Countdown Continues

It is almost time for so many exciting things in my life. I thought I would share with everyone what will be going on the next couple of months.

On Thursday I leave for California to see my brother, Nathan and his wife, Lorin. I am so excited and am so blessed to be able to go on this vacation. I love my brothers dearly and being able to spend some time with them before I get married is just fabulous.

In 5 weeks, I will be finishing my undergraduate degree in Accounting from Binghamton University. It has been a long time coming and I can finally see the finish line. I am sure that I will go on and get my Master's but I will be taking a much needed break before I start schooling again. I am hoping to find an Accounting job in North Carolina when we move and to start working a normal 9-5 job.

In 6 weeks, I will be getting married to the love of my life. I am so excited to finally start this chapter of our lives together. It also  has been a long time coming. We have been together for 3 and a half years. We know this is the right step for us and we cannot wait to take the journey of life together. There are many details to be finished and last minute projects that will occupy our time, but in the end it will be worth it! Right after our wedding we will honeymoon in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico. It has always been a dream of mine to go to Mexico and I can't believe that I will be able to travel with someone so wonderful.

After our honeymoon, we will return to NY for 6 weeks and stay at my Mom's apartment. She has generously offered to stay somewhere else for the 6 weeks and let us have her apartment rent free. Plus it will be completely furnished! We are so blessed by my mom and her boyfriend. I spent many hours worrying about our living situation while we were still in NY but He has taken care of it. Why do I ever worry? :)

So why are we staying for 6 weeks? Well my best friend, Shannon is marrying the love of her life on July 15 and I am in the wedding. I want to be able to help her with whatever she needs so we decided moving to North Carolina could wait. After her and John get married, we will be joining them in Raleigh, North Carolina. We have found an apartment within minutes of John and Shannon and we are eagerly waiting to be hear back from them. From there Roger will be going to school at North Carolina State and I will be {hopefully} finding a job to provide for the family.

We are really looking forward to these next couple of months. They bring a lot of excitement and joy but at the same time nervousness. Roger and I are certain this is what God wants us to do and we cannot be more excited to see how it all plays out.

It's the most wonderful time of year... for us anyways :)

.Far from my mind.

I get it all the time...

"How are the wedding plans coming?"

I answer. "Oh they are good. We just ordered flowers, sent out our invitations, and are plugging away."

It is true. We did order flowers. We are plugging away at the details. But wedding plans are not really on my mind... dare I say it?

I am graduating Business School in May. (One week before the wedding). I have a thousand projects to do. Not little projects, big massive, group presentation projects. They  keep me busy beyond belief.

I am also leaving my job of 6 years. Not for any bad reason but because Roger and I are moving to North Carolina. However, since I am leaving, I have to find someone to replace me. I have to prep the Y for the whole summer to make sure they would be fine if we cannot find anyone. This requires scheduling upon scheduling upon scheduling. It is a lot of work and stress.

Since we are moving, we are also dealing with all of "that" stuff. You know, finding an apartment, applying, moving down their, expenses, and of course, getting a job in North Carolina in Accounting. This is the kind of stress that I enjoy but at the same time it is still stress.

Then there are some very personal issues going on in my family. These things I am not at liberty to talk about but they have shaken me and my other loved ones. These problems are the type of problems that I lose sleep over, almost every night. These are the problems that can instantly make me throw up because I am so worried. These are the problems that haunt me as I enter into the marriage covenant with Roger. These problems are the stress that I never wanted to deal with but have been forced to face them.

As you can see, wedding plans are far from my mind. Sometimes, I just want to crawl into a hole and stay there until the world is safe again. I want to forget wedding plans, jobs, moving, and personal problems. I mean don't we all?

I'll keep pushing forward, looking to Him for help, strength, and guidance. After all, once this chapter closes in my life, I am going to miss it? Right?

.5% of God's Heart.

I am still working my way through David Platt's book Radical. It is simply, eye opening. When I was reading through chapter 4 the other day I came across something that I need to share. At first, I wasn't sure that writing about this was a good idea because I am going to step on some toes but then again when did Jesus beat around the bush to make His point?

We have heard it said many times in our Christian circles, " I have a heart for the United States." "My heart is here in the US while others are called to serve else where, I am set here." "How can I help the rest of the world when there are starving, dying, sinners here in my very town?"

All great statements. I am not going to advocate that there should be no ministry within the US. I am not going to say that people shouldn't adopt from the US or help the needy here in our very towns. I am just going to share with you something from this book. Take it as you may, for me and my life it is continuing to change me.

"Others may say God has given me a heart for US. These statements sound spiritual, but when we prove deeper, they seem more like smoke screens. They are smoke screens because most of us really are not very concerned about the needs right around us. Most Christians rarely share the gospel and most Christian's schedules are not heavily weighted to feed the hungry, helping the sick, and strengthening the church in the neediest places in our country. But even if we were doing these things, we would still be overlooking a foundational biblical truth when we say our hearts are for the US. As we have seen all over  Scripture, God's heart is for the world. So when we say we have a heart for the US, we are admitting that we have a meager 5% of God's heart and WE ARE PROUD OF IT. When we say we have a heart for the city we live in, we confess that we have less than 1% of God's heart!"

