How do I?

"The single greatest cause of Atheism today is Christians, who acknowledge Jesus with their lips and deny Him by their lifestyle."

This idea of praising Jesus with my mouth and then denying him with my lifestyle has been breaking my heart for weeks now. I have read several books on how we are supposed to be different as Christians, I have listened to countless messages on this issue and I watched a movie tonight that questions Christianity in America and how following Jesus is actually supposed to look. 

It's hard stuff guys and I am not sure I can even process it, let alone try to explain it here on my blog. 

It wrecks me to know that how I live my life could potentially either lead someone to Christ or make them completely turn the other way. (I am not taking ANYTHING away from the Holy Spirit here...) 

So how am I different? How does my life look different than that of the unbeliever next to me? If you asked me co-worker if I was a Christian would they know? Or would they just say I am a nice girl? In my heart I want to say yes of course they know I am a Christian, I don't swear, I don't party, I go to church, I live a simple life but so what... so do the Amish people and they may not be Christians... I mean seriously how does my life look different?

And this is where I am stuck and not stuck like someone should message me and say oh you are a good person, if you say you love God then people will know... blah blah blah I am done with this luke warm Christianity  non sense that my world seems to be stuck on. (Sorry that may be harsh...)

No the question is how do I do it differently, I mean every aspect of my life differently? How do I allow Christ to flood my thoughts so that everything truly is different?

How do I love Roger?
How do I maintain a home?
How do I take care of my body?
How do I present myself? Do I care about how i look, what I wear, and what size i am in? (Not saying do not take care of yourself...)
How do I react to my family situations when I would rather pretend they are not there?
How do I react to a stupid co-worker who just doesn't get it?
How do I react to my boss changing my plans?
How do I do church?
How do I worship?
How do I do community?
Where does my money go?
Where does my time go?

And you know that this list could go on and on but when will I start to take this Jesus stuff serious? He died for me and I give Him half of me (gosh half is generous...) what is up with that? Why don't I try harder?  And I should add in here that I DO NOT think that "acting" like I am different and "doing" the right things makes me a Christ follower or better than you. I can quickly become legalistic and I am not trying to create a check list for my Christian walk. 

I am talking about true heart change. The kind of heart change where I really see people for how Christ sees them because Lord knows I am a mess up and He saved me. The kind of heart change that honestly, most days I don't want, I am comfortable and okay right where I am. This kind of heart change does crazy to people and I don't want crazy. I want okay but Jesus never promised me that so why do I chase after the okay life? 

Gosh, more questions than answers but it is clear to me that Jesus is stirring something up in my heart. I know that probably before I go to bed, I will fall but Jesus has saved me and His grace and mercies are new each day. 

I would like to apologize if this post doesn't sit well with you but the truth is I can't because maybe there is a reason you aren't a fan of reading it, who knows. Writing helps me process and I needed this space to write. Also I should apologize because tonight I wrote like I would talk and if it doesn't flow well then welcome to my world :) :) 

Until we meet again cyber world!