Doing. Doer. Fixing.

My default is to do. I am doer. I get hurt, I fix it. I feel sad, I comfort myself. I feel betrayed, I build a wall. A friend is hurt, I help. I am a doer, a doer of all sorts of things, not always a bad thing but sometimes it's a very bad thing. Truthfully my doer mentality is a mask I wear to cover the insecurity I feel in any given situation. I am an insecure person. Yeah, how's that for some honesty?

Today it hit me how much of a doer (okay we can use the word control freak) that I am. I control so that I feel safe or secure in my environment. It's like a huge struggle for me, you don't even know. I was cleaning my house thinking over the last week or so and I was overwhelmed with all that I had to do.

There is my friend who is going through some tough times...
There is a family who is hurting...
There is a boy who is seeking truth...
There is a home that needs order...
There are some ugly habits that need to be addressed...
There is a husband who needs my attention...
There are items at work to be taken care of...
There is a family traveling to see us...
There are items to be done with the new apartment..
There are budget concerns...
There is...
There is...
There is...

I mean seriously, you get the picture.

You know what I started to do? Fix them. Yup. I made a mental to-do list on how to fix all of the above situations. I mean come on, I am a doer, let's fix it all. I can do this, say this, make this, buy this, take care of this. I can fix (control) whatever comes my way.

Do you want to know where that got me? Crying ugly sobs at the bottom of my shower. It's how I roll when life gets to me. I cry in the shower. Yup, like a boss. Gah so much honesty tonight.

But as I am sitting there, crying in my shower, something came over me, something very powerful. This voice reminding me again that I am falling back into my same patterns. I am leaning on my own strength to do the to-do list that I have created. I struggle against myself and Satan instead of giving it over to God. I instantly felt convicted, why oh why do I go to my "doer" mentality when life hands me something I may or may not like? Why is my first thought myself? Why don't I turn it over to Jesus first and see what He has to say? Why do I take on this extra burden of doing it myself? I mean this is something you learn day 1 if you grew up in the church. Give it to Jesus, He will take care of it, He has a plan. Is it that I don't believe that? Or is it that I trust myself more than Jesus? Do I not think Jesus won't come through for me? I mean He has before but this time is different. Clearly He is too busy with someone else.

I hate this pattern of falling back into the same thing. I want to learn. I want Jesus to change me from the inside out. I want His name to the first I think of when there is a to-do. I want Jesus to have my burden and to handle it. It's a learning cycle (Dave!!) and I kind of have a love hate relationship with that. I love that Jesus is refining me and changing me but I wish I would learn this already. I mean who wants to ugly cry in their shower? Not me. Sigh.