Reoccurring {Dream} Nightmare

For the past several nights I find myself awake in the middle of the night after having the same dream. I get a call one day that my birth father, Mark has passed away and I should go back to the house that I grew up in to see if there is anything that I want. For some reason, I have my friends Jim and Tiffany drive me there with Roger. I see my childhood house. It is a trailer with a living room addition. It looks the same way that I did when I was there more than 13 years ago. I walk up the sidewalk that I helped pour when I was just a little girl. I walk up the stairs and into our mud room. I dream it just like it was when I left that house. There is NASCAR stuff all over the walls in the mud room and I continue to walk through until I come to the living room. In the middle of the floor is a star that Mark laid into our wood floor. In the middle of the star is a checker board so we could always play games if we wanted. I run my hands over the board. Everything is the same. I look over at Jim, Tiffany, and Roger and look at them as they observe my childhood house. I feel embarrassedand ashamed. I grew up in a very unclean house. It was a trailer and it lived up to that name. I glance over at the wall and see pictures of me, my brothers, and my half sisters. I take a step closer and see letters and pictures that I drew for Mark when I was a very little girl. He has everything taped up. He only has pictures of me until I was 7 because my mom took us kids and left that house forever. In my dream, I start to cry. I am shaking and I feel so upset that I never let Mark know me as a young woman. I turn to my friends and I tell them that I should have written Mark a letter and sent him pictures of me while I was growing up. In my dream, I am now crying so hard that I am actually crying in my sleep. I finally wake myself and my pillow is actually soaked with tears. I feel so upset that I never let Mark know me. I think to myself that I really should just forgive and forget. I think about how I wish I could run up to Mark while he is still alive and have him hold me like that father that I desperately want him to be. I think about telling him that I love him and that I forgive him for everything he has done. Then my mind changes. I think to myself I cannot forgive him. This is the father who abused my mother sexually, emotionally, and physically. This is the father who physically abused my brother. This is the father who would get so mad at me that he would punch holes in my walls. This is the father that sexually abused my half sisters. This is the father who would punish me if I came out in the middle of the night while he was watching his porn. This is the father who decided that I was not important enough to see after my mother had left. This is the father who broke my heart and who skewed my view of every man that ever entered my life. How can I forgive that man?

That is why this post is titled Reoccurring {Dream} Nightmare. My biggest dream is also my biggest nightmare. I haven't figured out why I am having these dreams. To be honest, I haven't even started to pray about it because I am TERRIFIED of what God will do with this situation. I have turn it over to God. I need a good nights sleep. I will pray that God will start to work through these issues. I am not looking to forgive and forget just yet, I am looking to God for comfort first. I will see what follows after I follow God.

** This post was a tad more open that I realized. I hope that I do not offend anyone who reads this. If you want to know my story better, I am open to share.**

Little Goals

The grass is greener, the birds are louder, the sun is brighter and warmer, and the signs of spring are evident. I love this time of year. I love it because it reminds me that even though for months we are under this frozen blanket it will be lifted and we will return to the summer months. It reminds me of my Christian walk. For some time I have felt like I have been under a frozen blanket. My heart has been cold. I have been struggling with this idea of Christianity. I needed a goal. I needed a end to this walk. I needed to see that after months of worshipping God it would be enough. I would be done and be able to cross it off of my to do list. However, that is so wrong. Worshipping, praising, and loving God is not something that I will someday be able to cross off a to do list. It is a continuous thing. It needs to always go on. Maybe that is why I struggle so much because I don't see the end. I get discouraged and wonder if this is the right track. But then, I wake up to a bright spring day seeing the change and I know that this is the right track. In the dead of winter I always wonder if it will ever be sunny again? But over time, the sun pops out and I feel refreshed and I know that I can manage these winter months because the sun is still there. I know I can handle my walk with Christ when I see little bits of Him all over the place. I know that this is just temporary. As the world around me turns into spring every day, my goal is to turn into Christ everyday. I will set small goals for myself that will accomplish bigger goals. This way I can still cross things off of my list and feel accomplished. After all I am a tad OCD... :-)

One day at a time

Another crazy weekend has come and gone. I am wondering when the madness will stop? When will I be able to settle down and enjoy a quiet weekend. I almost want a huge snow storm to come and bury me in my house. (ALMOST) I am looking for Christ to settle to me down and prepare me for 2 more weeks until I can enjoy spring break. However, I am not thinking two weeks at a time. I am thinking one day at a time. Today my thoughts are one the swim team. I am going to give me all to those little kids. They are so excited to swim. Their eyes light up and it's the best feeling in the world. So today is swim team. Go Stingers...

True Love

The other day I was cuddled up to my love and I sighed and said "I'm stressed" and then the tears came rolling out. They were coming so hard I couldn't control them. I couldn't stop them and it was okay. Roger said nothing. He held me close while I let him know what was wrong. I was stressed about school, work, money, the future, today, yesterday...anything and everything. You name it I was crying about it. However, when I was looking back at the whole situation. I feel overwhelmed with love. Roger loves me more than anything. Have you ever been that in love? So in love that it actually hurts you? I can't believe that Roger willing chooses to love me. How amazing! I am so blessed to be this in love. What is even more amazing is that God loves me more than that. Wow. I have never been so amazed by God's love. Can you relate? Is there something tangible here on earth that reminds you of your heavenly father?

2 Snow Day!

There is something absolutely wonderful about knowing that you cannot go anywhere! All of your plans have flown out the window because you know that it is unsafe to travel. You can't go and pick up a few things at the grocery store so you make due with what you have. You are trapped in your own house, surrounded by family who is also unable to carry on with their schedules. This is the beauty of a snow day. Normally, snow days would ruin everything for me. I hated the fact that I would get up, get ready for school and then find out that they cancelled school. However, now that I am alittle older and maybe wiser, I welcome snow days into my life. Maybe it is because it forces me to be still. I am not sure but I love them! I am SO blessed because today I get my second snow day! This one will be interupted by work in the late afternoon but that is okay. I have all morning to sit around in my PJ's and do whatever I want! God is good to me. He gives me everything that I need! I am not saying that He gave me this storm so I would be able to slow down alittle but I am praise His name for His powerful hand. Two snow days were just what I needed! :-)

:-)

Kettle Corn...
IBC Rootbeer...
Grey's Anatomy...

...I love Snow days!!!!

Grumpy Tuesday

Here is how my Tuesday went...

-Woke up at 6:15 to be in Binghamton by 8:30 for class...
-Sat through 2 classes that I could have VERY easily skipped...
-I wasn't able to eat anything until 2PM...
-2 hours of very hard swim lessons with kids who don't really have any desire to learn
-1.5 hours of studying for accounting knowing that I would have more time since I wasn't going to lifeguard during the night...
-Swim team...48 kids who could care less about swimming.
-Lifeguard didn't show up for her shift...
-Stuck at the Y an extra 2 hours not allowing myself to study
-37 swimmers in the pool. My limit is 20 per 1 guard. Someone "forgot" to tell me about the UPK Swim
-3 boys who were choking each other and wouldn't listen to me...
-1 cell phone at the bottom of the pool
-Cell phone is dead
-Verizon not open past 9PM
-Bed by 10:30
-Wednesday morning...up at 5AM to study for Accounting

Not sure what the Lord is trying to do within me. I thought everything was going fine. I was able to pay off my major debt and now I will have to add back to it. I just don't really know what's going on. Maybe God wants more control of my life? I don't know. I thought He had all control but maybe He thinks differently...Going to spend some time in my devotions before heading off to a very busy day at school. Grumpy Tuesday is behind me. Today is a new day!