvelous.

-I mentioned before, Dave and Jeanne are adopting. I live with them and am now a piece of their adoption puzzle. I have to get finger printed and do a physical. As of yesterday, this was a problem because I do not have health insurance. However, today, after months and months of looking for health insurance. I found it. Apparently, this year, I paid for additional coverage through my school without knowing it. This means that I have full health insurance and it is paid for. This is truly a God thing because I had no idea  a program like this was even offered!!

- God is working in my heart in regards to graduate school. On on level, I want to be done and go into work so that I can serve God on the front lines. On the other hand, I want to get my Masters so that I can be more marketable. This is where I struggle. Am I getting my MBA so that I can make more money or is there a reason I am doing this? I am searching and trying to figure out where God is going to have me serve with an accounting degree. ( I must admit, after listening to Beth Moore, I want apply to be an accountant for her...) I am just looking for my purpose and my place in the Accounting world. I already know that I am not like my classmates. I am not seeking a job in the Big Four, working long hours, and making great money. I am just not sure what I am seeking.

-Another blessing in my life, is that my dear friends, Jim and Tiffany are steps closer to bringing home their baby from Ethiopia. You can also read their story here. I know that I am not the person adopting but every time they get closer to bringing home their boy, my heart melts. Every step that they take closer to their son is a step showing me how powerful God is. I just love that God is providing and I cannot be anything but amazed. He cares about everything and is showing me this through this adoption and also Dave and Jeanne's adoption. Amazing.

Well, dear friends, I have written enough. My eye lids are screaming to be shut and I am finally listening...

Grad School

Let me explain something to you...

When I was applying for college, I just knew that I wanted to go to OCC for my first two years. I really didn't even think about it. I got the application and switched my major from elementary education to business administration without thinking twice. As I finished my two year degree, I knew I wanted to go to Binghamton University for my Bachelor's in Accounting. I applied and got accepted. I didn't think about it, I just did it. I am sure at the time, these decisions were harder than I am making them out to be, but it really just seems that simple. Well today, I signed up for my GMATs, these are business tests to get into graduate school. I am all of a sudden feeling very pressured and nervous. I hate that I have to wait for someone to accept me. I am looking into two grad schools, Penn State and Washington State University both for a MBA in Business Administration/ Management. Please just pray that this process goes smoothly and that I am able to make it through my GMATs alive. I will keep you updated on this process. I hope that going through this while I am finishing my senior year and planning a wedding will be a piece of cake. {HA!}

Meet Glory!

I have some exciting news...

Roger and I have decided to sponsor a child! We picked one today and her name is Glory. She is a beautiful 4 year old girl. She is from Tanzania, Africa. I do not know too much information yet but I do know that her mother and father are out of work. They are farmers and only have work when they are needed. Their monthly income is $8.00! Yes, you read right $8.00!!! I just spent eight dollars on my subway sandwich!!! I am so excited that our eyes have been open to this and love that we can help out. I will leave you with a picture and a link of the website. Maybe God will tug at your heart to do something more than just say, "I wish I could help..."

https://www.compassion.com/sponsor_a_child

School

Have I mentioned recently that tomorrow starts my Senior year of college! I cannot believe it! I smile at the fact that I have {almost} made it through college and grin at the fact of the work load that will come with my last year. I also have a lot of huge decisions to make in regards to my Masters. I kind of thought that I would take a year off and enjoy life but I do not think that is the wisest idea. I need to just suck it up and finish. So please pray for me as I start this journey of my next stage of school.

I have been busy planning a wedding and soaking up the last days of sunshine. I could write for hours about everything that is going on but I think I will withhold. I want to enjoy this quiet Sunday evening while I wait for Roger to return from work...

I may have screwed up my blog. I changed my title and my web address and I think it may have thrown something for a loop... Sorry if you have not been able to "follow" me lately...

Nightmares

I have been having nightmares of all sorts. I have nightmares about my wedding and not being ready in time. I wake up from a deep sleep sweating and terrified. I have been hearing all sorts of noises in the middle of the night. One night, I had to call Roger at 2:00AM to rescue me! I have not been sleeping well at all. I have not had a solid nights rest for days...

...until last night. I sat down with my Bible and my study on 1 Peter. I did my devotions like normal but then I prayed. I really prayed. I asked God to take whatever this is away from me. I desperately cried out to my Father. I need sleep. I mean don't we all? And you know what, He answered my prayers. I slept all night without waking up once! {Sigh}

I know that He cares about everything but I guess I never thought that He would even care about my sleeping habits. Praise the Lord that He does!! He cares about everything. What a blessing!

Peaceful

This morning was just what I needed. My family is gone on vacation so the house was super quiet. I was able to sleep in until 9:30 this morning! I got up and enjoyed a fresh cup of coffee and a warm bagel. I sat on the couch and just soaked in the peacefulness. Please don't get me wrong, I would take Jaxon's footsteps at 7:00am over a quiet house any day, but it was nice to sleep in!

Roger and I went grocery shopping yesterday. We bought all of our groceries for the entire week. I was able to plan our lunches and dinners. It is such a nice treat to be able to take care of my sweet fiance. I think this week is really helping me prepare for marriage. I am getting more and more excited about being able to take care of Roger all the time.

I've been really enjoying my new study on 1 Peter. It is really refreshing and there is so much information  that I have never noticed before. I am looking forward to sharing what I have been learning at a later time. Until then, I am going to dive back into another good book! What a great day. I hope yours was just as blessed as mine!

Rainy Day

I have been rearranging and changing around my blog. I thought since I change everything else in my life, I better change around my blog. I am still trying to figure out how to make a header. Oh well, maybe this weekend sometime I will work on it.

