Discovering...

After hours of pondering, I have figured out how I am going to start my new devotional quest. As I said previously, I have been struggling with the idea of Jesus. For so long I have been defining Him by the way I feel. So if I had a bad day, I would assume that God was not there for me and so on...However, that is not true, God does not change in purpose or character. So my thought was who is God? Not who is to me or who is to you, but who is He according to the Scriptures? And then it all feel into place...

I am starting in Matthew. I will read a chapter a day. I will journal about who Jesus is according the scriptures. Now, I am not an expert by any means. I do not claim to be a Bible scholar but a seeker of the Word and Truth. So let me share with you what I found in Matthew 1.

Matthew 1:1-17 was the genealogy of Christ. It was a tad boring I must say. But what I learned is the Christ was human. He had a family. He had a past that was recorded. Things that I knew but was still good to learn again.

Matthew 1:17-25
"This is how the birth of Jesus Christ came about: His mother Mary was pledged to be married to Joseph, but before they came together, she was found to be with child through the Holy Spirit. Because Joseph her husband was a righteous man and did not want to expose her to public disgrace, he had in mind to divorce her quietly. But after he had considered this, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream and said, "Joseph son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary home as your wife, because what is conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit.She will give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus,because he will save his people from their sins." All this took place to fulfill what the Lord had said through the prophet:"The virgin will be with child and will give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel"—which means, "God with us." When Joseph woke up, he did what the angel of the Lord had commanded him and took Mary home as his wife.But he had no union with her until she gave birth to a son. And he gave him the name Jesus."

From this passage, I learned four things about the God of all Creation.
1- He was our Savior. Before he was even born, he was predestined to save us. An angel appeared to Joseph and told him that the child that Mary was carrying would save us from our sins.
2- Full filler of Prophet's past teachings. With His birth, he had fulfilled all of the Old Testament Prophets. This man is no joke!
3- Jesus is Immanuel which means God with us. He is with us all the time. His name means what it means. We were told that we would call Him Immanuel before He was even born. Amazing,
4- He is a miracle in Himself. He was born to a virgin. He was a miracle before hew as born but still this is amazing to me. Yes the Lord of all Creation did miracles but He was actually a miracle!! Amazing.

I am amazed. It's the truth. I am so excited for this new study. I know that it may not be the best way to study the Bible but it works for me. I am loving digging into my Bible now. I am excited for tomorrow...

...hmmm...

I keep hitting my delete button.

I do not know what to write.

I want to blog though.

I feel like there must be something on my mind to share.

I am finding nothing.

Oh well, maybe another day?

Yes, maybe another day...

Semester Over!

The last day of the semester has finally come. I am proud to say that I have successfully completed my first semester at Binghamton University. It is a wonderful feeling!! When the semester is over I always have these great ideas about what I should do with all of my "free" time. Granted, I still have to work 40 err 50 hours a week but I really don't mind. Over my break I know that I will do the usual, sort through all of my clothes, rearrange my room, spring clean my room, and put away all of my old text books. They will be organized of course in a handy tub. It is pathetic I know. I really can't help it!

Anyways, what I am most exciting about it digging back into my Bible. I heard this quote once that went something like this, "we need to stop defining God by our feelings but by the Word of God." I am excited because for so long I have taking my experiences and emotions and put them into who God is but over my winter break I have decided to search the Word of God to see who God really is. I haven't really developed a plan yet as to how to act this but it will come to me. As for now, I know that tomorrow I need to buy a new journal to keep track of my new findings about God. Don't worry though, I will share my thoughts along the way...

Ahh... I love the end of a semester!!

Anticipation...

I love waking up early in the morning when everything is so still. Everyone is asleep, no one is running around getting ready for school or work. You rarely hear cars on the road heading to their destinations. No it is quiet. It is peaceful. It is the morning. This morning I found myself awake once again at an early time. At first I thought I was sick but that's not the case. I believe that my anticipation has gotten the best of me. Let me explain...

