I imagined a birth mother as woman who has the worst life. I imagined that she drank, does drugs, and sleeps around. I imagine that she isn't able to hold a steady job and definitely does not have prior children. I imagine that she wakes up next to different guys all the time and prays that she isn't pregnant. She may even be in high school and may have slept with her high school boyfriend. Either way, she is not the kind of woman that I want to rub shoulders with.
That is what I thought before I entered this session and I bet if you were honest with yourself you would agree with some of my judgements. Here's what I learned about Birth Mothers...
A birth mother is someone who carried a child for 9 months and gives that child up for adoption. (That I knew...) What I never thought of was how she reached this decision. I watched a video by Bethany Christian Services with real birth mothers who told their story. The journey of a birth mother is incredible. It has often been said that a birth mother does not care for her child and that is why she gives them up. It's the complete opposite! A birth mother cares so much for her child. She has to make the decision that she is not able to care for the child. This means denying herself the rights to her child. She knows that she cannot offer the child the right kind of life, sure she could live selfishly and decided to keep that child but she doesn't. She knows she cannot care for the child so she does the next best thing and carries that child to term and then allow someone else to care for that child. She may want to keep the child but she knows that in the long run this will only hurt the child.
One of the things that the video pointed out was that the birth mother's greatest fear is she will have no contact with her child after she places it for adoption. A birth mother wants to know that her child is safe, after all, she is the one who decided to give the child up. And trust me, these services make sure that this decision is what the mother wants. You need to understand (and I needed to as all) that the birth mother does care for her child and does want some degree of contact with the child and even the adoptive parents.
The video shared some myths and facts about birth mothers that I want to share here.
Myth- A birth mother could show up on my door step if I chose an open adoption.
Fact- The chances of that happening are slim, extremely slim. Birth mothers in this video said that they have already made the choice to give up their child to someone who can take better care of them, so why would they want to ruin the chance that their child is comfortable by showing up.
Myth- Your child will be screwed up with an open adoption because of two moms. They won't be able to tell the difference.
Fact- That's not the case at all. The social worker said, give your child credit. They understand that they have 2 sets of grandparents, they will understand 2 mothers. Also, it is good for the child to know about the birth mother, it helps puts the puzzle pieces together in their mind. The social worker said that a 5 year old explained the different mom's this way. "My birth mom is the one who grew me inside her tummy then she gave me to my mom who is taking care of me because my birth mom cannot."
The social worker presented some statistics as well. She said that 3% of mothers want a closed adoption. This normally is the case for someone who is raped. She said that 97% of birth mothers want at least some information on their child. It helps them know that they made the right choice. 90% of birth mothers would like to meet the adoptive parents. You need to remember that birth mothers want peace of mind from their decision. They want to know that their child is in the best hands possible, which is why the social worker said that closed adoptions are not happening. She said she places maybe one closed adoption a year compared to almost 40 semi or open adoptions. The social worker said that as adoptive parents you have the amazing opportunity to give your birth mother peace of mind and let her know that she did make the right decision.
With all of this being said, just remember how hard it was for the birth mother to come to this decision. She had to come to the conclusion that she is not capable of caring for a child then she had to hand pick you from hundreds of profiles. She most likely will want some contact either pictures or letters maybe a phone call but she will leave the parenting to you. She made the decision for you to parent her child. She wants what is best for her baby. Just remember that.
I now have the upmost respect for birth mothers. You should too.
Random Fact- In North Carolina, the birth mother has 7 days to take the child back after she signs over her rights. And the social worker said that she has seen maybe one a year where this happens. Of course, I am talking about infants in this situation. Most children who are older are in foster care and the parent has already left them behind.
