Craving Structure!!!

The other day, I was in the worst of moods. I could not figure out what was wrong with me. I was so moody. I didn't want to do anything but whine and complain. I was super sensitive to everything that Roger said. I was taking thing so personally. For instance, I was watching a TV show and he texted me and asked me a question. Normally, it does not bother me to answer his questions but that day I was going crazy.

To be honest, I just wanted to go to work. I know it sounds crazy right. But since school has been out, I have had so much time off. I am losing my mind. I do not know what to do with myself. I have no deadlines. I have no papers to write. I do not have homework. I do not have no pressures. Of course, that sounds ideal to everyone except for me. I need deadlines. I need pressure. I need a balance of both things. Pressures and relaxing. Luckily for me, I start my summer classes in 1 week. I will fill some off my time off with school work and I am excited. I know I am a dork but I am really excited. I just needed something to do instead of sit around and stare at my walls. I know I am pathetic. I just need structure. I cannot wait to have this structure in my life again. Mark my words, I am in sure in 3 weeks, half way through my summer classes I will be begging for vacation again...

Never again...

It has happened. The day that I have been dreaming of since I was a little girl has come and gone. All of my expectations were fulfilled and the day is over. I will never again have that day back. It was {everything} that I had hoped for.

As I drove up to Syracuse on Saturday with my mother, maid of honor, and wedding planner, I could feel myself saying. This is real. The car ride was full of laughter and questions about the big day. We talked about the details that I had already planned and of the details that I would be planning soon. We talked about what dresses to try on. What styles I liked and what styles I never wanted to see. My heart was racing. This is real.

As we walked into David's Bridal, I was nervous. The lady at the front counter had me fill out paperwork about Roger and myself. I was shaking. It was really happening. It was real. My friends and family started to pull dresses and my heart sank. Polyester after polyester after polyester. I was so disappointed in the material of the dresses. I thought no way am I going to find a dress that I wanted.

I slipped into my dressing room and put on the most uncomfortable slip so that I would be smooth under the dresses. (May I add that after dress #2 I took it off). My consultant slipped a dress over my head and said alright let's go show them. My face was pale. I wanted to throw up. It was real. It happened. The moment of my first wedding dress was over. Everyone loved the dress. I felt okay in it. It was not my first choice for a dress but it was beautiful.

I tried on dress after dress after dress. The more dresses I put on, the more comfortable I became. Shannon, my MOH, quickly got the hang of slipping me in and out of dresses. She is my best friend. She knows me better than anyone and I was thrilled to spend that time with her. Then it happened, I put on the one dress that everyone said "that is your wedding dress." It was beautiful. My mom and Jeanne teared up. It was classic and flawless. However, I couldn't help but notice that it did not have anything that I had originally wanted. My fiance reads my blog, so I will not go into details, but trust me when I say that it wasn't "the one".

As everyone was wiping there eyes, I looked over to another bride and she had my dress on! I told my consultant to get that dress. It is everything that I wanted. My family was like really? No that is not for you. This is for you. I insisted on trying it on. As my MOH helped me into the dress of my dreams, she admitted to me that this was the dress for me. She knew it as soon as I put it on. I walked out with my head held high and told them that if I had to make a choice today. This was the dress for me. They were shocked! However, after the consultant added some simple touches to the dress, everyone quickly agreed that I was right. I had on the dress of my dreams.

I did not buy that dress. I am convinced that I can find another one that I love and is made of Satin. This dress had the qualities that I loved it but I think that there may be another dress out there for me. I feel like I cannot have found my dress quite yet but who knows maybe I have... I guess we will wait and see!

Another Victory!

Roger and I returned to Emmanuel Baptist Church on Sunday. It was a battle for me to return. I woke up several times in the night and I thought to myself, "we didn't really like the church, I had so much more time when we skipped church, I don't want to go back." I woke up with the same feeling. I dragged myself out of bed. I was thinking how can I convince Roger to skip church? Just then, in my heart, I knew Satan was attacking me. I could feel it. I could feel his presense in my heart. He was trying to make me miss church. He knew I was weak and he was working hard on me.

We went to church. As I sat there in church, I still had the same feeling. I prayed and prayed that God would fight this battle for me and that satan would be pushed out of the picture. I wanted God to have the victory. I wanted to enjoy church. Afterall, I really do enjoy going to church.

The Pastor started to preach the message and the first verse that he shared was the reason why I needed to be in church. The verse was Galations 1:6 " I am astonished that you are so quickly deserting the one who called you by the grace of Chirst and are turning to a different gospel."

Woah. Wait a minute. Did that verse say what I thought it said? Paul is amazed that we turn from God so quickly after Christ's body and blood was shed for me and my sins. This is a problem for me. I turn to other "gospels" all the time. I am not talking about religions but other things that make it to my to do list before God. I am talking about work, Roger, my family, my free time, and my wedding are sometimes put up before God. I am astonished. I am ashamed. I am humbled.

The message continued on and was excellent. It was everything that I needed to hear. It was about being faithful to God. It was just the message that satan did not want me to hear. However, it was just the message that God wanted me to hear.

Good thing God knocked satan out. Good thing God won the battle. Good thing God is more powerful than any other force...