Last night, I went to a wedding for one of my friends. It was beautiful. I sat besides the love of my life and my best friend Shannon. Shannon and I instantly starting talking about our weddings. We critiqued what we saw Lora choose for hers and offered our suggestions to each other. When Lora walked down the isle, our eyes were glued to Chris, her groom. His face was priceless. I love watching the groom. Shannon and I cannot help but think of our own loves and how their faces will look on each of our wedding days. We were emotional through the ceremony and cried when they had their first kiss. It was beautiful. So this morning, I woke up with thoughts of wedding plans on my mind. Do I want Kelly Green or Watermelon dresses? Or both?! :-) I want a bright summer wedding. I want bright colors. I want to make a statement not to prove anything but just a statement that this is my wedding. I want to start to plan a wedding. I want get married sooner than a year and a half. There are a lot of wants in my wedding wish list but for now I am content with anticipation. I enjoy thinking, dreaming, and creating ideas in my head about my wedding. I love thinking about spending the rest of my life with the one I love so much. But for today, I will be content. I will be content in the moment while I have a wonderful lovely boyfriend. I will be content knowing that I am one of the lucky ones, being able to find love. I will be content with ideas and daydreaming. I will be content knowing that I will be engaged sometime. I will be content with anticipation...

What to say?

I have been itching to blog since it has been over a week and a half since my last post, but as I sit here to blog, I cannot think of anything to write about. I am exhasuted. I am emotional. I have nothing left to give. I am hoping to make it through these next 2 weeks then I will want to blog. I am sure of it! So just hang on and be patient. I will post again!! :-)

Pillows and Blankets.

I have been so busy that I have not been able to blog the last two days. Ugh!! I am just going to pick up with today. What's in the past is in the past, so I am going to keep going forward with my challenge of being thankful.

Today, I am thankful for many things, but currently, I am thankful for my bed. I had a rough night last night, tossing and turning only to be awake at 4am! Unfortunately, I had to be up at 5 so I was cut short a very precious hour of sleep. So, as I write this, I am exhausted and am so thankful that in an hour or so, I will be fast asleep. I can't believe that some people don't have a warm, comfortable bed to sleep in. I am so blessed to live in this country with all of these riches. I am blessed, I could say it a hundred times over and still not be able to explain how blessed I am.

Thankful for... football?!?

Today, I am thankful for....football. I know I know, some of you will laugh, but it's true. I used to hate the thought of watching a 4 hour game. I mean I could find a million better things to do, but now I find it relaxing. This all started with my boyfriend, Roger. His family watches football every weekend and since I spend every other weekend with them, I thought I should learn about it. So what did I do? Read a book, Football for Dummies, if I remember correctly. Although I do not understand all of the calls I understand the majority of the game. I do not have all of the players memorized, but I know who is on Roger's fantasy team. It is probably the only way that I relax on the weekend. I can watch an hour, fall asleep in the middle of the game, wake up and finish out the game cuddling with Roger. It is relaxing. I love that I am forced to relax every Sunday. It is a good feeling. So yes, I am thankful for football, as silly as it may seem!

My Boyfriend

Today I am thankful for many things, the weekend, my job, my safetly and health but today I am especially thankful for my boyfriend, Roger. Take a walk with me down memory lane...

Even from the start of our relationship, Roger has always been very caring and attentive. He tries very hard to pay attention to the little details. He would bring me flowers ever time he saw me (for the couple of months...) He always takes me out on dates or runs to the store when I am craving something. He never sighs about it but looks at like as an act of love.

He is always a listening to me, close attention to the details of my story. Many times I have spent hours crying into his arms about the silliest things. He never laughs about them or offers advice, just holds me and prays with me. I never have to worry if he cares about me because he is always showing me that he does.

I am thankful that he is a Godly man, that he is learning how to lead like Christ would lead. He is involved in an awesome group that keeps him accountable for the things he does. He ALWAYS comes back with a new plan on how to make his walk with Christ better. He is striving to please God in all he does. I couldn't ask for anything more!

Starbucks

Today I am thankful for Starbucks! I am glad that those people get up in the early morning to make my Peppermint Mocha Drink. Where would I be without it? I love that little pick me up in the morning :-) Thank you, Starbucks!

My Brothers

Today I am thankful for my brothers...