Until then, I am going to enjoy my rainy day with some good books and a movie! :-)

Lilly Planner

I don't know what has gotten into me! I am in such a grump of a mood. Do you remember how I normally help myself when I am in awful moods? Organize and clean!! After coming home from camp, I moved my room around and started to clean. I have not managed to deep clean everything but I am working on.

I also have been working on wedding plans. Today, I went and looked at flowers and am leaning towards big and bright Gerber Daisy's. They are just so much fun and so playful. I also got an organizer because certain things were starting to get out of hand. I am starting to feel overwhelmed about certain areas. I finally made a decision on who is going to walk me down the aisle! Such a sweet relief...

However, despite all of these things, I still have found myself in a crappy mood. But then I remembered.... my new planner came!!!

I know that the quality isn't very good but it is a Lilly Pulitzer planner. Apparently, Lilly is all about everything pink and green! {Match made in heaven} So I started to write my class schedule in it and organize my upcoming Senior year of college! It has taken my mind off of my rotten attitude... I just can't help it. I am addicted to organizing!!

On that note, I think I need to redo my closet... ;-)

Submission

Here is the honest truth. I am getting married in 9 months and 20 days. I am scared and today I think that I finally figured out why. I have no idea the way that marriage is suppose to work. It has not been modeled to me in a Christ like way.

You see...

My parents were divorced when I was 7 because my father was abusive sexually, emotionally, and physically. When they were married I just remember a lot of crying, fighting and "unexplainable" bloody noses. My father did not celebrate birthdays with us, he did not eat dinner with us and the only time he would play with us is when my mother insisted on it. Years later, my mom remarried to my step father, only to be divorced years after that. Their marriage was also far from perfect. He was too committed to his religion and not to his family. I thought so highly of my stepfather until I realized that he would rather put time into his church groups than into his family. He would daily choose several activities over us. My mother had her faults in that as well. She would often argue and undermine him in front of us. I never saw them love each other the way they were supposed to.

So here I am getting married and have not witnessed or grown up in a biblical marriage. Please, don't get me wrong, I have several solid examples; Jim and Tiffany, Dave and Jeanne, Mike and Beth but that is their marriage and they are not Roger and I. I am able to learn many things through them but yet I still feel like I am lacking.

Roger and I have decided to travel to Norwich to his home church for the remainder of the series Under Construction which focuses on the home. Today's message was perfect for me. It was on submission and about being a wife. I took so many notes and was soaking it in like the sun. I realized that I have so much to learn. Submission involves being yielding in my behavior, my loyalty, my respect, and having a gentle attitude. It does not mean inferiority by any means. What I realized is that submission is a heart issue. We submit to our boss at work but have a hard time submitting to our husbands. Truly that is a heart issue. What I realized in this whole process is that I spend hours getting ready on the outside but I do not spend the same time working on my heart. I could spend 2 hours in front of mirror trying everything I own on but spend only 20 minutes in God's word.

Submission for me is a heart issue. I have not seen it modeled before. I am terrified of being a wife because I do not know how to submit properly. I want to be able to give Roger everything that he needs and desires but I am lacking. I will be spending more time in God's word, searching out what it really means to be a wife. I need and desperately want to have a marriage that lasts. Pray for me on this adventure? It may reveal more about my heart that I am ready to deal with...

Chan

"In our world, where hundreds of things distract us from God, we have to intentionally and consistently remind ourselves of Him." Francis Chan

I couldn't agree more with that quote. I am reading Crazy Love by Francis Chan and it is rocking my world. I cannot even explain what God is doing in my life. He is drawing me so close to Him. I just love it.



Have a blessed, sunshine day!

Shame on me

If you were walking around a pond and saw a child drowning you would immediately jump into the pond and save the child. If there were thousands of other people around this pond, you would not simply look at this child and say of someone else will save the child. No, of course not, you would jump in and save the child because it is your duty to help that child. You feel obligated to help a drowning child.

So let's switch gears here...

Why is it that thousands of miles away, there are children dying and suffering because they are hungry and yet no one saves them? Why is it that people can see thousands of sick children on TV and turn their heads and say to themselves, someone else will save them. Why is it that people will jump into a pond and save a child but will not use their powers and gifts to save a child thousands of miles away?

Why do we feel compelled to save a drowning child and not a child that we cannot see? Shame on us, shame on me for not seeing the child that also needs my help. Shame on us for turning our backs and saying someone else will save that child. It makes me sick to my stomach knowing that I have done that and that others that I know have done that. Shame on me.

I have heard it said like this before, " If it[ it being the need to help all] were acted upon, even in its qualified form, our lives, our society, and our world would be fundamentally changed."

Exciting {Uh...} News

I just submitted my midterm paper for my philosophy class. It wasn't as bad as I had thought. I am however at camp and trying to write a paper at camp is like trying to breathe underwater.

I am enjoying my time at camp. I am exhausted. I have been spending some more time with campers this time around. I am really enjoying the relationships I have been building. So on that note I have some news... I was sitting in staff devotions yesterday and Boss told us that they were short 1 girl counselor for Junior High Week 2. I instantly turned to my friend and said I should do it. Of course, they laughed. I mean let's be honest, I have never ever wanted to be a counselor before. It didn't stop me. I walked over to Boss and told him I would do it as long as I get someone to cover my YMCA work that Friday. I am still waiting to get that stuff all figured out but as of now I will be counseling for the first time in my life. I am excited and scared all at the same time. I have been sharing with Roger about how I need to do something. I need to be stretched. This week years ago, changed my life. I am praying that I will be able to change a young girl for eternity.

I have so much to do and cannot write anymore. Keep me in your prayers. This is a huge task and I am nervous but I know that God is calling me to do this.

Continue to change me

I do not have time to post right now. My heart is heavy with so much. I just donated some money to an organization that helps get formula to children in Ethiopia. I cannot explain how God is changing me. When I am able to get my heart and thought together, I will post more.

