Oh So Good

"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. For behold, those who are far from you shall perish, you put an end to everyone who is unfaithful to you. But for me it is good to be near God. I have made the Lord God my refuge, that I may tell of your works. " Psalm 73:26-28 ESV

As I was working through the Bible study that I am doing with one of my best friends, Chelsea, I came across the above verses. I read them and re-read them. For some reason they really hit me today and I am not sure why. Here are my quick observations about the Scripture:

• My heart and flesh fail all.the.time.
•  I do not have to try alone, God is the strength of my heart and He is enough for me
• Christ is my portion forever. I do not need to want for more
• If I am far from Christ (not saved I am assuming) I would perish
• Christ puts an end to everyone who is unfaithful to Him. Everyone who is unfaithful. Strong words!
• It is good, oh so good, for me to near God
• The Lord is my refuge, my safe place in times of uncertainty
• Because of His greatness, I tell of His works

I know that God reveals certain passages of Scripture to us just at the right times. For me, this was that Scripture. I am failing, daily I am failing and for some reason I feel the need to battle alone, to go to work against Satan alone. I do not have to battle alone, God is my strength and He is enough for me. Many times I look for God + something, I struggle with God being enough for me but He should be enough, right? If God took everything away from me, would I still praise His name? Would I call Him good? Would I say He is enough for me? I doubt it and that is my flesh failing and that is why I pour myself into the Scripture to be taught that He is enough for me. If I am unfaithful to Christ, He will put an end to me. Sometimes I imagine that God is this guy who is like "Oh, you messed up? Better luck next time" and pats me on my back and sends me off. It doesn't sound like that from this passage. It sounds like if I am unfaithful, He will put an end to us. I believe in grace, trust me but I also believe that I cannot read Scripture and see the words and do the opposite. I believe Christ demands obedience from me and not some half-hearted, water-down Christianity.  That is why it is so good to be near God. The more I allow the Word of God to change my heart, the more God teaches me it is good to be near Him. And because I believe it is good for me to be near him, I will tell of His works, His Grace, His Forgiveness and His love!

I just think it is so ironic that the very issues I am struggling with are addressed right in these few verses. God knows what He is doing. He constantly shows me that He knows what He is doing. I just need to trust Him. 

His Perfect Timing

Today our Pastor, Scott, challenged us with the fact that God's timing is perfect. It is perfect during all circumstances, every day, every minute, and every area of our life. He asked if we really believed that? Do we really believe that His timing is perfect? Honestly, my first thought is no, it is not perfect. If it were perfect then so many things in my life would be different. My husband's family would be back together, my college loans wouldn't have snuck up on us, people that I love wouldn't be hurting, and certain boy in ET would have more than he needed instead of selling gum on the side of the road. No God's timing is not perfect. But then Scott said, is perfect supposed to mean good? You see all of these earthly things that I need fixed so that my life would be "perfect" aren't necessarily the same as God's perfect timing.

You see, I think that the things I need corrected in my life would make God's plan for me perfect and it would enhance His perfect timing, but as our pastor reminded us, my way is not His way. For whatever reason, God has chosen not to reveal His plan to this control freak. His thoughts are better than my thoughts (as hard as that is swallow) and here is the proof:

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD. As the heavens are higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts" Isaiah 55:8-9

I cannot even begin to imagine His thoughts because He is God and I am not. I think in my little brain that I have life figured out and that all these bad things should not happen but what in the world do I know? I mean seriously I was not there when God created the world, I do not command the waves to stop, nor do I know what tomorrow holds so I do not know His ways nor His thoughts. What I do hold to is that God has my best interest in mind; He loves me, He is gracious towards me, and He knows the perfect timing on my life.

I am thankful for the reminder today of His perfect timing. I do struggle with believing that God's timing is perfect but I believe that is apart of my journey and my story. Every opportunity in my life good or bad is an opportunity to direct glory to God.

And the other truth is that throughout different situations in my life, one thing always remains and that is God's love. I absolutely love the song that I have shown below, it really moves me and reminds me that while I am going through God's perfect timing (good or bad) His love remains. And that is the truth my friends. His love remains. Amen right?

Another Week of Thankfulness

I thought I would try and continue my Thankfulness posts and do another week of what I am thankful for.

6- I am thankful for housework.

Oh my husband is probably laughing at me right now about this one but the truth is, I am thankful for house work. I enjoy keeping a clean house, folding laundry, vacuuming and keeping things in order. When I start to complain or think that I cannot start one more load of laundry, I am reminded of that fact that some do not have this opportunity. Some people do not have a home right now because of natural disastrous or because they live in a third world country and don't have this American Luxury. Yes, I am thankful for housework.

7- I am thankful for my in-laws who raised my husband, Beth and Mike.

I met Roger when he was 17 years old, I did not know him for the first 17 years of his life but his parents did. His parents were there for everything. They were there for his first steps, when he needed discipline, his first basketball games, through what I am sure were awkward Jr. High years, through high school and the rest of his life. They guided him to go to church and serve others. They taught him right from wrong and how to love on others. They molded his heart into a passionate man whether Roger decided to show it on the basketball court, towards his brothers, or as he cared for others, they taught him passion. The truth is that they helped make him into the man that I would spend the rest of my life with and for that I am thankful for them. Without Roger's parents being a constant presence in his life, Roger would not be in my life. 