Were to Are

" What then? Shall we sin because we are not under law but under grace? Certainly not! Do you not know that to whom you present yourselves slaves to obey, you are that one's slaves whom you obey, whether of sin leading to death, or of obedience leading to righteousness..." Romans 6:15-16

I came across this passage and read it 3 times over. To me it is so strong. The words that Paul writes from Romans are so clear. We have 2 choices, we can sin and be a slave to our sin, or we can obey and be a slave to obedience. How hard is this choice? Of course, everyone will say that they want to be a slave to obedience but how many of us are? I am being honest here. I want to be a slave to God. I want my life to over flow with HIS goodness. I want the world to know that I am a child of God. I want them to be able to tell that I am a Christian by my actions. And I admit, I have not been living my life like that. I have been living a life as a slave of sin. My thoughts have not been Godly, my words have not been kind, and my actions towards others have been short and quick tempered. I am a slave to sin. This is a constant battle for me. Is it for you? I feel like I get 2 steps ahead with God and then Satan pulls me 14 steps back. Oh Satan is a tricky one. He knows how weak I am. He knows when I am at my lowest points and he steps right in and makes me a slave to sin. However, there is good news! I do not have to live this way. Check out the last part of the verse.

" But God be thanked that though you were slaves of sin, yet you obeyed from he heart that form of doctrine to which you have deliver. And having been set free from sin, you became slaves of righteousness." -Romans 6:17-18

Did you catch that? WERE! We were slaves of sin. That is past tense. I made the decision to follow Christ with my whole heart and now I am not slave of sin. I am a slave of righteousness. Does it give you goosebumps? Can you just feel the Holy Spirit working in your heart, telling you that you were and not you are not. Wow! It does for me. It humbles and amazes me.

Dear Lord,
Thank you for this reminder in my life. You are stronger than Satan. You are stronger than me. I praise you. I praise you for the "were" in my life. I praise you for the "are" that I am now. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Wedding Plans

Well school is officially over for me until I start summer classes in June! I cannot explain the feeling of relief that has come over me!! I will have so much free time. I was telling my friends that I will probably be bored out of my mind not being in school but that is not true at all. I will be very very busy. Do you want to know what I will be doing?

PLANNING A WEDDING!!!

Just yesterday I came home and announced to my finance and my cousin, Jeanne, the perfect idea for my reception. They loved it! Of course one thing led to another and before you know it, Jeanne and I were in wedding planning mode. I don't feel like sharing all the details yet but I will let you in on a few.

Date: June 4, 2011

Theme: Summer

Colors: Kelly Green and Pink

Flowers: Bright Pink Roses

Wedding Planner: Jeanne

Maid of Honor: Shannon

Bridesmaids: Jena, Reilly... and a few more once I ask them

I made an appointment for May 22 to go and try on wedding dresses. I am so excited. I have so many ideas floating around in my head. I cannot wait to really dive into this project and make it the wedding of my dreams. So instead of sitting here and blogging, I am going to dive into these...

Converastion: Standards

I could sit here and complain, once again, about everything in my life. However, I want to share with you a very encouraging conversation that I had at work today.

There is a college student who works at the Y by the name of Dave. He is a great guy. He is so involved with his community and loves children. I really enjoy working with him! Plus, he is a Christian!!

So today we were sitting in our back office working on whatever nominal task we needed to finish and I asked him if it smelled like alcohol in here. We joked around about how different employees might be throwing back shots and that could cause the smell. He joked and said that it was probably me after a long swim lesson. Of course, I kindly replied, it could not be me because I have never had a drop of alcohol in my life. He was shocked. I mean shocked. He asked me why that was. I explained to him that I believe God gives us law makers for a reason. He allowed someone to determine that the legal drinking age would be 21. I am not 21 and until I turn 21 I do not plan on drinking. He thought that was amazing.

He asked about my family and if those things were taught in my family. I explained that my mother was a Drug and Alcohol Counselor and that my youngest brother was caught drinking at the age of 13 in our Christian School. So to answer his questions it was taught in my family but it was something that I had decided on my own.

He explained to me that it was very refreshing to hear that there are still people in this world who honestly hold true to many standards. He admitted that he was drinking before he got his permit to drive. I then felt this need to tell him how "weird" I truly was. I told him that my first kiss was with Roger, my finance, when I was 19. He almost fell out of his chair!! His first question was did I date in HS? Of course I dated, I loved being around boys, but never felt the need to kiss.

I strongly believe in waiting for your first kiss. I explained that I would day dream about meeting my husband and how it would break my heart to tell him that I had kissed several other guys. I wanted my husband to know that I waited for him. I wanted him to know how special this first kiss truly was. And trust me, when I was kissed for the first time, it was magical. He then came to the conclusion that Roger and I have not slept together, which is true. He was so encouraged by the actions that I had taken in my life. He kept saying how refreshing it was. He then said that he had a good girl like me when he was younger and let her go. He admits regretting ever doing that. I can understand why. I shared with him that a guy has recently approached me and told me that he wished he could have dated me. He said that the girls that he runs around with are temporary. I am the kind of girl that he wants to marry. Dave said the same thing. He was impressed with me and with Roger. He was impressed, even as a Christian, with our standards.

I am not too sure where I am going with this post anymore. I feel like there are so many things that I could talk about off of this conversation. So what to end with? I am thankful that I was able to grow up in a positive Christian home and hold myself to these standards, standards that the rest of the world cannot even imagine. Standards that make many guys come back to me and say that they messed up. Standards that make me who I am today. Standards that even now, encourage me in my Christian walk.

...

I will blog more when the semester is over in 8 days!!

For now...

We enjoyed our new church.

The sun is shining.

God is good to us.