What is the QBQ?

I am sad to say that it has been almost a week and I feel that I am right back where I started. Last Sunday, I was in a tough place and spent some serious time crying and crying out to Jesus. I finally felt at peace as I entered the doors to BaYouCa. I felt like everything was under control. I had a wonderful week. I spent 36 hours out in the woods for Project Adventure. A 15 mile hike, little food, and a whole lot of laughs. I think that I can finally say that I see the positive side of Project Adventure. While the BYC Staff was on this trip, the leader, Jim, told us that we would be spending 4 hours in the woods for "solo time" a time for you and God. At first, I was angry. I hate being out in the woods and now he was going to leave me for four hours by myself in these woods. How awful! I got to my spot and spent the next hour pouring my heart out to God as the tears poured from my face. I spent some much needed time with God. I felt at ease. I finally 100% believe that I am right with God. It was the best part of Project Adventure. The BYC Staff was sitting through another sessions called MML and QBQ. QBQ is what struck me the most. QBQ means question based on a question. To sum it up, instead of just asking random questions that don't point anywhere, we are supposed to ask questions that start with what and how (if I remember correctly) How can I change the situation? What can I do to fix the current problem. The question was to included an "I" and an action word. What a great idea! Now I can finally take hold of the situation. However, when I returned home to go to my brother's party I was faced with some QBQs. In the same room sat my step father who I no longer speak to and my biological father who I have not seen in 10 years. It was awkward. A rush of emotions came over me and I melted. I said my hellos to my brother and left. I came home and found myself once again crying a river. So what is the QBQ? I have no idea. I feel helpless. I feel so many emotions that I can't wrap my head around it. I feel abandoned by my Heavenly Father even though I know He has NEVER left, but I still feel that way. I feel on the edge, not sure which way to turn. I feel like that hour where I poured myself out to God was worthless. But then I remembered this saying, " If you haven't changed, you haven't learned." I feel like I have learned but maybe I haven't changed. Is it possible that I could have tricked myself into going through the motions without having a real heart change? I once again feel lost. I have no idea what is going on. Is Satan trying to attack my very core as a Christian? Is this a test from God? Or are these trivial things in my life nothing more than trivial things? What is going on? How can I learn and change? This is my honest prayer, "change me Lord, reveal yourself to me in such a way that I could never ignore you. Show me the way..."

Heavy Heart.

I have much to say and no time to say it in. But for now, I will write that my heart is heavy. There are so many unanswered questions so many possibilites. Sometimes, no matter how hard you want to feel "better" inside, God wants you to continue to work through the tough times. My heart is heavy and God knows. God is in control. I am not!