8- I am thankful for my church.

I have said it before and I am sure I will say it again; I am thankful for a church that weekly challenges me. I am thankful for a Pastoral Staff that is not afraid to share the word of God and His truths when other churches would rather not deal with those sticky situations. I am thankful for the body of Christ.

9- I am thankful for my brother, Nathan. 

I could go on and on about what I am thankful for this guy but the truth is, today I am thankful that he gave up 4 years of his life for my freedom. I am thankful for his service to our country. I am thankful for his wife Lorin for all the sacrifices that she has had to make because of my brother's service. I am proud of my brother and the choices he has made. Maybe one day we will be on the same coast! 

10- I am thankful for my youngest bother, Caleb.

Same story, different brother. I am so thankful for Caleb. He has grown into such a wonderful young man. He is hard working and committed. He is always willing to help out and serve others. He has the most tender heart of anyone I know. I am thankful he is my brother, I would be more thankful if he would move to North Carolina (Wink, Wink) 

11- I am thankful for peanut butter cups, homemade peanut butter cups.

Seriously, do I need to say more? 

12- I am thankful that this time next week, I won't be able to blog.

Okay, I may be able to blog but why would I want to when my adorable nephews and favorite couple are coming to visit me? I will be on my belly playing with the boys and enjoying sweet conversation with Dave and Jeanne. 

Thankfulness

November in my opinion is the month of thankfulness and gratitude. There are so many things that I am thankful for and when I think about how blessed I am, I am brought to tears. I thought I would try to weekly post about what I am thankful for. 5 days into November, I am going to come up with 5 things I am thankful for. These are in no particular order :)

1- I am thankful for Skype...

As you know, we moved hundreds of miles away from my family and Skype is a God sent! I love that a simple application can keep my connected with all my family. I look forward to Sunday evening Skype dates with Roger's dad and brothers. I love it when I get a text message saying my nephews would like to Skype with me. I love that I can access it on my phone and in a pinch Skype in the car or at 7:30 in the morning. 

2- I am thankful for my Community Group

I am a shy person when it comes to meeting new people, I hate to open up and share my story. I do not trust easily and I do not like when I am confronted about my sin. The good news is that my Community Group does not care about any of that. They are the most wonderful group of men and women. They genuinely love God and have a desire to see God change their lives. They have stretched me, forced me to share my story, to open up about my life, and gently encouraged me in my walk with Christ. They have opened up their homes to me and even trusted Roger and I with their children. They are a blessing and part of the reason why I love being where we are. 

3- I am thankful for my new friend, Chelsea

There is not a day that goes by that I am not thankful for my new friend. It is so nice to have a friend where I work, she helps me get through those long days. I look forward to our daily breaks and walks to the water station, our Friday lunches, our count downs to 5PM, and our spark conversations throughout the day. We have enjoyed dinner out, walks around the block, recently a trailer grocery store shopping trip and several good conversations. It's truly a blessing to call her my friend. 

4- I am thankful for Christian Music

I am thankful for Christian music. I love listening to K-Love to and from work. I love that a certain song can change my day around. It seems like God always has me listening just at the right moment and the song is something that my heart needs to hear.  

5- I am thankful for my Mom

As you may know, my mom came down for a quick 48 hour trip to NC. I am really thankful that she took time out of her busy life to make the trip down here. We spent a whole weekend shopping and chatting. I loved getting up at 7AM just to sip on coffee and talk with her. She is a wonderful mom to me. It is so hard to not be able to see her every day but it makes our time together so much sweeter. 

Bullet Points

I cannot gather my thoughts to make a simple paragraph to put on my blog. I want to write and then as soon as I do, I hit the delete button because it just doesn't make sense. 

• I am struggling with anxiety
• I cannot sleep at night and when I do sleep, I cannot stay asleep
• I am a perfectionist and it is killing me
• I cannot sit in my living room without thinking I must have something to do
• I worry about the dumbest things at work 
• I am blessed 
• I miss the fall colors and home
• God is preparing me for things that I cannot figure out 
• I feel disconnected from my family
• I need a girl's day
• I need to pick up a good book and actually read it
• I am missing my nephew's 1st birthday and it is killing me
• I am struggling with the reason why we are here and they are there
• I do not feel like I am doing enough for God's kingdom
• I feel defeated and it is 100% Satan

I know that this burden that I am carrying is something that Satan has placed on me. I know I am being tested and that it is during these times that I show my true colors. I need a few hours in the middle of my woods with my Bible and my journal. (Okay not the woods but somewhere peaceful) 

I pray that this week I feel God around me. I pray that God will reveal himself to me. I know God doesn't have to do anything for me and that He never leaves me it is I who leaves Him. Somehow just writing these words down, I feel better. I know God stirs in my heart and is changing me and I welcome that whole-heartedly. I just pray that tonight I sleep and sleep well and if I do not sleep that I spend some time with Christ praying. 

He is the only way for me. I know that. 

Not Satisfied.