Caleb has a warm, sweet soul. Every since he was little he has always had a soft spot for animals and for people who are hurting. He always knows when something is bothering me. He knew the instant one of my relationships ended and immediately informed me that he would no longer be speaking to him because he hurt his big sister. He is just a wonderful person. I pray from the bottom of my heart that he has trusted Jesus as his Savior. Either way, I am still thankful for him and would never stop loving him.

Nathan has always been the brother that pushed my buttons. We would get into tons of fights about what to get for dinner or how to finish our homework. He was always right there for me. He always checked in on me when I would be very stressed. Now, he is engaged. My baby brother is getting married! He also is serving our country. He is in the United Stats Air Force. He is stationed in California. I love him to death. I hope that he stays safe in all of his travels in the Air Force. I am confident that he is saved, It is such a great feeling to know that I will have eternity with him.

Both of my brothers are very special to me in many different ways. I love them so much. I am thankful for them.

Thankfulness

I worked under a WSI 3 summers ago and recently she posted on her facebook a challenge. The challenge is simple, every day from now until Thanksgiving, post about what you are thankful for. Instead of doing that on my facebook, I decided to do it here. I may not have access to a computer every day but I will try my best!

Day 1:

Today, I am thankful for my clean car!! I am OCD. I love things clean and organized. Today my 3:00pm lessons were cancelled so instead I cleaned my car. I washed it and scrubbed it! I have yet to vacuum the inside and hang a new air freshner but the outside is clean. Little things like that make my day!!!

Are you going to take the challenge?!?

The One and Only...

Everyone must have something physical that they cling to to bring comfort. It may be a good book, a comfortable couch, a great relationship, your church, a teddy bear, your cooking ablitilies, or in my case a blanket... :-)

The details on my blanket were made by my Aunt Donna. When I was a little girl about the age of 6, she gave me this blanket for a present. She was always spoling me. When she orginially gave it to me, it was a tweety blanket. The purple center is the orginial...

The flower pattern is the new part of my blanket. A couple of years ago, I asked her to change the tweety to this pattern fleece flower pattern because the tweety was literally falling apart when you touched it. However, since I have had this blanket since I was 6 and am now 20 the blanket was getting alittle small for me. So, last year I asked her to make it large enough for me so it would cover me from toe to head. She took it away from me for 3 weeks!!! I was so lost without it, but when I got it back. She had added her special details to the blanket...

On every corner are these hand made flowers!! She is so crafty with her work! I absolutely love it!!! So why have I clung onto this blanket for so long? Well, it's simple, it's been through everything with me. I use to hold onto my blanket while tears fell from my face after my aunt would leave. I remember it being there when I was sick and was cuddled up on the couch. I remmber using it when my we had to stay at my Aunt's house because we weren't sure if Mark was going to come find us. I remember using it after my parents got a divorce, it was my comfort. I remember going through my first break up and spending hours sobbing into it. I remember using it when I was unsure of my college plans. For some reason, I thought it brought comfort and answers. I used it for all of my trips, as it always brought me comfort. I used it when my mom divorced my step dad. I used it for everything!!! It was the one thing that I loved to have and couldn't ever give it up. I have to keep it forever because its been apart of my life for so long. I am curious to see what other people have as a comfort item? Am I the only one who has something like this?

All I know is that I love my blanket...I am not sure that I will ever be able to give it up...

**this is my first post with pictures...bear with me**

Ten Honest Truths...

As an avid follower of my friend Tiffany's blog, I thought I would also do Ten Honest Truths! Like her, I love reading these truths so I thought I would pass along some of my own...

1. I love, I mean love to organize!!
2. I am terrified of having children some day. I cannot imagine handling the responsibility.
3. I hate teaching. It makes me nervous, not confident, and unsure of myself.
4. I have had the same blanket in my bed since I was 6 years old. It goes everywhere with me! (Alaska, California, Florida, Camp, Roger's House...you name it, it's been there!)
5. I am easily consumed with other's opinions of myself.
6. I have cried over a grade of an A- in a class.
7. I demand perfection out of myself and normally everyone around me.
8. I am a die hart romantic.
9. The smallest things brighten up my day. A child's laughter, a hug, a text message from a friend, or even a good parking spot.
10. I love being at home although I am rarely there.

