The cursor blinking in front of me seems to be making fun of me.
I have come to this blank page so many times and have left knowing that I did not know what to share.
In my life, I am at a changing point. I am completely sure of it. I am faced at the cross roads, which way to go, what will happen? I am graduating in May and then a short week later getting married. Both of those things sit very well with me. I have planned them and have come to accept them in the most wonderful of ways. In July though, I have not accepted that yet. Roger and I have decided to move. We will be moving to Raleigh, North Carolina to pursue Roger a degree at a better school. He will be attending North Carolina State University. We will be within minutes of my best friend, Shannon and her sweet soon-to-be husband, John. We are beyond excited to move. Well part of me is.
There will be no sense of home there, only the home that Roger and I create, together. This is where I lose sleep at night. What kind of housing and lifestyle we live depends on what kind of job I get. We will no doubt, be living in a huge apartment complex with a pool in the backyard and a complete workout center within walking distance, but is it what we really want? I struggle with this because I am at a cross roads in my life. My eyes have been opened to the truth of those suffering all over the world and yet I am trying to get enough money so I can have a washer and drier inside of my apartment. I feel selfish and materialistic.
I think of my sweet sponsored child, Glory. She lives half way across the world in a mud hut and seems completely happy with her life because she does not know "what she is missing." Is she missing anything? Am I the one missing something? I know that God has placed me into this life with these privileges but I am not naive enough to think that I desire more "things" than God does. I am trying to find the balance of being excited to get a new home and fill it with "our stuff" and yet still be grounded where we realize that we do not need these things.
I do not want know where to go with this post, which is why I probably have written it several times. I only pray that my Father will help me and my love to discern these things. I pray the He is able to help us realize what is truly important. There are so many things that I am bringing before my God because my heart is breaking. I pray that in His time He will answer my questions and allow me rest.
I drove by a church the other day and their sign said, "Pray and let God do the worrying..."
That's what I will do.