"Sin is what you do when your heart is not satisfied with God. No one sins out of duty. We sin because it holds out some promise of happiness.That promise enslaves us until we believed God is more to be desired than life itself" John Piper

Not satisfied with God... my heart is not satisfied. Is that true of me? Am I looking for something that I believe will be more of a promise than the happiness of Jesus Christ? I am constantly batting this idea that I know what is best for me and that God does not. However, I know that is not correct, that it is not biblical. I think of that verse in Romans 7:15 " I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do, I do not do, but what I hate I do" 

To mean it almost seems like Paul is giving us an excuse. We don't understand what we do and we hate what we do but what hope is there? I'm not buying this idea of we can do what we want to do and there will be no consequences  I am not buying this idea that everyone should live in perfect lives and not share their struggles. I am not buying that the Christian walk is easy and that every Christian I meet, has it together. I am not buying the fakeness and to be frank the sin that we are all hiding.

Here is the truth about me. I sin when my eyes are not on Jesus. I believe the lie that Satan feeds me that there is something better. I do not understand what I do and I hate it. How do I fix it? I bury my sin and hurt deep and say nothing. I pretend I have it together and continue on with my life. I withdrawal myself from those who love me the most. I do not want others to call me out on my sin.

This is where God is changing me and challenging me. Roger and I have been going to a community group for several months now and they do the opposite of what i want. They ask questions about my life. They ask questions about my struggles  They call me out when I say everything is fine. They let me know that what I am doing is wrong. They make me sweaty and uncomfortable. They make me question what I am doing and most of the time, I hate it.

But then again, I don't hate it. It is what the body of Christ is supposed to do. My community group by no means is perfect but they lovingly help me through my issues while. They do not make me uncomfortable to be mean or to judge but to love and love the way Christ did. The truth is that I need people like this in my life.

We need to be held accountable in our lives. I need to be held accountable. I cannot do this Christian life alone, I was not meant to. After all, Jesus spent his life with 12 men who constantly encouraged and taught each other. Why not do the same?

Great Commission

At night, I lay awake writing blog posts in my head but they never make it on my site. I don't know why I don't write more. It is very therapeutic for me but sometimes I get nervous that what I write will offend others. I am reminded that I am not writing for others but for Him and for what He is doing in my life.

This week was another one of our busy weeks followed by a busy weekend. I will be thankful for my companies year-end to be over and to have some normalcy in my work schedule but that's still a few weeks away...

There was good tucked away in this busy week. Roger and I were able to sit under the teaching of David Platt on Thursday. It was absolutely amazing. David has an amazing way of communicating truth to his audience. I found myself captivated by his every word. The message was on The Will of God but he used the question "If someone never hears the gospel, will they go to heaven?" to answer what the Will of God is for our lives. Basically, the Will of God is the Great Commission. (Really that's the short and sweet of it). I thought David Platt had it right when he said, " We need to stop trying to find the will of God and start following it." David said that there are 2 billion people on the world that have not heard the gospel. We need to follow the will of God into the ends of the earth preaching His gospel.

Ethiopia, Africa 

Something that really struck me was when David was preaching he started to read Romans to us but when I really looked at him, I realized he was quoting Romans! Our friend Alan, said that has the entire book of Romans memorized. That book is rough to get through but to memorize it, I can not even believe it! I am really encouraged to study and memorize more of the book that changed my life.

After a wonderful time learning from David Platt, Roger and I sat under the teaching of our pastor Scott Lehr who spoke on the same exact thing! Not so much the will of God but the great commission. Our church has encouraged us to reach 10 people over the next 10 years. People who we will love, be intentional with, and pray for. People we may help lead to Christ or just softened their hearts for someone else to led them to Christ. I love that our local church is teaching us the important of missions. I love that God has used two Godly men to show us the same message. It is really stirring up someone in my heart. I pray that I am intentional with those I come across that my eyes are more open to the world around me.

So that's what is rolling around in my head as I enjoy this Sunday evening. I am looking forward to seeing what God will show me next and how my life will change.

How He Loves Me

There are times in your life that you just need to be reminded that God loves you. He really does love you and care for you. I was reminded of that today in church, almost brought to tears remembering what He has done for me and how much He has given me.

He is the God of my life, He has his hands in everything I do. He is constantly watching out for me. Why I run the other direction is beyond me, I am blessed beyond words to be loved by a God who truly loves me unconditionally.

I needed that reminder today, I needed church today and that's just what I got. A wonderful Sunday full of praise and remembering how much God truly does love me.

My Biggest Lesson

God has been teaching me one lesson in the past few months: Forgiveness.

I wish I didn't have to learn this lesson. I hate it. I really hate it. 

I have learned some valuable truths about Forgiveness.

1- It's hard very hard. 
2- It requires a supernatural power from God. 
3- The prisoner it frees, is you. 

I want to write and write about this topic but I do not feel like I am able. I do not have the words to describe how the God has changed my life because of this. What I do know is that if I do not forgive I am a hypocrite and a liar in my faith. I know that the world knows me by how I forgive. I know that God has forgiven me beyond what I ever deserve and if I claim to by follower of Him, I should forgive the way he has forgiven me.

I will leave you with a new song from Matthew West called "Forgiveness" He was inspired by a woman who forgave a man who killed her daughter while he was driving under the influence. 

Another Saturday

Saturday's are just magical. I am not sure if it is because they come after a long work week or if it's just because I put so much emphasize on Saturday's in our house.

This Saturday Roger and I had big plans. We were going to sleep in, enjoy a nice breakfast, and then go shopping. 