I hope you enjoyed reading my honest truths!! Feel free to name some of your honest truths in your blog... :-)

Tuesday's with Bethany

How do I ever have the strength to get through my days?!?! Today is Tuesday which means my alarm goes off at 4:48AM! I have to be at work by 5:20. I pretty much roll out of bed, brush my teeth, and go to work. I fight through the sick feeling that I get up every morning that I get up that early. I lifeguard from 5:30am-1:00pm. It seems like a long shift and it is, but there are always people to brigthen my day. This morning, my favorite, yankeey loving old guy Tom brought me breakfast!!! He does this every Tuesday :-) I also know all of the members by name and they know me. I enjoy catching up on their weekends and talking about the newest town news. It is really a blessing to be so connected to the members at the pool. After all of that lifeguarding, I have two hours of office hours. During this time, I make schedules, fix current lifeguard problems, clean and organize the pool (which is my favorite thing to do!), schedule classes for different members, put lifeguards through orientation, and eat lunch! After my busy office hours, I teach 4 classes/2 hours of swim lessons. I wish I could explain how much I dislike teaching but I cannot find the words. Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy watching kids finally get the butterfly or freestyle, but the process is what kills me!! It is very tiring and I could spend a whole blog entry on lessons alone. After lessons, I come home eat a quick dinner, normally by myself then pack for Wednesday and Thursday. Tonight I should be studying for a test but I decided to clean my room and do laundry and sneak in some time to blog... :-)

How do I manage all of this? I have to no idea!! Everyone I know tells me I am crazy and I am burning myself out. My lifeguards have even asked me how I handle full time work and full time school and a long distance relationship! I wish I could share a secret formula about how to manage life. I would like to say that I am an expert in time management but I am not. The only answer I have for you is Christ. Somehow, even though I neglect Him somedays, He gets me up in the mornings. He is my driving force though I do not always give Him the time of day. I am so thankful that He takes care of me. I would be lost without Him. I know that my days could be worse if He wasn't in my life. So that is my answer. God. Christ. The King of Kings. The Lord of Lords. The God of all Creation. My Heavenly Father...

Smart Shopper...

I am currently sitting at work but there is no one in the pool, so I snuck out to my office to do a little Christmas Shopping!!! CBD is having there prefered customer's sale and of course I had to buy something :-). I was able to order Jaxon a Veggie Tales DVD 75% off! I got three Max Lucado Books for some of my girl friends to go in their coffee/hot chocolate gift set and they cost my only $1.99!! I got two devotion books (one for me and one for a friend) and it was 90% off!! So so so happy. I was also able to buy my wonderful boyfriend something. However, I cannot share that with you because well he reads this. I wouldn't want to ruin a surprise! Anyways, I love Christmas Shopping. I love giving! I am so excited with my purchases. What a great deal it was!!! Shopping this early in the morning is a great start to anyone's day!!

Late Lifeguards and Rainy Days...

If I haven't mentioned before, I have the world's craziest schedule. I mean the craziest. Let's start with Tuesdays, I work from 5:00am-5:30pm. No breaks. Lifeguarding, Office Hours, and Swim Lessons. I come home and talk to Roger and am in bed by 8! Wednesdays, I work 5:00-9:30am and then run off to school from 11-6:0pm... and this is where I will stop since that is as far as my day has gotten. Wednesdays my lifeguard is suppose to show up at 9:00am, leaving me a half an hour to shower, blow dry my hair, do my make up and get dressed. Well, she was late 15 mintues late. Which means I don't get to shower and rush to do everything else. It is very upsetting. VERY UPSETTING. Running this late means I don't get coffee :-( It was also down pouring the entire way there. I hate driving in the rain. And then I forgot my rain boots! What a soaking wet day it was. For the better part of my day I focused on these awful things. From 5:30am until probably 11:30am, I complained, grumbled in my heart, did not have a positive attitude. I was done with that. I was done with that awful feeling that I had in my heart. At noon, I said a little prayer in my heart and my day instantly changed. I was able to complete all of my homework in very little amount of time. I changed my shoes to my lovely hot pink crocs so that my feet could dry out. Accounting Class was great. I got out early and was able to squeeze in a quick lunch. My operations class also went well. All the problems were so easy and it actually wasn't boring. My MIS class as great only because I texted my amazing boyfriend the entire time. (Don't worry I took notes...you would have to be in the class to understand...) He just lit up my night! He always says the sweetest things. I just adore him!!! After my class, Mrs. Darling met me before her class and gave me some stuff to get subs for dinner. So now I sit in an oversized stuffed recliner with my all better blanket (a post for a different time), very content and loved...

