.Let God Worry.

The cursor blinking in front of me seems to be making fun of me.

I have come to this blank page so many times and have left knowing that I did not know what to share.

In my life, I am at a changing point. I am completely sure of it. I am faced at the cross roads, which way to go, what will happen? I am graduating in May and then a short week later getting married. Both of those things sit very well with me. I have planned them and have come to accept them in the most wonderful of ways. In July though, I have not accepted that yet. Roger and I have decided to move. We will be moving to Raleigh, North Carolina to pursue Roger a degree at a better school. He will be attending North Carolina State University. We will be within minutes of my best friend, Shannon and her sweet soon-to-be husband, John. We are beyond excited to move. Well part of me is.

There will be no sense of home there, only the home that Roger and I create, together. This is where I lose sleep at night. What kind of housing and lifestyle we live depends on what kind of job I get. We will no doubt, be living in a huge apartment complex with a pool in the backyard and a complete workout center within walking distance, but is it what we really want? I struggle with this because I am at a cross roads in my life. My eyes have been opened to the truth of those suffering all over the world and yet I am trying to get enough money so I can have a washer and drier inside of my apartment. I feel selfish and materialistic.

I think of my sweet sponsored child, Glory. She lives half way across the world in a mud hut and seems completely happy with her life because she does not know "what she is missing." Is she missing anything? Am I the one missing something? I know that God has placed me into this life with these privileges but I am not naive enough to think that I desire more "things" than God does. I am trying to find the balance of being excited to get a new home and fill it with "our stuff" and yet still be grounded where we realize that we do not need these things.

I do not want know where to go with this post, which is why I probably have written it several times. I only pray that my Father will help me and my love to discern these things. I pray the He is able to help us realize what is truly important. There are so many things that I am bringing before my God because my heart is breaking. I pray that in His time He will answer my questions and allow me rest.

I drove by a church the other day and their sign said, "Pray and let God do the worrying..."

That's what I will do.

.American Jesus.

I know two blog posts in one day! I can't help it. I need to write about this. Let me know share this quote with you from David Platt's book Radical.

" We are giving in to the dangerous temptation to take the Jesus of the Bible and twist him into a version of Jesus we are more comfortable with. A nice, middle-class, American Jesus. A Jesus who doesn't mind materialism and who would never call us to give away everything we have. A Jesus who would not expect us to forsake our closest relationships so that He receives all of our affection. A Jesus who is fine with nominal devotion that does not infringe on our comforts, because, after all, he loves us just the way we are. A Jesus who wants us to be balanced, who wants us to avoid dangerous extremes, and who, for that matter wants us to avoid danger all together. A Jesus who brings us comfort and prosperity as live out our Christian spin on the American dream. But do you and I realize what we are doing? We are molding Jesus into our image."

If you skipped over that, please go back and read it. I am ashamed. I never imagined that that's what I was doing to Jesus. How dare I twist the Jesus of the Bible into something that He isn't? How was it that I sat through countless church services and Sunday school lessons and have never heard that we are molding Jesus into our image? We have things backwards here. We and our Americanized churches are screwed up. We say we believe one thing and we do not. Can I honestly say that I believe in the Jesus of the Bible? Not the Jesus in my mind, the Jesus in the Bible. And if I do believe in the Jesus of the Bible am I willing to believe whatever Jesus says? Am I committed to obeying whatever Jesus says?

Lord- I am ashamed. I come before you humbled and ashamed. I cannot put into words how I feel right now. I cannot believe all of this time I have been molding you into something that you are not. Why have I had this backwards? Show me the real You. Do not let me eyes be blind to the need around me. Please teach me to obey the You of the Bible. The Jesus who left everything and gave His entire life to service. Please open my eyes. Please do not let these words go in one ear and out the other. I desire change. I want something different for my life. You are the change that I need.

.Different Plans.

I am always learning. I am always growing. I am always being challenged. However, I feel like I am always learning the same thing. {Maybe I haven't learned it yet or maybe it's a never ending cycle?} I am constantly learning that my plans may not be God's plans. I do not want to go into too many details but let's just say I had my hopes up. I was for sure this was what God wanted me to do. I was so certain that our plans were intertwined on this. They were not. I got the devastating news yesterday and as it slowly sank in, I realized our plans were not intertwined. Maybe God still has a way to make this work by taking different steps. He could surprise me and everything could come together the way I had thought. Maybe not though. Maybe He has shut the door and has something better for me. For now, I will wait and pray. I am desperately praying that somewhere along this road, that our plans meet up, that He gives me the desires of my heart. If not then I will learn to live with it. After all, who I am to tell God what to do? {Although, I really want to...}

...

Let's be honest...