We did sleep in but I only made it until 8 until my body was screaming it is time to get up. We enjoyed a nice big breakfast together. Roger was able to order his school books and save us a ton of money so that was a wonderful surprised. After cooking breakfast, Roger even cleaned the entire kitchen. Man I love that guy!

I snuck in a quick conversation with Jeanne and found out how wonderful our God is. He has provided for them in just perfect ways and I was so glad she called. I also got to  hear my nephew Jaxon's voice and honestly I had to hold back tears until I got off the phone. There are days where it really hits me that I am far away from him and his brother. I really miss those boys. I mean really really miss them. But I got it together so Roger and I could enjoy our day ahead.

We ran around like crazy people shopping for curtains, desks, school supplies, school clothes for Jaxon,  night stands, Christmas shopping and a number of other items. I am laughing because I was standing in the store holding up some curtains for Roger to look at and he said "babe, no one is going to judge you if our curtains don't match in every room." Let me tell you what, that man is stretching me, he also some other comments about patience and what really matters. 

We scored some great deals on some back to school items for Jaxon and also for Roger. We found some great picture frames at the thrift store and even found Jaxon a warm up UNC jacket. After all the running around, Roger treated me to lunch. It was really a great day up until 4PM....

When we got home, we discovered that the desk we purchased had a crack in the top so it needed to be returned. Roger refused to return it after being out all day and I refused to let it sit in the apartment. We fought like children, it was childish really childish but Roger so graciously offered to help me take it back. I apologized for being so demanding and he apologized as well. We thought that was the end of until we actually had to put the stupid thing together. Talk about patience! It took us 2 hours to get all the pieces together. It's together and I will never buy something else that requires assembly. (Ok, maybe I will but not for a few years...)

So that was our Saturday. God is continuing to work in our lives and we are continuing to trust Him with what He has given us. We both feel blessed, so blessed. God is good to us and we do not deserve His goodness and kindness and yet He still gives it.

Let me leave you with a few pictures our new office!!

This is the frame I scored for 2 bucks! It had several marks on it but I repainted it and now you would never know! I didn't want to put pictures of us in it since it was hanging in the guest room so I filled it with black and whites  of the ocean from our honeymoon. Cute right? :)

This is the shelf that came with the desk. We finally have a place to store all our books and some of Roger's trophies like his signed Red Sox baseball and a very cool black and white picture of some baseballs. I am very happy with it!

And of course the desk, man what a pain but now it looks great. We got  great deal on school supplies and the awesome bulletin board you see hanging. I also had to hang Roger's sign from his mom because well I really believe he needs to feel like this is his office too. Yes, there are two calendars in our office, I mean seriously I can't just work with one! Over all, very pleased!!

End of July?

You don't have to say anything, it's been too long since I've blogged. I cannot believe we are at the end of July. Where does time go?

It's been a great month for us. Roger came home from Africa a change man. He really lost his heart in Africa. As happy as he is to be home, I know a piece of his heart is still there. I am forever grateful that he was able to go on this trip. Roger put together a small video for his home church and once he gives me permission, I will put that video up for you guys to see. Currently, the picture below is what is on my desktop. Ethiopia looks so beautiful to me... 

After Roger got back from Africa, we moved apartments. The apartment we are in has more space and an extra bedroom. We are settled in and really enjoying being here even if I hate the cupboards :) My father-in-law and brother-in-law came down and helped us move. It was great to have them down here. I just adore my married family :) Ryan  was such a great sport and helped me hang all of my pictures.

We took them to Lake Lynn to walk around the Lake and fee the ducks. This picture is on one of the bridges. It is such a cool place to be, Roger and I are really happy to

While the Hubby is Away...

Roger has been away for two days now and let me tell you I have learned a few things...

It's not me leaving the toilet seat up or forgetting to put away my water bottle. I have not found one black sock next to the bed. My kitchen floors are still clean and there are no crumbs in front of the TV.

Yes, Roger has been away for two days and everything is in perfect condition in the house. I honestly, don't mind any of the above things, I would take them over an empty house any day. 

I have learned that I am not a cook when Roger is gone. My menu board looks like salads, bagels, and home made pizzas. (It's so easy cooking for one!) There is no milk in the house and that's perfectly fine with me. My mornings are a little slower and my mood is surprising relaxed. 

I have learned so much about myself these past two days. I actually am starting to believe that God planned for Roger to leave me so He could work on me. I have been in tears more times than I can count these past few days. It is not because I miss Roger, although those tears snuck in there, it is because I am being changed. I am a selfish, stubborn girl. I struggle with forgiveness. I can have a heart of stone towards someone I don't admire. I am a hypocrite in my faith. But man oh man is God chipping away at that. I will not go into specifics here because right now is not the best time. However, I will tell you that I sat through church with tears rolling down my eyes learning about supernatural love. I've heard it over and over again but the truth is if God has forgiven me then I should be able to turn around and forgive others, if not I am a liar in my faith. God has moved me in ways that I did not think were possible and maybe in a few weeks I can share that with you. 

Yes, I truly believe that God has big plans for me these next 13 days. Roger is not the only one on a spiritually journey this month!

My count down calendar!

On another note, we are keeping very busy here! We just got back from NY where I was able to watch my baby brother graduate high school. I am such a proud big sister. I love my brothers so much and am so happy I was able to be apart of this special day.