So what is the take away from all of this? I strongly believe that God can change your day with just a simple prayer. God is powerful and in control. We just need to let Him be in control. We need to allow Him to apart of our everyday life. Amazing stuff isn't it?

The Honest Truth...

I used to journal everyday religiously while I was in high school. Whether I was gushing about my latest crush, my best friends, or my family, I was writing; always writing. I continued that trend all the way into college and would even find times to write over the summer even while I was at camp. However, when my mom and step dad decided to get divorced, I stopped. For a while I just blamed it on the fact that I didn't have the time, but that is not the reason. I hate writing. I hate journaling because it forces me to be honest with myself. How can I ignore my own thoughts about my day when they are in my mind. Sure I could lie or leave out facts but then journaling isn't doing what it is supposed to be doing in my life. I miss writing. I think that it is a freeing experience. When I write my thoughts and know that I have said what I want to say, I feel relaxed. I feel as if I do not have to carry all of these problems around in my head. I feel like I am almost giving them away and in a sense, I am turning them over to God. So why haven't I been writing? Is it the honesty of it all, probably. But this weekend I found out that my boyfriend writes. He is a journaler (if that is a word). He just recently started but he writes to free himself as well. If you knew my beloved Roger you would be shocked! He hates to write. Making him write a paper is like pulling teeth, but reading what is really on his heart, just melts you. I figured if he can do it, I definitely can...

So what to write about? Oh the choices are endless. I have so many thoughts running through my head. I think that I will settle on God's forgiveness. If there ever was a topic that I felt comfortable talking about it would be God's forgiveness in my life. I have and am still struggling with these Christian phrases that people use all the time. You know like God is Good All the Time and God allows everything to happen for a reason, those sayings that people tell you to make you feel better. Please don't get my wrong. I think that these are great things to say but I am working on believing them. And trust me that is a whole different post. For now though, I do know that God's forgiveness is amazing. I believe that He forgives you for all of your sins, that no sin is too great that He won't forgive. I know this because God has forgiven me from a multitude of sins, as far as the East is from the West. He has forgiven me. It is something that I often take for granted. Who doesn't? But isn't it amazing that He doesn't give up on us and keeps forgiving us for the same problems? It's ironic to me because we ask that our children give us first time obedience. We sing this song with the little boy that I live with that says something like I will obey the first time, never asking why and never with a sigh. He knows that if he does not obey the very first time that He will have a punishment. God asks the same thing of us and yet we mess up with the same sin all the time. We know that there is a punishment but we are like most toddlers and we just do not care. We will sin anyways. That's amazing. We demand obedience from our children and God demands it from us and we take Him less seriously. What if we applied that first time obedience factor to our own lives? If we obeyed the first time then we wouldn't have to always ask for forgiveness for the same problems! It's a random thought I know, but it is my thought and it is the thought I will carry through the day. First time obedience to God. Just think about it.

New Start

Today I started my very first day at Binghamton University. I was very overwhelmed as I pulled into the parking lot. I had a very hard time finding a place to park, but nevertheless, here I am! Even though I am parked a good ways away from campus. I love starting new things. I love the smell of new notebooks and brand new syllabi in front of me on my desk. I also get very anxious; I never know what to expect! I am however, learning to let God be in complete control. After a whole summer of not having a car and not knowing if I will have a car, I have learned to completely trust God. I have learned, like many times before, that His ways are better than mine. One would think that this lesson need only to be learned once, but that is not the case. God continues to teach me and stretch me. So far, I am up to the challenge! I am excited to see what God will do with my new school, my new classes, and my new schedule. I am trusting Him and I know that I cannot be disappointed!