Lord~
Continue to change my heart. Continue to open my eyes. Show me the need. Make it real in my life. Help me to see ways that I can help others. You are my Father. You are the Father to the fatherless.

Little update

Are we really entering into the 3rd week of July? Wow! I thought that time went fast at camp boy was I wrong. Time flies faster when you are at home. What a summer it has been so far. Here is just a short recap of what has been going on with me...

I have been working 12 hour days. 12 hours straight! WOW! I complained about being tired at camp, I will never do that again. These days are killing me. I come home so exhausted that I just crawl into my bed and hope that I hear my alarm the next morning. What a killer these days have been.

I started my second set of summer class. I thought that they would be easy. However, I was wrong. My health class is all about alcohol which is not a problem. However, the professor did not give us any due dates. Let me repeat. He did not give us ANY DUE DATES. That's right. You work at your own pace and everyone must be completed by the last days of class. If you do not remember I am type A. I cannot handle this no date thing. It kills me. How hard is it to make up due dates for us? So I spent the first day of my class retyping the syllabus with due dates so that I can function.

My other class is in contemporary moral issues. The issue are killing animals, abortion, and being gay. Great. What an awesome class to be a Christian. This guy tears Christianity to shreds. It is really a challenge for me. Right now I am trying to write a 3 page post on why I eat animals and I know I morally justify it. I was up until midnight last night writing and am still struggling to figure out how to answer his questions.

I wish I had more exciting things to report on. I may have figured out the wedding gifts to give out to our guests. I visited the reception hall and started thinking about decorations. I got a free room at the Ramada because they double booked on me. I am going to camp in a little over a week and a half. I am looking forward to this little vacation :) I am waiting for my dear friend Reilly to get to my house so we can spend some girl time together while Roger is playing Gus Macker. Just another weekend at my house...

Wedding Mess

After some very unfortunate events, I found out that my original wedding reception site had been doubled booked and that there was nothing they were going to do about it. They are letting the other bride have that day and I am out on the street. My original wedding date was June 4th but then my wedding planner had talked with another fabulous wedding reception site. However, the 4th was not available so we went with the 25th. This place is beautiful. I prayed and prayed that it would work out and it has until today...

My Maid of Honor informed me that her sister will be graduating highschool on the 25th of June! At first, I was like we will change the date and then my MOH told me not to. She said we would make it work. However, if I kept the wedding on the 25th her family would not be able to attend the wedding. Plus, she would not be able to give her sister the attention that she rightfully deserves. So here is my prayer, my whole heart honest prayer.... that somehow God would allow either May 28th to be open or July 1st. I prefer the 28th but I can live with the 1st. I just can't see myself not spending the morning with my MOH while she is away at graduation. I don't want to put that burden on her.

I know many of you are thinking what about all the other dates in June...*sigh* that is a different story. Roger's brother graduates the 18th and if we got married on the 11th we would not be able to be home in time to see him graduate. What a huge mess this is. Please, please pray for those dates that I listed! I would be so grateful. I understand that God has everything in control but from one almost bridezilla...I am freaking out a tad...

Just a simple post...

Well I have been as busy as ever and I will only get busier! After this next week my life only continues to get even more crazy. I start working well over 40 hours a week! Nuts!!! I have started to question why I am working so much? I mean what do I really need all of that money for? Couldn't I do other things with it? Couldn't I live a simpler life and not need to make as much. I am working through that issue right now.

Tomorrow I am going on a mini-vacation to the Darlings! I am pretty excited to "get away" from my house and my every day life. I am even more excited to have a sister's date with Cadi! OH and I finally get to ask this sweet girl to be in my wedding. I have had to keep this secret from her for months and I can't wait to spill the beans.

As for wedding plans, I ordered my dress. I can't remember if I mentioned that or not. It takes 4 months to come in! I can hardly wait to try it on again. Oh the agony of waiting. I started a wedding calendar that counts down the months until I get married. It has all of these helpful tips for your wedding. I am trying to not get too tangled up with wedding planning books and such. There is something out there for every type of wedding and it can get overwhelming!!! I have yet to answer the one question that I do not want to answer. Ugh. It has been wearing on me since a little girl. And maybe one day when I am ready, I will share that question with you.

My sweet love just pulled in and I am going to get dinner started. I am loving the life that Christ has given me! God bless!

Calendars

A simple trip to Wal-Mart made my whole day brighter! Want to know what I bought? A calendar...2 calendars actually! I got a new desk calendar for my office at work and then decided it was time to get a new work calendar to help me stay organized with all of my appointments, swim lessons, private lessons, office hours, and guarding hours. I am getting busier than ever as the summer is upon us, so it was just time! And trust me this girl could not be more excited!!

Here is a picture of my old work calendar...

I kept turning to the month of July and dreading how unorganized my calendar was. I know in my head what each of those times meant but I wanted to just be able to glance at my calendar without having to think. After all, what is the sense of organizing if it doesn't make life easier? The boxes in the above calendar were so small. There was no place to write notes or reminders, which is why you see a sticky note on the calendar. It was just too small! So I upgraded to this beauty...

It's triple the size of my other calendar!! I have just started to put in my appointments and work hours, but I wanted to take my time and enjoy it. I know you are laughing at me, but I can't help it! I just enjoy planning so much!!! I always said I wished someone would pay me to organize their life...it would be the world's easiest job!

So there you have it. A simple ten dollar purchase made my whole day better. What a perfect treat for me! :-)

Richer than most!

I am not rich by any standard of this earth. If one was to peak into my checking and savings account they would quickly agree. I make ends meet. I have my financial struggles just like the next person. I am not a billionaire, I am not rich...

...But I am rich. After hearing a fabulous sermon by Pastor Brian, I realize even more how rich I truly am! I am rich in every heavenly aspect. I often find myself complaining about the little things in life, but when I stop back and look at the big picture, I find myself in awe.