Roger and I also visited with our favorite nephews. I loved spending the day with Jaxon and Dwade along with their parents. Jaxon is so close to my heart. I love watching him figure things out and see how God is molding him. Dawson whom we've affectionately named Dwade is just oh my goodness perfect. I love this little boy. I am deeply saddened that he won't have the same relationship as Jaxon and I do but I do cherish him as my nephew. 

Jaxon and I at the park. Seriously, what's not to love about this boy?

Terrible picture of Dwade and I but that fact oh that face :) 

Other than that, I have been busy busy busy packing my apartment. Roger and I move July 14th so it's right around the corner for us. I am excited for these next two weeks as God works in my life and am excited to move but more excited for Roger to come home to me. 

We will see what these next few weeks bring... maybe more posts? :

Marriage is Messy

Today our pastor preached a powerful message that really spoke right to my heart. He spoke on marriage. His message was simple but the words he spoke still echo in my mind. 


Our Pastor started the message with a disclaimer that without the Holy Spirit living and actively working in you, your marriage will not be what it is supposed to be. Marriage should be a story of the gospel of Christ played out in our lives. It should show grace, forgiveness, love, and tenderness among other things.


The message really made me want to evaluate my marriage with Roger to see how I am doing as a wife. Of course it would be easy to sit here and tell you how he is doing but that's not my job. I went through my book case and pulled out For Women Only, a book that I read before I was married to Roger.  I decided to dust it off and take it pool-side for a few hours.


I think God knew that I needed to read this book again. Every page was screaming at me and I am only a few chapters in. 



"We as women hold incredible power- and responsibility- in our hands. We have the ability to either build up or tear down our men. We can either strengthen or hobble them in ways that go far beyond our relationship because respect at home affects every area of a man's life" ~Shaunti Feldhahn


That  was a great reminder to me. I have been given this amazing gift, yes I count Roger a gift and I should be taken care of him. I have the ability to ruin him. I am his safe zone and I can turn his safe zone into a war zone with just a few words. I have been given a great gift and often times I misuse it. 

I often don't think of my words as being powerful but I know that they are sharp and poisonous. I do not think of our home as a safe place for my husband. I have not thought about the fact that when he leaves for work or school each day that I am the one determining his self-worth. I am to be an encourager. I am to be a care giver. I am to be Roger's safe place as God has designed me to be. 


But let's be honest, do I feel like doing that after he forgets to tell me how pretty I look when I get dressed up? Do I feel like being his safe zone when I ask him to put his socks away for the hundredth time? Do I feel like respecting him when he isn't meeting my needs? Nope. No way. Not in a million years. I place a conditional statement on Roger, "If" he would only do this... "Then" I would do this... 


How wrong am I? My job as a wife is not to be fulfilled by Roger so I can love Roger in return. My job as a wife is to love Roger unconditionally just as Christ loved the church. My job is forgive Roger when he makes a mistake and move on just as Christ forgave me for my sins. (Here's my tangent- Christ forgave me of everything and here I am holding a grudge at Roger. How childish am I in my faith? I mean really... Okay that's enough)


At the end of the day, I am a wife to Roger, I answer to Christ for my actions. I will stand before the throne of God and tell Christ that if Roger was more whatever then I would have been a better wife. I am accountable to God for my actions and it's time that I start believing that. 


There is always room to grow in a marriage and I am so thankful that there is that room. I am thankful that God has not given up on me and He is diligently molding me into a woman after His heart. I could do none of this without Christ pouring through my life. Marriage is tough but it has proven to be the most rewarding thing I have done so far.

***I am not sure why I feel the need to do this but I need to put a disclaimer on here, I am not perfect by any means and my marriage is not perfect. I am not trying to single anyone out and make them feel like they are doing something wrong in their marriage. I am not God but if you feel defensive after reading my post maybe that's the Holy Spirit working in you. I come from a family of mulitple divorces, I am not trying to hurt anyone. Marriage is messy and I believe it's helpful for me to get some of my thoughts down.***

One Year Later...

I cannot believe it's been a year. I cannot believe I have been married an entire year. Truthfully, I don't want to blog about the wonderful year I have had because I will burst into happy tears. All I know is that marriage is the best thing that has happened to me. Sure, it is work and sure we don't always have lovey feelings every day but we are committed to each other and that's all that matters at the end of the day.

So pardon me while I enjoy some quality time with my husband of one year. I will leave you with a few pictures from our years together.

Roger playing baseball during college 

Roger playing at Gus Maker 

Some anniversary we had together :) 

Red Sox Game at Fenway

Roger when he proposed to me on December 24, 2010 

On our wonderful wedding day <3 <3

Happen Birthday, Jaxon!!

Happy Birthday, Jaxon!!!

I cannot believe for the life of me that you are five years old today. Man does time fly. I remember when you were still in your mommy's tummy and I was wishing that you were a girl :) But I am so happy you turned out to be a boy, you are exactly who God wanted you to be.  

This is the first birthday that I am not with you to celebrate. Do you remember last year's birthday? When you turned 4? I left you the arrows on the floor to the sugary cereal? Make sure you eat sugary cereal today, after all it is your birthday!!

You and I at your old home before we moved.