The Tough Questions...

Lately, I have been feeling this overwhelming struggle to face some tough questions in my life. I have pushed them off as much as possible as I was afraid to face the music. To make a long story short, Saturday, I said goodbye to a dear friend of mine. I was heartbroken and in tears. On my 30 minute drive to my boyfriend's house, I spent it crying out to God. I was so anger. It seems to me that saying goodbye to this friend awoken something in me. I questioned God and even doubted that He knew what was going on in my life. There were no more tears until Sunday night. Roger and I sat in his living room with all the lights off watching a thunderstorm. It was then that I shared my doubts about God. All of my life, I have heard people say things like, "it happens for a reason," "God will work everything out for good," "God is fair and just," and I confessed that I don't believe that those sayings are true. I felt so awful as I said those things. All my life I have heard those things, I have even said those things to other people but I am not sure if I ever believed it. That is what make me most upset. In our Christian world, people say little sayings all the time but do they actually believe it? Sure they believe it when its someone else who is struggling but when it is there own life do they actually believe that God is fair and just. That's where I am. Do I actual believe it? Sure, I know in my head that it is true. I have read the scriptures, I have spent time in prayer, but now I need to bring it down to my heart. These issues need to be heart issues. I know these things are true but now I need to make them true in my life. I am not sure if any of this even makes sense to you who are reading this, but that's what on my heart. I long to be closer to God and I know that asking some tough questions will eventually bring me to the face of Jesus.

What is the QBQ?

I am sad to say that it has been almost a week and I feel that I am right back where I started. Last Sunday, I was in a tough place and spent some serious time crying and crying out to Jesus. I finally felt at peace as I entered the doors to BaYouCa. I felt like everything was under control. I had a wonderful week. I spent 36 hours out in the woods for Project Adventure. A 15 mile hike, little food, and a whole lot of laughs. I think that I can finally say that I see the positive side of Project Adventure. While the BYC Staff was on this trip, the leader, Jim, told us that we would be spending 4 hours in the woods for "solo time" a time for you and God. At first, I was angry. I hate being out in the woods and now he was going to leave me for four hours by myself in these woods. How awful! I got to my spot and spent the next hour pouring my heart out to God as the tears poured from my face. I spent some much needed time with God. I felt at ease. I finally 100% believe that I am right with God. It was the best part of Project Adventure. The BYC Staff was sitting through another sessions called MML and QBQ. QBQ is what struck me the most. QBQ means question based on a question. To sum it up, instead of just asking random questions that don't point anywhere, we are supposed to ask questions that start with what and how (if I remember correctly) How can I change the situation? What can I do to fix the current problem. The question was to included an "I" and an action word. What a great idea! Now I can finally take hold of the situation. However, when I returned home to go to my brother's party I was faced with some QBQs. In the same room sat my step father who I no longer speak to and my biological father who I have not seen in 10 years. It was awkward. A rush of emotions came over me and I melted. I said my hellos to my brother and left. I came home and found myself once again crying a river. So what is the QBQ? I have no idea. I feel helpless. I feel so many emotions that I can't wrap my head around it. I feel abandoned by my Heavenly Father even though I know He has NEVER left, but I still feel that way. I feel on the edge, not sure which way to turn. I feel like that hour where I poured myself out to God was worthless. But then I remembered this saying, " If you haven't changed, you haven't learned." I feel like I have learned but maybe I haven't changed. Is it possible that I could have tricked myself into going through the motions without having a real heart change? I once again feel lost. I have no idea what is going on. Is Satan trying to attack my very core as a Christian? Is this a test from God? Or are these trivial things in my life nothing more than trivial things? What is going on? How can I learn and change? This is my honest prayer, "change me Lord, reveal yourself to me in such a way that I could never ignore you. Show me the way..."

Heavy Heart.

I have much to say and no time to say it in. But for now, I will write that my heart is heavy. There are so many unanswered questions so many possibilites. Sometimes, no matter how hard you want to feel "better" inside, God wants you to continue to work through the tough times. My heart is heavy and God knows. God is in control. I am not!