Reoccurring {Dream} Nightmare

For the past several nights I find myself awake in the middle of the night after having the same dream. I get a call one day that my birth father, Mark has passed away and I should go back to the house that I grew up in to see if there is anything that I want. For some reason, I have my friends Jim and Tiffany drive me there with Roger. I see my childhood house. It is a trailer with a living room addition. It looks the same way that I did when I was there more than 13 years ago. I walk up the sidewalk that I helped pour when I was just a little girl. I walk up the stairs and into our mud room. I dream it just like it was when I left that house. There is NASCAR stuff all over the walls in the mud room and I continue to walk through until I come to the living room. In the middle of the floor is a star that Mark laid into our wood floor. In the middle of the star is a checker board so we could always play games if we wanted. I run my hands over the board. Everything is the same. I look over at Jim, Tiffany, and Roger and look at them as they observe my childhood house. I feel embarrassedand ashamed. I grew up in a very unclean house. It was a trailer and it lived up to that name. I glance over at the wall and see pictures of me, my brothers, and my half sisters. I take a step closer and see letters and pictures that I drew for Mark when I was a very little girl. He has everything taped up. He only has pictures of me until I was 7 because my mom took us kids and left that house forever. In my dream, I start to cry. I am shaking and I feel so upset that I never let Mark know me as a young woman. I turn to my friends and I tell them that I should have written Mark a letter and sent him pictures of me while I was growing up. In my dream, I am now crying so hard that I am actually crying in my sleep. I finally wake myself and my pillow is actually soaked with tears. I feel so upset that I never let Mark know me. I think to myself that I really should just forgive and forget. I think about how I wish I could run up to Mark while he is still alive and have him hold me like that father that I desperately want him to be. I think about telling him that I love him and that I forgive him for everything he has done. Then my mind changes. I think to myself I cannot forgive him. This is the father who abused my mother sexually, emotionally, and physically. This is the father who physically abused my brother. This is the father who would get so mad at me that he would punch holes in my walls. This is the father that sexually abused my half sisters. This is the father who would punish me if I came out in the middle of the night while he was watching his porn. This is the father who decided that I was not important enough to see after my mother had left. This is the father who broke my heart and who skewed my view of every man that ever entered my life. How can I forgive that man?

That is why this post is titled Reoccurring {Dream} Nightmare. My biggest dream is also my biggest nightmare. I haven't figured out why I am having these dreams. To be honest, I haven't even started to pray about it because I am TERRIFIED of what God will do with this situation. I have turn it over to God. I need a good nights sleep. I will pray that God will start to work through these issues. I am not looking to forgive and forget just yet, I am looking to God for comfort first. I will see what follows after I follow God.

** This post was a tad more open that I realized. I hope that I do not offend anyone who reads this. If you want to know my story better, I am open to share.**