First and foremost, I have been rescued by my heavenly Father. The one who loves me more than anything. I have eternity to look forward to. I have a family who loves me. My mom is one of my biggest supporters. She is constantly cheering me on! I have 2 great brothers, Caleb and Nathan who I love dearly. They are pictured below at my graduation 3 years ago.

I also have the privilege of gaining a new family. Roger's parents, Beth and Mike are some of the kindest and most loving people I have met. They have adopted me right into their family before we were even engaged. I can hardly wait to get 2 new brothers, Ryan and Reid. They both are different in their separate ways but I love them the same. The bond that I have with each of them is inseparable. They each bring something different to the table. I love the days that I get to spend with them! They are pictured below on this Easter picture that was taken.

On top of that, I must mention that I have a Godly fiancee' whom I cannot get enough of. He is my rock. He is my best friend. I could not live a day without him. I cannot even begin to explain how amazing our relationship is. He treats me with respect and his continuous love for me is humbling. I am so blessed to be with a man that is so good to me! We are pictured below at the Red Sox game we just attended

Even after all of those people in my life I still have more that are worthy of mentioning. I have a unique privilege of having a relationship with a family that welcomes me with open arms. They have always trusted me with their children and have allowed to have a special relationship with their daughters, Cadi. She is truly my little sister. I pulled up a picture from last summer when we went to Virginia together. I can not even tell you how much I love and adore this family. Their Godliness shows in everything they do. I know I have mentioned them before, but how rich am I to have yet another family to turn to? How blessed can one girl get?

I could go on for hours about how rich I am. There are so many things that make me rich that I could fill a book. I am just so humbled by the blessing in my life that I take for granted. I am so glad by the simple reminders that these pictures have brought me. I cannot even begin to express how thankful that I am that God has made me rich in Him and His blessings. I honestly, do not think I could ask for more. Could you?

Swimming rant

Watch out I am on a rant!! Just bear with me here and maybe you will find some useful information.

I work at a pool. All day, every day, I watch parents come in with their children and try to teach them how to swim. I am a certified swim instructor. I know that there are many loving parents out there who can teach their children the basics of swimming. But be honest and don't pretend to be an expert. I am not even an expert. Anyways, I got side tracked...

Yesterday, I was sitting in my guard chair minding my own business when a mom walked into with her 3 year old. She felt the need to tell me that this child has never been in a pool before. I tried to hide my face of shock. Then the more I thought about it, the more I realized not everyone has a pool to access. So okay, I thought, maybe this isn't a big deal. She goes on to tell me that they have a pool. WOAH! Wait a minute here. She said that she has not felt that the child was able to be in a pool until this point. In her words, "he wasn't ready." Now, as you can probably figure out, I was dying to unload all of my swimming knowledge on this parent. However, I sat there and let her continue to walk to the pool.

As soon as the child hit the water he demanded freedom from his mom. He wanted to float with a noodle on his own but mother said no. She told him that he was not ready. ( I was shocked that the child even wanted to be on his own!!) Then the child wanted to jump into the pool with his mother's help, but the mother said no because once again he was not ready.

Ugh. I dislike parents like that. Not ready? Are you kidding me? That boy was born to swim. If a child of that age is expressing that they want to be own their own and swim, by all means let them swim! Teach them how to as best as you can. Give them the knowledge. I told this parent about the 3 year old that I have been working with, Jaxon. I shared that I purchased a child's sized goggles and taught him how to go all the way under water in the bathtub. I shared how we have been working on simple things like kicking so that when he gets into the big pool, he can explore.

I never would have told Jaxon that he was not ready to go underwater. If you let that opportunity slip you by, you will not get it again. I remember another 3 year old little girl, Cadi. She loved being in the water and by her 4th birthday she could swim by herself and dive. I never would have told her that she was not ready. If you let that opportunity slip by you, you will not get it again. I am teaching a 13 year old boy who is terrified of the water partly because his mom did not think he was ready to swim until now.

It's sad. Let kids be kids. Let them explore. I know that it is probably a hard things for parents to do this idea of letting go. You mean you actually want me to allow my child to jump into the pool? He isn't ready...no sorry...you aren't ready. Get over it. Okay that was a tad rough... nope get over it. By all means, make sure that the proper supervision is there. Of course, do not let your 3 year old jump into the pool without you being right there. I would never suggest allowing a child to play in a pool without an adult and or a lifeguard. Do not mistake me there. I just want parents to realize that their children want to learn and want to explore. Let them explore in the water, in their bathtub. Please!! I do not want to have to teach your 18 year old how to swim.

Maybe after my vacation, I will share some tips to getting your child to go underwater in their bath. They can start practicing as early as 6 months!!

Craving Structure!!!

The other day, I was in the worst of moods. I could not figure out what was wrong with me. I was so moody. I didn't want to do anything but whine and complain. I was super sensitive to everything that Roger said. I was taking thing so personally. For instance, I was watching a TV show and he texted me and asked me a question. Normally, it does not bother me to answer his questions but that day I was going crazy.

To be honest, I just wanted to go to work. I know it sounds crazy right. But since school has been out, I have had so much time off. I am losing my mind. I do not know what to do with myself. I have no deadlines. I have no papers to write. I do not have homework. I do not have no pressures. Of course, that sounds ideal to everyone except for me. I need deadlines. I need pressure. I need a balance of both things. Pressures and relaxing. Luckily for me, I start my summer classes in 1 week. I will fill some off my time off with school work and I am excited. I know I am a dork but I am really excited. I just needed something to do instead of sit around and stare at my walls. I know I am pathetic. I just need structure. I cannot wait to have this structure in my life again. Mark my words, I am in sure in 3 weeks, half way through my summer classes I will be begging for vacation again...