It's hard for me to write this because I miss you so much. You were so little when we moved into your house together. We adored each other. You would light up when I walked into a room and call me "Ba" and eventually it turned into Aunt Bethany. I loved spending my free time playing with you. You must agree that I have the best Sally voice for Cars, mommy just can't cut it. Remember all of those forts that we used to make? I am not sure why but you loved being in dark small spaces, it is an oddity about you but that's okay. I didn't mind folding piles of sheets after a good adventure together. Do you remember all the cookies and brownies we made? Yum! You have always been the best helper. 

Our favorite past time, playing in my room.

You take after me, did you know that? I may have taught you to be a tad organized with everything having a certain spot. Don't let anyone tell you that there is anything wrong with that! It's a great quality to have.  I hope it's forever engraved into your memory that your tongue has the most germs and it's important to brush every day. 

Us being silly in one of the forts we made.

My wish for you today is that you have a great birthday and know how special you really are. My wish for the year to come is that you grow closer to Jesus because He loves you more than I could ever love you. I hope that your day is just as special as you are. You are becoming a wonderful young man and I count it a blessing to be your aunt.

Happy Birthday to you, my favorite Jaxon. You are one in a million. 

You at 4.5 years old at my apartment in North Carolina

I love you to the sun and moon and back. To infinity and beyond... GOTCHA :) 

XOXO,

Aunt Bethany 

Valentine's Day <3 

Making Peanut Butter Cookies for Christ

Like Mother Like Daughter

This is the first Mother's Day that I am not spending with my mom.

I honestly can't believe we are at this point in my life where I am not right by here side. My mom means the world to me. I know that someday we will live at least in the same state again (hint hint mom)

My mom and I at my Senior Prom

Roger keeps telling me that I am so much like my mom. He says that my mannerism and those odd things about me have come straight from my mom. I think it's a compliment to my mom for raising me, he of course thinks he is picking on my mom. Either way, I don't care!

My mom and I at my High School Graduation

My mom has taught me more than I can every write down. She laid the foundation for my faith in Christ, she taught me that no matter my brothers are always my brothers, she taught me how to cook, bake, and clean. Most importantly she taught me how to care for others, especially for those in need. I cannot tell you how many "needy" people were in and out of our house for a warm meal and a bed to sleep in. I cannot count how many Thanksgivings we had with people I have never met. She truly taught me to care.

She taught me how to love like Christ did. My mom has done so much for my brothers and I, she put herself in tough spots just to give us a better life. She left a physically abusive relationship in order to provide us with the future that she knew we deserve. She loved her children and continues to love us. She  is my biggest encourager and always has the best advice for me.

I absolutely love my relationship with my mom now. Being adults and friends is just a wonderful blessing. I always hope she knows how much I love her. I really look up to my mom. She is a wonderful woman and I wish her the very Happy Mother's Day with love...

My mom and I at Shannon's Wedding

White Cupboards

I cannot believe how out of control I have gotten lately.

Let me help you understand...

Roger and I have to move in July because our rent is going up significantly so I have been apartment hunting. I spent a whole day a few weeks ago with my bestie Shannon looking through every apartment we could find. We asked about standard wall color, cable jacks, standard cupboards, appliances, and garbage disposals. You see the apartment I am in now is wonderful. It is modern, clean, and everything one would look for in an apartment.

The problem with all of these other apartments is that they are not modern and perfect. They have some things that just won't cut it with me. The plan is to stay in this apartment until we need to move for Roger's job (hopefully somewhere in Raleigh...) or buy a house. We do not want to move every year so I am looking for a "permanent" home. Some of the apartments won't work because of the layout, price, or it has been very loved. (You know carpet coming up and massive marks on the walls)

But yesterday, Roger and I saw an adorable apartment. It is pretty much everything I want in an apartment. The layout makes perfect sense! Laundry where it should be, dining room next to the kitchen, and linen closest. The only thing I hate is the cupboards. They are dated. They are those nasty white ones line with wood (Sorry if you have those...) They are simply not me. \



They kind of look like these cupboards...



When Roger and I got home we started discussing the apartment and I told him absolutely not because I cannot look at something that ugly. He started talking about the layout and how the apartment had a great built in bookcase and the master bathroom was huge, all things that I had completely missed because I hated the cupboards.

It hit me in the middle of the night that I am completely selfish. Here I am in America with the freedom to have religion and choices. I have the ability to have several options when it comes to apartments. All the apartments I looked at have a pool and a gym. I am blessed far beyond what I deserve. And here I am complaining about the cupboards that are in this apartment.

I feel like a spoiled brat. I feel terribly disgusted with myself for turning my nose up at a great apartment because the cupboards are white. I am not trying to get under anyone's skin here, I really am not. Maybe ugly cupboards or odd floor plans is a huge deal to you and that's fine with me. For me it's the fact that I have been spoiled with so many options and that I felt like I deserve nicer apartments than what I was being shown. But really, come on, what about those refugees who come to the US for religious freedom, I cannot believe that they would turn down a great apartment because of the cupboards. In fact, they would probably be thrilled to have a place to put their items or call home.

That's my rant. It's ridiculous I know. Maybe it isn't cupboards for you, maybe it's something else. For me in my life, I am just trying to figure out what is truly a big deal to me and what truly isn't. These cupboards will not effect my life for the worse and I can honestly say that we may have found our next apartment... ugly cupboards and all...

The Plan

Well the plan today was to do a little shopping this morning for a almost 5 year old and then lay out in the sun all day...