I do not know about you but I never want to only have 5% of God's heart.  We say all the time that we want what God wants but we really don't. We want what we want within our safe circles. It is disgusting. I am ashamed. I am not even sure what the next step is here. I think the first step is being completely aware of this concept and making a conscious effort to change.

Lord~ I am now aware, help me to change. Do not let me go back to the way I was.

.Let God Worry.

The cursor blinking in front of me seems to be making fun of me.

I have come to this blank page so many times and have left knowing that I did not know what to share.

In my life, I am at a changing point. I am completely sure of it. I am faced at the cross roads, which way to go, what will happen? I am graduating in May and then a short week later getting married. Both of those things sit very well with me. I have planned them and have come to accept them in the most wonderful of ways. In July though, I have not accepted that yet. Roger and I have decided to move. We will be moving to Raleigh, North Carolina to pursue Roger a degree at a better school. He will be attending North Carolina State University. We will be within minutes of my best friend, Shannon and her sweet soon-to-be husband, John. We are beyond excited to move. Well part of me is.

There will be no sense of home there, only the home that Roger and I create, together. This is where I lose sleep at night. What kind of housing and lifestyle we live depends on what kind of job I get. We will no doubt, be living in a huge apartment complex with a pool in the backyard and a complete workout center within walking distance, but is it what we really want? I struggle with this because I am at a cross roads in my life. My eyes have been opened to the truth of those suffering all over the world and yet I am trying to get enough money so I can have a washer and drier inside of my apartment. I feel selfish and materialistic.

I think of my sweet sponsored child, Glory. She lives half way across the world in a mud hut and seems completely happy with her life because she does not know "what she is missing." Is she missing anything? Am I the one missing something? I know that God has placed me into this life with these privileges but I am not naive enough to think that I desire more "things" than God does. I am trying to find the balance of being excited to get a new home and fill it with "our stuff" and yet still be grounded where we realize that we do not need these things.

I do not want know where to go with this post, which is why I probably have written it several times. I only pray that my Father will help me and my love to discern these things. I pray the He is able to help us realize what is truly important. There are so many things that I am bringing before my God because my heart is breaking. I pray that in His time He will answer my questions and allow me rest.

I drove by a church the other day and their sign said, "Pray and let God do the worrying..."

That's what I will do.

.American Jesus.

I know two blog posts in one day! I can't help it. I need to write about this. Let me know share this quote with you from David Platt's book Radical.

" We are giving in to the dangerous temptation to take the Jesus of the Bible and twist him into a version of Jesus we are more comfortable with. A nice, middle-class, American Jesus. A Jesus who doesn't mind materialism and who would never call us to give away everything we have. A Jesus who would not expect us to forsake our closest relationships so that He receives all of our affection. A Jesus who is fine with nominal devotion that does not infringe on our comforts, because, after all, he loves us just the way we are. A Jesus who wants us to be balanced, who wants us to avoid dangerous extremes, and who, for that matter wants us to avoid danger all together. A Jesus who brings us comfort and prosperity as live out our Christian spin on the American dream. But do you and I realize what we are doing? We are molding Jesus into our image."

If you skipped over that, please go back and read it. I am ashamed. I never imagined that that's what I was doing to Jesus. How dare I twist the Jesus of the Bible into something that He isn't? How was it that I sat through countless church services and Sunday school lessons and have never heard that we are molding Jesus into our image? We have things backwards here. We and our Americanized churches are screwed up. We say we believe one thing and we do not. Can I honestly say that I believe in the Jesus of the Bible? Not the Jesus in my mind, the Jesus in the Bible. And if I do believe in the Jesus of the Bible am I willing to believe whatever Jesus says? Am I committed to obeying whatever Jesus says?

Lord- I am ashamed. I come before you humbled and ashamed. I cannot put into words how I feel right now. I cannot believe all of this time I have been molding you into something that you are not. Why have I had this backwards? Show me the real You. Do not let me eyes be blind to the need around me. Please teach me to obey the You of the Bible. The Jesus who left everything and gave His entire life to service. Please open my eyes. Please do not let these words go in one ear and out the other. I desire change. I want something different for my life. You are the change that I need.

.Different Plans.

I am always learning. I am always growing. I am always being challenged. However, I feel like I am always learning the same thing. {Maybe I haven't learned it yet or maybe it's a never ending cycle?} I am constantly learning that my plans may not be God's plans. I do not want to go into too many details but let's just say I had my hopes up. I was for sure this was what God wanted me to do. I was so certain that our plans were intertwined on this. They were not. I got the devastating news yesterday and as it slowly sank in, I realized our plans were not intertwined. Maybe God still has a way to make this work by taking different steps. He could surprise me and everything could come together the way I had thought. Maybe not though. Maybe He has shut the door and has something better for me. For now, I will wait and pray. I am desperately praying that somewhere along this road, that our plans meet up, that He gives me the desires of my heart. If not then I will learn to live with it. After all, who I am to tell God what to do? {Although, I really want to...}

...

Let's be honest...

...learning patience is easier said than done...
... I wish waiting was easier...              
...It's not that easy to wait....
...nevertheless, I wait...