Never again...

It has happened. The day that I have been dreaming of since I was a little girl has come and gone. All of my expectations were fulfilled and the day is over. I will never again have that day back. It was {everything} that I had hoped for.

As I drove up to Syracuse on Saturday with my mother, maid of honor, and wedding planner, I could feel myself saying. This is real. The car ride was full of laughter and questions about the big day. We talked about the details that I had already planned and of the details that I would be planning soon. We talked about what dresses to try on. What styles I liked and what styles I never wanted to see. My heart was racing. This is real.

As we walked into David's Bridal, I was nervous. The lady at the front counter had me fill out paperwork about Roger and myself. I was shaking. It was really happening. It was real. My friends and family started to pull dresses and my heart sank. Polyester after polyester after polyester. I was so disappointed in the material of the dresses. I thought no way am I going to find a dress that I wanted.

I slipped into my dressing room and put on the most uncomfortable slip so that I would be smooth under the dresses. (May I add that after dress #2 I took it off). My consultant slipped a dress over my head and said alright let's go show them. My face was pale. I wanted to throw up. It was real. It happened. The moment of my first wedding dress was over. Everyone loved the dress. I felt okay in it. It was not my first choice for a dress but it was beautiful.

I tried on dress after dress after dress. The more dresses I put on, the more comfortable I became. Shannon, my MOH, quickly got the hang of slipping me in and out of dresses. She is my best friend. She knows me better than anyone and I was thrilled to spend that time with her. Then it happened, I put on the one dress that everyone said "that is your wedding dress." It was beautiful. My mom and Jeanne teared up. It was classic and flawless. However, I couldn't help but notice that it did not have anything that I had originally wanted. My fiance reads my blog, so I will not go into details, but trust me when I say that it wasn't "the one".

As everyone was wiping there eyes, I looked over to another bride and she had my dress on! I told my consultant to get that dress. It is everything that I wanted. My family was like really? No that is not for you. This is for you. I insisted on trying it on. As my MOH helped me into the dress of my dreams, she admitted to me that this was the dress for me. She knew it as soon as I put it on. I walked out with my head held high and told them that if I had to make a choice today. This was the dress for me. They were shocked! However, after the consultant added some simple touches to the dress, everyone quickly agreed that I was right. I had on the dress of my dreams.

I did not buy that dress. I am convinced that I can find another one that I love and is made of Satin. This dress had the qualities that I loved it but I think that there may be another dress out there for me. I feel like I cannot have found my dress quite yet but who knows maybe I have... I guess we will wait and see!

Another Victory!

Roger and I returned to Emmanuel Baptist Church on Sunday. It was a battle for me to return. I woke up several times in the night and I thought to myself, "we didn't really like the church, I had so much more time when we skipped church, I don't want to go back." I woke up with the same feeling. I dragged myself out of bed. I was thinking how can I convince Roger to skip church? Just then, in my heart, I knew Satan was attacking me. I could feel it. I could feel his presense in my heart. He was trying to make me miss church. He knew I was weak and he was working hard on me.

We went to church. As I sat there in church, I still had the same feeling. I prayed and prayed that God would fight this battle for me and that satan would be pushed out of the picture. I wanted God to have the victory. I wanted to enjoy church. Afterall, I really do enjoy going to church.

The Pastor started to preach the message and the first verse that he shared was the reason why I needed to be in church. The verse was Galations 1:6 " I am astonished that you are so quickly deserting the one who called you by the grace of Chirst and are turning to a different gospel."

Woah. Wait a minute. Did that verse say what I thought it said? Paul is amazed that we turn from God so quickly after Christ's body and blood was shed for me and my sins. This is a problem for me. I turn to other "gospels" all the time. I am not talking about religions but other things that make it to my to do list before God. I am talking about work, Roger, my family, my free time, and my wedding are sometimes put up before God. I am astonished. I am ashamed. I am humbled.

The message continued on and was excellent. It was everything that I needed to hear. It was about being faithful to God. It was just the message that satan did not want me to hear. However, it was just the message that God wanted me to hear.

Good thing God knocked satan out. Good thing God won the battle. Good thing God is more powerful than any other force...

Were to Are

" What then? Shall we sin because we are not under law but under grace? Certainly not! Do you not know that to whom you present yourselves slaves to obey, you are that one's slaves whom you obey, whether of sin leading to death, or of obedience leading to righteousness..." Romans 6:15-16

I came across this passage and read it 3 times over. To me it is so strong. The words that Paul writes from Romans are so clear. We have 2 choices, we can sin and be a slave to our sin, or we can obey and be a slave to obedience. How hard is this choice? Of course, everyone will say that they want to be a slave to obedience but how many of us are? I am being honest here. I want to be a slave to God. I want my life to over flow with HIS goodness. I want the world to know that I am a child of God. I want them to be able to tell that I am a Christian by my actions. And I admit, I have not been living my life like that. I have been living a life as a slave of sin. My thoughts have not been Godly, my words have not been kind, and my actions towards others have been short and quick tempered. I am a slave to sin. This is a constant battle for me. Is it for you? I feel like I get 2 steps ahead with God and then Satan pulls me 14 steps back. Oh Satan is a tricky one. He knows how weak I am. He knows when I am at my lowest points and he steps right in and makes me a slave to sin. However, there is good news! I do not have to live this way. Check out the last part of the verse.

" But God be thanked that though you were slaves of sin, yet you obeyed from he heart that form of doctrine to which you have deliver. And having been set free from sin, you became slaves of righteousness." -Romans 6:17-18

Did you catch that? WERE! We were slaves of sin. That is past tense. I made the decision to follow Christ with my whole heart and now I am not slave of sin. I am a slave of righteousness. Does it give you goosebumps? Can you just feel the Holy Spirit working in your heart, telling you that you were and not you are not. Wow! It does for me. It humbles and amazes me.