I made Roger breakfast before his day of work and then grabbed my bag to head to the mall. I got to the stores and started to picking out some items and realized I left my wallet at home. I put everything back and headed home to enjoy the sun.

I got out to the pool and grab my latest Cooking Magazine and was soaking up the sun. It was going great until the sun decided to hide behind an ugly storm cloud forcing me inside for the afternoon. 

I read my magazine inside on the couch, cut coupons, and found some fabulous recipes. 

I have done some apartment hunting...again. I may have found one but in all honesty, I have said that before. We can't stay where we are because the cost is so high. We found an apartment we love but they may not have it open when we need it to be. It's just plain stressful.

So the plan for the remainder of the day is to grill out, maybe take a walk and enjoy a late night movie from our couch. Or who knows maybe something will change and we won't do any of that... 

Enjoy your Saturday... whatever your plan is! 

Oh Highschool

On a good night, I can trick my husband into late night pillow talk. Normally, it comes after a few good mornings where we have been able to sleep in and then forcing him to go to bed early because "I am tired..."

When all of those things come together and Roger isn't tired at all... he will spend hours talking with me like when we were in high school...

Oh high school, that was the topic last night. We were laughing over some high school drama that we were witnessing on face back and we started to reminisce about our high school years. I was one selfish girl that's for sure...

I think the saying I repeated a hundred times was "If I only knew then what I know now..." It's the truth isn't it? In high school, I was crazy obsessed about how I looked, my grades, saying the correct things, acting a certain way, and beating our rival schools. High school was my life, I neglected my family so I could be engulfed in this silly world I had created.

I am friend's with some current high schoolers and I am always tempted to post on their status and tell them that there is a HUGE world out there and this problem will not matter in um a month! I don't though because they will figure it out.

I am not sure when it changes, when you realize that life isn't about you and that you have really screwed up some good years. Maybe it's college, maybe it's the first real job you get, or maybe it's marriage. I am not sure, I just know that life changes.

My co-workers don't care if I am wearing the latest trends, when I got my frist real job they did not ask about my high school grades or even ask about my awesome GPA. I care so much about family and would rather spend weeks with them than being connected electronically. And honestly, that rival high school was keeping my future husband. Who would have guessed?

I think this late night pillow talk really made us think about what we are worrying about right now. We have been striving for the best apartment, starting to possible look at houses, dreaming about new furniture sets and buying the latest kitchen gadgets. I don't think these things will matter to me in 10 years, I mean if high school is the furthest thing from my mind then I figure these things will also come and go.

I guess the point of this little post is to remind me what really matters in life; it's my relationship with Christ, my relationship with my husband and my relationship with my family. And that my friends, is why I love late night pillow talks because they always seem to inspire me...

Roger's Ethiopia Trip

I have been asked to share a few details about my husband's upcoming trip to Ethiopia, I figured this was the best way to do it.

He has an amazing opportunity to travel with a group from Calvary Baptist Church in Norwich, NY during the first two weeks of July. Yes I will be alone for 2 weeks! I cannot even begin to think of it or I burst into tears... sigh.

He is going with dear friends of ours, Jim and Tiffany, who have been there a few times because that is where their  second son is from. I knew that we would travel to ET someday but I did not imagine that Roger would be going before me. I am extremely grateful for this opportunity for him and want to support him in any way possible.

I strongly believe he is following God's plan for him to look after the widows and orphans like it is commanded here in James 1:27 "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world."

Roger will be ministering to the people of Ethiopia by caring in local orphanages, partnering with Christian ministries that are already in ET, and encouraging local Christians believers in their faith. Although, I am not sure of exact details of the trip, I know that my sweet husband will come back changed.

Unfortunately, going on a trip like this is expensive. Roger needs to raise $3,000 by April 30, 2012. We have sent out letters to our family and friends asking for support and prayer. We have been very blessed by those who have come alongside of Roger to support him financially on this trip. Roger and I also have been diligent in putting away money for his trip. We strongly believe that our family and friends should not be the only ones sacrificing for this trip-we want to do our part as well.

The team leaders of this group have set up an account with Ordinary Hero which is a store that sells products to support missions trips, orphans, and waiting children. Right now, if you purchase something from this store, 40% of the proceeds will be donated to the team going to ET. What's even more exciting, is the top 3 teams to sell the most product will get an additional $500.00 added to their account!!

It's very simple to do.

First go to the following website:
http://ordinaryhero.org/Ordinary_Hero/Store/Store.html

When you check out, you will need to enter "Tiffany Darling" in the Affiliate Name box in order for the team to receive the 40% credit.

And that's it! Pretty simple right?

If you cannot support my husband's team financially, will you support them in prayer? I know all team members would appreciate being covered in prayer as they head over to Africa.

If you have any questions feel free to send me an email blbrown16@hotmail.com

Thanks friends for reading this! I cannot wait to see what God does through this team!!

I've been busy...

The truth is I had to set a calendar reminder on my Blackberry to remind me to blog this week...

It's not that I don't want to blog, I love to blog. It's just that I have been busy, very busy.

Our home was filled with a long lost friend who needed compassion and love. It wasn't something I planned for but let me tell you God's timing is perfect. I actually think I walked away from that weekend more blessed than my friend was. It is truly amazing how good friends really seem be a gift from God.

