Bullet Points

I cannot gather my thoughts to make a simple paragraph to put on my blog. I want to write and then as soon as I do, I hit the delete button because it just doesn't make sense. 

• I am struggling with anxiety
• I cannot sleep at night and when I do sleep, I cannot stay asleep
• I am a perfectionist and it is killing me
• I cannot sit in my living room without thinking I must have something to do
• I worry about the dumbest things at work 
• I am blessed 
• I miss the fall colors and home
• God is preparing me for things that I cannot figure out 
• I feel disconnected from my family
• I need a girl's day
• I need to pick up a good book and actually read it
• I am missing my nephew's 1st birthday and it is killing me
• I am struggling with the reason why we are here and they are there
• I do not feel like I am doing enough for God's kingdom
• I feel defeated and it is 100% Satan

I know that this burden that I am carrying is something that Satan has placed on me. I know I am being tested and that it is during these times that I show my true colors. I need a few hours in the middle of my woods with my Bible and my journal. (Okay not the woods but somewhere peaceful) 

I pray that this week I feel God around me. I pray that God will reveal himself to me. I know God doesn't have to do anything for me and that He never leaves me it is I who leaves Him. Somehow just writing these words down, I feel better. I know God stirs in my heart and is changing me and I welcome that whole-heartedly. I just pray that tonight I sleep and sleep well and if I do not sleep that I spend some time with Christ praying. 

He is the only way for me. I know that. 

Not Satisfied.

"Sin is what you do when your heart is not satisfied with God. No one sins out of duty. We sin because it holds out some promise of happiness.That promise enslaves us until we believed God is more to be desired than life itself" John Piper

Not satisfied with God... my heart is not satisfied. Is that true of me? Am I looking for something that I believe will be more of a promise than the happiness of Jesus Christ? I am constantly batting this idea that I know what is best for me and that God does not. However, I know that is not correct, that it is not biblical. I think of that verse in Romans 7:15 " I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do, I do not do, but what I hate I do" 

To mean it almost seems like Paul is giving us an excuse. We don't understand what we do and we hate what we do but what hope is there? I'm not buying this idea of we can do what we want to do and there will be no consequences  I am not buying this idea that everyone should live in perfect lives and not share their struggles. I am not buying that the Christian walk is easy and that every Christian I meet, has it together. I am not buying the fakeness and to be frank the sin that we are all hiding.

Here is the truth about me. I sin when my eyes are not on Jesus. I believe the lie that Satan feeds me that there is something better. I do not understand what I do and I hate it. How do I fix it? I bury my sin and hurt deep and say nothing. I pretend I have it together and continue on with my life. I withdrawal myself from those who love me the most. I do not want others to call me out on my sin.

This is where God is changing me and challenging me. Roger and I have been going to a community group for several months now and they do the opposite of what i want. They ask questions about my life. They ask questions about my struggles  They call me out when I say everything is fine. They let me know that what I am doing is wrong. They make me sweaty and uncomfortable. They make me question what I am doing and most of the time, I hate it.

But then again, I don't hate it. It is what the body of Christ is supposed to do. My community group by no means is perfect but they lovingly help me through my issues while. They do not make me uncomfortable to be mean or to judge but to love and love the way Christ did. The truth is that I need people like this in my life.

We need to be held accountable in our lives. I need to be held accountable. I cannot do this Christian life alone, I was not meant to. After all, Jesus spent his life with 12 men who constantly encouraged and taught each other. Why not do the same?