Dear Lord,
Thank you for this reminder in my life. You are stronger than Satan. You are stronger than me. I praise you. I praise you for the "were" in my life. I praise you for the "are" that I am now. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Wedding Plans

Well school is officially over for me until I start summer classes in June! I cannot explain the feeling of relief that has come over me!! I will have so much free time. I was telling my friends that I will probably be bored out of my mind not being in school but that is not true at all. I will be very very busy. Do you want to know what I will be doing?

PLANNING A WEDDING!!!

Just yesterday I came home and announced to my finance and my cousin, Jeanne, the perfect idea for my reception. They loved it! Of course one thing led to another and before you know it, Jeanne and I were in wedding planning mode. I don't feel like sharing all the details yet but I will let you in on a few.

Date: June 4, 2011

Theme: Summer

Colors: Kelly Green and Pink

Flowers: Bright Pink Roses

Wedding Planner: Jeanne

Maid of Honor: Shannon

Bridesmaids: Jena, Reilly... and a few more once I ask them

I made an appointment for May 22 to go and try on wedding dresses. I am so excited. I have so many ideas floating around in my head. I cannot wait to really dive into this project and make it the wedding of my dreams. So instead of sitting here and blogging, I am going to dive into these...

Converastion: Standards

I could sit here and complain, once again, about everything in my life. However, I want to share with you a very encouraging conversation that I had at work today.

There is a college student who works at the Y by the name of Dave. He is a great guy. He is so involved with his community and loves children. I really enjoy working with him! Plus, he is a Christian!!

So today we were sitting in our back office working on whatever nominal task we needed to finish and I asked him if it smelled like alcohol in here. We joked around about how different employees might be throwing back shots and that could cause the smell. He joked and said that it was probably me after a long swim lesson. Of course, I kindly replied, it could not be me because I have never had a drop of alcohol in my life. He was shocked. I mean shocked. He asked me why that was. I explained to him that I believe God gives us law makers for a reason. He allowed someone to determine that the legal drinking age would be 21. I am not 21 and until I turn 21 I do not plan on drinking. He thought that was amazing.

He asked about my family and if those things were taught in my family. I explained that my mother was a Drug and Alcohol Counselor and that my youngest brother was caught drinking at the age of 13 in our Christian School. So to answer his questions it was taught in my family but it was something that I had decided on my own.

He explained to me that it was very refreshing to hear that there are still people in this world who honestly hold true to many standards. He admitted that he was drinking before he got his permit to drive. I then felt this need to tell him how "weird" I truly was. I told him that my first kiss was with Roger, my finance, when I was 19. He almost fell out of his chair!! His first question was did I date in HS? Of course I dated, I loved being around boys, but never felt the need to kiss.

I strongly believe in waiting for your first kiss. I explained that I would day dream about meeting my husband and how it would break my heart to tell him that I had kissed several other guys. I wanted my husband to know that I waited for him. I wanted him to know how special this first kiss truly was. And trust me, when I was kissed for the first time, it was magical. He then came to the conclusion that Roger and I have not slept together, which is true. He was so encouraged by the actions that I had taken in my life. He kept saying how refreshing it was. He then said that he had a good girl like me when he was younger and let her go. He admits regretting ever doing that. I can understand why. I shared with him that a guy has recently approached me and told me that he wished he could have dated me. He said that the girls that he runs around with are temporary. I am the kind of girl that he wants to marry. Dave said the same thing. He was impressed with me and with Roger. He was impressed, even as a Christian, with our standards.

I am not too sure where I am going with this post anymore. I feel like there are so many things that I could talk about off of this conversation. So what to end with? I am thankful that I was able to grow up in a positive Christian home and hold myself to these standards, standards that the rest of the world cannot even imagine. Standards that make many guys come back to me and say that they messed up. Standards that make me who I am today. Standards that even now, encourage me in my Christian walk.

...

I will blog more when the semester is over in 8 days!!

For now...

We enjoyed our new church.

The sun is shining.

God is good to us.

Control

Control.

I wish I had control of everything.

This semester is killing me.

I want to control my semester.

I want to control my work schedule.

I want to control how busy my life is.

I want these next 14 days to be over.

I want to control my life.

I want to control but I know I can't.

Guess who is in control?

God.

Jesus.

Lord of all Creation.

Perfect.

He can handle more than I can.

He can handle more than I can.

He can handle more than I can.

Little Moments...

Did you know that even the littlest things make my whole day?

For example, let's take yesterday. I skipped my Marketing Class and slept in. I really needed to sleep! I was exhausted. When I woke up, Mrs. Darling made me eggs, toast, fresh fruit, fresh coffee and OJ! Talk about spoiled! Before I left for school, she had prepared some homemade Greek yogurt with cut up strawberries and honey for my day at school! I must have been grinning from ear to ear! How thoughtful she was!

Later that evening, my sweet finance, brought pizza to the Y so we could have dinner together! Our schedules are polar opposite so it was nice to see him around!

This morning, I heard the littlest footsteps come down the stairs. When I went to investigate, I found Jaxon sitting on our couch. I asked this very sleepy boy, why he didn't wake up Mommy and Daddy and he replied, " they were sleeping so well, I didn't want to wake them!" What a sweet boy! He is almost 3 and is so tender in his ways! I hope his parents keep instilling this quality in him!

Another little thing that just made me smile was a tweet I got earlier. You see, I went to TC3 to get my summer classes straightened out and they lost my forms. They have no idea where they went. They received them because my health form was there but I was not registered. I sent out a tweet that summarized what I just shared with you. Almost immediately, I got a tweet back from someone I have really gotten to know over the past year. He simply said," Why can't it ever be easy for you?" I kind of laughed because he and his wife, know how difficult things can be for me. It was a simple gesture that really touched my heart!