I have been busy at work and I think I am finally starting to settle in. I have met a great person in customer service who really reminds me of my mom. I was able to share lunch with her and tell her a bit of my story. I think God placed this woman in my life to remind me of my home even though it's miles away.

One weekend my best friend and I spent hours apartment hunting and dreaming of our futures. We caught up over a favorite lunch spots in our normal booth. She is a wonderful blessing to me. We live a few miles away but we never see each other. We live separate lives but when our lives allow us to see each other, I often wonder why I don't see her every day? 

My husband and I have been busy preparing for him to go to Ethiopia this summer. We spent one afternoon stuffing envelopes and praying over this trip for him.  I am insanely jealous but am beyond thrilled that he will get to spend several days ministering with some of my favorite people. I know that he will come back changed and I cannot wait to see how that will impact our family. 

I've been busy making plans to travel back home for my baby brother's gradation in June. I cannot believe he is graduating. Oh my baby brother is growing up! I start to think about our trip and get giddy just knowing that I will see my mom, Jeanne, Dave, and family. I cannot help it but my mind is just busy with this trip. 

My heart has been busy. It has been breaking for those closest to me and weighing so heavily on me. I wake in the middle of the night just unsure of what to do. Grace and forgiveness are on my mind constantly but actually putting it into action is another hurdle for me to jump over. 

Of course the more I write how busy I am, I realize how blessed I am. It is one of the reasons I love to blog because it reminds me how much God has given me. How much He loves me and really does bless me every day. I would continue to write but I need to put another batch of cookies in the oven.

I will leave you with a picture of our "backyard" at our apartment...

Quality Time

I sat in the living room of my now in-laws watching a family movie. The problem was it not a family movie and bonding time. Sure the TV was on but no one was really connecting. Everyone had their own computer, cell phone, and ipod on their lap watching a movie. 

I remember telling Roger that even though that floats in their family, it is not something I will do. When I want family time, I want real family time. Roger agreed that we would do things differently. ( I am not bashing on my in-laws at all, they just do things in their own way) 

Well this weekend was one of those moments that we did differently. I left my cell phone and computer at home and enjoyed 48 hours with my husband. We "ran away" to a hotel room and got lost in conversation. I know that we see each other every day but there is something about being in a different environment that really draws Roger and I together.

I think there is something very healthy about spending time alone without electronics with your loved ones. We are so consumed with power buttons and always being connected to the outside world, that a break needed from time to time.

I am not gong to share the details of our weekend here because I want this to be a memory that Roger and I cherish forever. I will share this picture, it is one of my favorite memories of us. Just laying on our bed, crazy lost in conversation sipping on our favorite drink. Roger gets me. He knows the difference between my laughs, he understands my crazy thoughts sometimes before I even say them. He makes my life everything that I want it to be. I am just absolutely crazy about this man. 

Forgiveness is Powerful

I went to church today expecting nothing but a good message but what I got out of it was life changing.

I knew our pastor was preaching on forgiveness and grace but I did not know it would change my life.

"For if you forgive others their sins, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their sins, neither will your Father forgive your sins" Matthew 6:14-15


Read it again. Slowly. See what Jesus is saying.

Our pastor shared several thoughts after reading that passage to us...

~ If you don't trust Christ then you won't be able to forgive
~ If you accept Christ's forgiveness then you will be able to offer forgiveness to others
~ If you can't forgive others, then do you actually have Christ?
~ If you do not forgive others, you are saying that the Cross is not sufficient

And then I lost it in my heart. Tears flowed down my face as I quickly tried to wipe them away so my friends did not see how moved I was. (Crazy right?)

That passage of scripture and points from my pastor, changed me. It did not come overnight, forgiveness never does, but it has been brewing in my heart for quite some time. How can I claim to know Christ, love His forgiveness for me and not forgive others?

I. am. ashamed.

Today I did something that has been months, dare I say years in the making? I wrote an email to my step-father and forgave him. The details of that email are private but I feel at peace. It is something that Christ has commanded me to do and I followed through.

Today there is peace in my heart. My God has restored me and I believe He will restore my relationship with my step-father. How dare I withhold forgiveness when Christ has given me so much?

The power of being forgiven and forgiving others is overwhelming wonderful. It is enough to bring you to your knees again and again.

As soon as the link is up for the message I heard today, I will share it. It is life changing.

Momentous Monday

I am linking up with Tiffany's Momentous Monday. You can check out her blog here.

It was one of those moments that caught me completely off guard. I did not realize how closely my husband pays attention to my odd habits.

He was filling the dishwasher and getting ready to start it when he looked over at me and gave me that look.

I shot a glare back and asked him, "what was that look for?"

He answered, " I know how much you love to squeeze the gel into the holder, do you want to do it?"

My jaw dropped and out came deep laughters. I was laughing so hard I had to hold myself up at the kitchen sink. Roger was also laughing at me. I told him that he was crazy, that I do not really care about squeezing the gel into the holder. But he knows me, oh does he know me. He told me that he sees the excitement I get out of it and that there is something so magical for me to watch the blue stuff get squeezed out of the bottle.

And guess what?

He. was. right.

I love squeezing the gel into the holder. I cannot explain it, I really can't. I am an odd one and I will be the first to admit it.

My moment this week is silly but it really shows me how much this man loves me. He really pays attention to me. Roger is my everything and I cannot imagine life without him.