Logical Progression

Have you ever agreed to something that shakes you to your very core? The idea of it makes you want to run and hide because you know that you will never amount up to what you should. It's new territory and it's scary, very scary. Everyone has to go through these moments at sometime in their life. If they never did, life would be uninteresting. It's these moments that help mold you into what you need to become.

So what am I overwhelmed with? I know you are dying to know! ;-) Marriage. Yes that is right, getting married. I agreed to marry Roger for more reasons than I have time to write. But just because I agreed doesn't mean that I am not screaming on the inside because I am terrified. I am not scared about planning the wedding because planning is pretty much my middle name. I am not scared to find an apartment and settle a house. I have been dreaming of what my first apartment would look and feel like. I am not scared of having to take care of Roger. I am excited to do his laundry, make him soup when he is sick, and clean up his little messes around the house. I am even not really scared to cook because when all else fails I know that I can just order a pizza and Roger will be fine! No, those things do not scare me. I am excited and I welcome them into my life. I am scared about the things that come after marriage...

Roger has a friend from high school that recently told us he and his fiance were expecting. Over the past couple of weeks our conversation has been based on that topic. Children. Normally, we chat about what his friend will be like as a dad or how the kid will turn out but yesterday we talked about us having a child. Now we are not talking about getting pregnant out of wedlock for we do not believe that is right, but in the future we will have kids. (Also, I am not here to condone anyone, I believe God gives grace and forgiveness to those who may have had a child out of wedlock). And the future, the part after marriage, the time when it is our turn to have a child, that scares me. I have these great visions of Roger coming home from work and taking our son outside to play ball because as a young child that is what Roger's dad did with him. It is a great memory that Roger has of his youth. I am not actually scared to have a son ( I know that may change) but I am terrified of having a daughter. For the sake of this post, I am not going to go into detail with my childhood so let's just say that I did not grow up with a Father figure. Likewise, Roger's household is all boys besides his mother. Neither of us have seen that connection between a father and daughter. That is what scares me. I want so desperately to create that Father/Daughter bond. I want to come home and see Roger cuddled up with our daughter watching the latest Disney movie because their bond is so strong. Even this picture in my mind brings tears to my eyes! The idea of having children scares me. The idea of having a daughter scares me. The idea that I am held responsible for my child's spirituality scares me enough to not want children.

Maybe you are thinking that I am crazy. How are you engaged and thinking about the idea of having children? Maybe you are thinking that I should not be scared about having kids but scared about getting married. ;-) But you need to understand who I am. I am a planner. When I said yes to Roger, I said yes to someday being the mother of his children. I said yes to more things that I know I said yes to. All of these things are just a logical progression in my head. So today, in this moment, I am scared of having children, but that's not to say that this time next week, I am scared of walking down the aisle. Everything changes from time to time and this is what I am stuck on right now.