And for my latest day brightener, I am getting off this computer, going out to the park and reading Accounting and International Business until I have to return to work!

Have a great sunshine day!!

I like {love} order...

I am going to share a secret with you! Are you ready? I like order. *GASP* Okay, okay, it's not really a secret! I mean who doesn't know that I like order?!?!

For school, I like check lists. Each week, I make of lists of things that must be accomplished, a list of things that would be nice to accomplish and a list of things to work ahead on. I then take those lists and break them down into small chunks of work. Each day has different tasks. I feel that this is easier than just keeping one big list because I often get overwhelmed if I do not feel like I am accomplishing something. For instance, today on my list: Read chapter 13 and 14 of my IBUS book, Read chapter 20 of my Accounting, Finish my accounting homework, and do my devotions. I was able to cross of those things off my list. I do not think about tomorrow's list just today. I will be honest here, sometimes I make lists just so I can cross things off!

When it comes to my work life, I also crave order. I have a planner that only holds my work schedule. It tells me when I have lessons, classes to teach, guarding hours, and when I need to schedule some office hours for myself. It also holds check lists of items to be done at the pool. ( The task today, clean out the guard shelf!! Gross!) I always tell people that if I ever lost my planners I wouldn't know where I was supposed to be.

When it comes to my home life, order is there as well. My room is almost ALWAYS in perfect condition. By that I mean, my bed is always made, my vanity is clean, my laundry is folded, put away by color and use, there is rarely any dust, and my floor is vacuumed 3 times week. I also plan out what I will wear every day and what I need the next day. For example, I just finished packing for tomorrow. I have my school clothes in one pile, my work clothes are in my car already for after work, my school bag is packed for tomorrow, and I have my pjs out for tomorrow night. Tomorrow morning, I will lay out my clothes for Wednesday into Thursday. I know you are thinking I am crazy! But I never have to worry about what I will wear! When I was in High school, it took me hours to get ready. Now, I can shower, do my hair, and makeup in less than 30 minutes. I like order. Have I said that already?

When it comes to my relationship, Roger knows what he is getting into. When I go to his house, sometimes he won't let me in his room because I will have to organize and clean it. I want his life to flow like mine does. However, I know that he does not share the same love for order. We have already talked about how our lives will blend together when we are married. He is hoping that our bedroom can be a mess like his is now! HA! That will never happen.

I believe in order. I believe that it makes your life 100 times easier. You never have to guess where something is, what to wear, or when your next appointment is. Sure, it takes some time up front to make sure things are in place, but it pays off in the end.

My problem is that I have a very sour spirit when things are changed around on me. For example, if I planned to study for a test on Monday and I was called into work, making me unable to finish my plan, I am not a happy camper. I am trying to be flexible. I am working on letting every day life happen. I do not want to miss any moments. It is very hard for me to just sit back and let life happen without a plan but I also will admit that it is more rewarding than order. Life is happening to me now and I am loving what it is doing. But remember, I like {LOVE} order...

Jeremiah 32

I wish I could give up. I wish that I didn't have to worry about this school business anymore. I have just had it with everything. I could sit here and complain and go on and on and on about how much I hate how my life is. However, I was driving to school the other day and heard these verses and realized that nothing is too hard for Him...

Jeremiah 32:17-20
"Ah, Sovereign LORD, you have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and outstretched arm. Nothing is too hard for you. You show love to thousands but bring the punishment for the fathers' sins into the laps of their children after them. O great and powerful God, whose name is the LORD Almighty, great are your purposes and mighty are your deeds. Your eyes are open to all the ways of men; you reward everyone according to his conduct and as his deeds deserve."

Countdown

29 days until this semester is over...

54 days until Boston Red Sox Game...

60 days until my birthday...

257 days until Christmas...

418 days until I get married....

Simple Tasks

I must say that this post is rather different. I am not normally like this. I do not normally enjoy little tasks like this but today I did. Roger, being the sweetheart that he is, bought me a brand new iron and ironing board! Normally, I would not be thrilled to receive such a gift. Afterall, I knew that he only bought it so I could iron his clothes for the funeral... Either way, I enjoyed this task very much.


Here I am engaged to such a tender and sweet man and he asked me to do a simple task for him. How could I refuse? I could not help it. I daydreamed about when we are married. I will be ironing his work clothes for him the week before ( I am a planner...) and enjoying doing the simple things for him. Maybe one day I will not love ironing his clothes but as for today I love it. I love taking care of him. Just the other day he came to me with his laundry basket overflowing with clothes and his sweet smile. I cannot say no to that. I can't wait to fold his clothes and put them neatly away. I cannot wait to organize them just the way they should be ;-) Simple tasks. That's all it is. Simple tasks that let Roger know that he means the world to me, even if it is only ironing his dress clothes...

A Better Place

Monday afternoon Roger and I got a call that we needed to head to Cooperstown immediately to see Grandma Rose because she would not make it through the night. We drove 2 hours to the hospital and when we walked into the room she was as witty as ever. We spent several hours with her not knowing what was to come. We left late at night and traveled an hour back to Roger's house. Once the family was all settled in for the night, Grandma Rose called and wanted someone to sit with her through the night. Mike and Beth, Roger's parents, went back to the hospital and sat with her.

Roger, his brothers, and myself stayed the night at his house only to head right back to Cooperstown in the morning. We did not know what the day would hold as we drove over there but nevertheless we went and visited some more with her. We stayed in her room for hours. We chatted with her and listened to her harass the nurses and her own grandchildren. We soon left to eat some dinner while Mike, Beth, and her husband were visiting her.