...learning patience is easier said than done...
... I wish waiting was easier...              
...It's not that easy to wait....
...nevertheless, I wait...
                     

Christmas 2010

Christmas has come on gone but I will not forget the events of this year.

If you read my previous post you know that Christmas always brings on mixed emotions for me. What I didn't know is how many mixed emotions I would really be feeling this year. My mom called me a few days before Christmas and informed me that she would like to do Christmas on Christmas Eve with my brothers. She said that way I can stay with Roger on Christmas. She really wanted all of us there for Christmas. I happily agreed. I then called Roger and began to cry uncontrollably. My mom had changed Christmas. This was my last Christmas before I was married and now I couldn't spend it with my family. I was devastated. I cried and cried for days. All of the things that I look forward to were gone.

As I drove to my moms, I wasn't sure how this would all work out. My brother and sister-in-law came from California. My little brother and his girlfriend were there and so was my sweet love. We spent an entire afternoon together. I laughed with my brothers. I enjoyed their company. We opened gifts and enjoyed every moment together. My sweet brother and sister got me a picture from their wedding. It is a picture of me hugging my brother and my eyes are closed and he is hugging me back. I cried when I opened it. It was the most thoughtful gift I could have ever received. They knew just what I wanted and I couldn't be happier. We said our goodbyes and left my mom in tears. She was happy to have everyone there but sad to see us all leave. As we drove away, I silently cried. It was so hard to leave my mom. It was so hard to not do the things that we normally do. My mom even informed me that my youngest brother cried after we left too. It was just different but it was perfect.

From my mom's we went to Roger's family. Being with the Roses is something that I truly cherish. I love being apart of another family. I love being able to hang out and laugh with a group of people that I love so much. I loved being there with them on Christmas. They do Christmas late and do I mean late! 8:30AM!! At my house, we are done by 7AM! When I came out of my room on Christmas morning, Roger's dad was making muffins for us. It is not something you see everyday! Little did we know, he would forget they were in the oven and they would burn. It would make for great laughs later on though. We opened presents with everyone there, including Roger's grandpa. It was fun to see the excitement on their faces as they opened their favorite gifts. I have such a good relationship with everyone. Christmas was different at their house but I truly did enjoy it. I can't ask for better in-laws! And I just love my new brothers to pieces. God has truly taken me out of a broken home into just the home I needed. He has blessed me beyond words. He is what Christmas is all about. I hope when I look back to Christmas 2010 I will remember what He did in my life.

Christmas

Christmas has always held a special time in my heart...

The memories that I have shared with my brothers are priceless...

The times I have crawled into my mother's bed and just talked is so meaningful...

I will always remember not waking up my youngest brother so my middle brother and I could sneak up and look at all the presents without getting caught...

I will always remember making sure the coffee was made before we were allowed to wake up my mom...

I will always remember the first Christmas that we didn't get to spend with my brother due to the Air Force...

I will always remember the emptiness that even now I still feel towards this holiday...

I will always remember this Christmas, as it is the last Christmas before I am married...

{Sigh}

It is the last Christmas that I will spend with my family before I am married. I have mixed emotions. I am not sure how to bring our two world's together to make our Christmas special. I am not sure how I will feel when my mom isn't there to hand us our presents. I am not sure how Roger will feel with his brothers not by his side. It is the uncertain of it all that scares me the most. On the other hand, I am ecstatic to make our own traditions. Will we have a special breakfast? Will we read the Christmas story together? Will we hide our stockings? I am ready to make Christmas our own next year. I am ready to make it feel special. I am ready to feel like a family.

Christmas will always hold a special place in my heart and I cannot wait to see what memories I tuck away this year and for the years to come.

Merry Christmas, Everyone!

Happy Birthday, Savior!!

In Control

The semester is over and I have found myself with some free time so I picked up the Beth Moore book that my sweet friend, Tiffany gave me. I am still reading the book and today it really convicted me. Let me share a section that I just read...

"People who are chronically insecure {that's me} often have an overwhelming tendency to become control freaks. Upon serious consideration, that inclination makes perfect sense. We feel more secure when our environment is in control, and since no one is able to control it to our satisfaction, we decide we have to do it ourselves. If someone who do it and do it right, we wouldn't have to take over, so its not really our fault, we reason. It's our responsibility."

Right to my heart. It's like Beth stepped into my life and documented every minute of it. I am a control freak. Did I just admit that? I mean to a point that it is sinful. I feel all of this extra pressure because I have to do it right and I have to do it right then.

I have been stuck in the huddle. I know that I am a control freak but how do I release the grip on my life? It's easier said than done. I will start by honestly praying to the Lord who is in control of my life to change me. I need to change. I need to get out there and start the fight to end this war in my life.

Pray for me?