Submission

Here is the honest truth. I am getting married in 9 months and 20 days. I am scared and today I think that I finally figured out why. I have no idea the way that marriage is suppose to work. It has not been modeled to me in a Christ like way.

You see...

My parents were divorced when I was 7 because my father was abusive sexually, emotionally, and physically. When they were married I just remember a lot of crying, fighting and "unexplainable" bloody noses. My father did not celebrate birthdays with us, he did not eat dinner with us and the only time he would play with us is when my mother insisted on it. Years later, my mom remarried to my step father, only to be divorced years after that. Their marriage was also far from perfect. He was too committed to his religion and not to his family. I thought so highly of my stepfather until I realized that he would rather put time into his church groups than into his family. He would daily choose several activities over us. My mother had her faults in that as well. She would often argue and undermine him in front of us. I never saw them love each other the way they were supposed to.

So here I am getting married and have not witnessed or grown up in a biblical marriage. Please, don't get me wrong, I have several solid examples; Jim and Tiffany, Dave and Jeanne, Mike and Beth but that is their marriage and they are not Roger and I. I am able to learn many things through them but yet I still feel like I am lacking.

Roger and I have decided to travel to Norwich to his home church for the remainder of the series Under Construction which focuses on the home. Today's message was perfect for me. It was on submission and about being a wife. I took so many notes and was soaking it in like the sun. I realized that I have so much to learn. Submission involves being yielding in my behavior, my loyalty, my respect, and having a gentle attitude. It does not mean inferiority by any means. What I realized is that submission is a heart issue. We submit to our boss at work but have a hard time submitting to our husbands. Truly that is a heart issue. What I realized in this whole process is that I spend hours getting ready on the outside but I do not spend the same time working on my heart. I could spend 2 hours in front of mirror trying everything I own on but spend only 20 minutes in God's word.

Submission for me is a heart issue. I have not seen it modeled before. I am terrified of being a wife because I do not know how to submit properly. I want to be able to give Roger everything that he needs and desires but I am lacking. I will be spending more time in God's word, searching out what it really means to be a wife. I need and desperately want to have a marriage that lasts. Pray for me on this adventure? It may reveal more about my heart that I am ready to deal with...