Once we arrived back to the hospital we were greeted by Grandma Rose's doctor and she told us that now was the time to spend some last laughs with her. She said that Joan always spoke so highly of her grandchildren and I would agree. She loved each one of those boys more than they will probably ever know. We quickly filed into her room and sat with her. We were chatting and enjoying some good company. The church where Roger's parents and grandparents attend is also an hour away but both pastors made it a point to come see us again. We sat with them and chatted and laughed once again with Grandma Rose. Pastor Brian said his goodbyes and asked Pastor Jim to say a prayer. Emotions started to fly. The prayer simply hit some of us hard and we were left in tears knowing that soon this would all come to an end. Shortly after both pastors left us, Joan decided she wanted to take a nap. She started to close her eyes and drift off, only to wake up yelling for Wendall, her husband. It was rough listening to her tell him that she couldn't carry this anymore as she called her name out each time. Each time she called, he answered. She was in pain. The nurses quickly came over and added more pain medicine to her so she would be calm. As did called for Wendall several more times, the pain of losing someone you love finally hit Roger. His mom was right there for him. She picked him up and held him in her arms. It was a beautiful moment.

Eventually, everything settled down and the clock was turning to 11:00PM. We were all exhausted. Grandma Rose was not in pain, she was just sleeping in her bed. Not sure of what the future would hold, Roger, Reid and I decided that we would go into the waiting room and make a bed and sleep for a couple of hours. I am not sure how but eventually we drifted off. We were side by side in each other's arms fast asleep. Around 12:45AM Beth came into the room to wake us. She said in a very calm voice, " It is over, Grandma passed away." We were still wiping the sleep from our eyes when she asked if we wanted to go and say our final goodbyes. Roger knowing that I am not comfortable with things like that left to say goodbye with Reid and I were chatting about what happened. Ryan was fast asleep on the couch above us. None of us reacted the way that I thought we would react. Roger came back into the waiting room, handed me my purse and we left to go back home.

It was a silent ride home. There was fog everywhere. It was very hard to see. It was a dark and dreary kind of night, perfect for what just happened. However, I could not think that dark, foggy, and rainy weather was the right weather for what just happened. If it was up to me, I would have planned for sun and beautiful weather. All I could think about was Grandma Rose meeting her Savior. The very God that created her, that knew her before He laid the foundations of this earth. I could see her meeting Him, she wasn't in a wheel chair, she wasn't walking, she was running arms wide open to her Savior. Oh the sun shone in my heart! It is such a beautiful thought knowing that someone is meeting the very God that I am worshipping today.

I am sure that at some point in the near future we will deal with sadness again. There will be crying and hurting families but for today while the world is calm around me, I am holding onto that image of Grandma Rose running to Christ. I know she is watching us. I know that she will be thrilled to see Roger and I get married from her heavenly view. I know that she is in a better place and that with time we will heal and will learn the new routine of our life without her. But she will never be forgotten. She will always be loved and always be missed.

Continue to pray for Roger and his family. The funeral, calling hours, and burial service is this Saturday. We would greatly appreciate your prayers.

A little of this...A little of that

There is so much going on. I am starting to feel the stress of the next 5 weeks. I can feel it building up on my shoulders, my heart, and my attitude. I have one more day of break and then it's back to the grind of things. I have so many thoughts going on in my head so I am just going to touch on each issue that seems to be close to my heart right now...

This weekend Roger and I went back to his house. We had a wonderful time with his family, especially his brothers. We were able to spend a lot of quality time with them as we drove back and forth from the hospital. I love watching their personalities. I love how they interact together. I love when they turn on their favorite song and sing all of the words, at the top of their lungs. I just sit back and soak it all in. I couldn't love it more. I cannot wait until our kids our playing together. I just love all of them so much.

I mentioned a hospital above because we spent a large amount of time visiting Roger's Grandma Rose. She is in the ICU. It does not look promising for her. We sat and chatted with her and she does not seem the same. She talked about the ceiling falling on her and seeing children run around. She doesn't seem to know what is going on. It is really sad. We aren't sure how much longer she will make it. It is a new experience for me. I am not used to dealing with death. I am praying that if the time comes soon for Grandma Rose that I will be able to comfort Roger. Pray with me, please.

This weekend I was also able to catch up with some of my favorite people! As I piled into a very familiar minivan and was all buckled in, my sweet "sister", said to everyone, "We are all together again" Cadi knows just how to pull on my heart strings. I just love that little girl so much. It is so nice to be in good company. It doesn't matter to me if I am holding 3 different little hands walking through a dollar store, I just love being around good solid families. What a blessing!

And finally my spring break comes to an end. Tuesday I go back to school for 5 more weeks!! It is going to fly by but it is also going to be some of the hardest weeks for me. Please pray for me as I balance everything in my life. I am planning on enjoying my last day by doing a tad bit of homework and spending the day with my family. One day at a time!

New Changes

How to start this post...

I have been on spring break this week and I must say that I have not missed school at all. It has been a nice break for me. The one thing that I have missed a ton is Roger. Roger started a new job this week. He started the cleaning position at the YMCA. The hours are perfect for him. He works very late at night normally 7:00-1:00AM. He loves being up late at night. He turns on his ESPN radio on his Ipod and cleans away. It is about 30 hours a week. Its the perfect amount of hours. He is finally making the money that he needs. Its the perfect financial security for him...

What's not perfect? Well, we didn't think about how our schedules would not longer mesh. I do not get to see Roger during the week like I used to. I see him through the glass walls at the Y. I get to have lunch with him sometimes. But as of right now, I am sitting home alone and Roger hasn't been over all week. I will not see him until Friday. The other thing that is not perfect is that I am not able to really talk to him like I normally do at night. We do get to talk some but it is not the same knowing that he is preoccupied. I miss him. I miss our conversations. I miss cuddling with him on my couch.

I know that this is a good move for us but I need to adjust to our new routine. I am praying that my heart will change. I am praying that this will prove to be a good move. Just continue to pray with me while my heart changes...