Smart Shopper...

I am currently sitting at work but there is no one in the pool, so I snuck out to my office to do a little Christmas Shopping!!! CBD is having there prefered customer's sale and of course I had to buy something :-). I was able to order Jaxon a Veggie Tales DVD 75% off! I got three Max Lucado Books for some of my girl friends to go in their coffee/hot chocolate gift set and they cost my only $1.99!! I got two devotion books (one for me and one for a friend) and it was 90% off!! So so so happy. I was also able to buy my wonderful boyfriend something. However, I cannot share that with you because well he reads this. I wouldn't want to ruin a surprise! Anyways, I love Christmas Shopping. I love giving! I am so excited with my purchases. What a great deal it was!!! Shopping this early in the morning is a great start to anyone's day!!

Late Lifeguards and Rainy Days...

If I haven't mentioned before, I have the world's craziest schedule. I mean the craziest. Let's start with Tuesdays, I work from 5:00am-5:30pm. No breaks. Lifeguarding, Office Hours, and Swim Lessons. I come home and talk to Roger and am in bed by 8! Wednesdays, I work 5:00-9:30am and then run off to school from 11-6:0pm... and this is where I will stop since that is as far as my day has gotten. Wednesdays my lifeguard is suppose to show up at 9:00am, leaving me a half an hour to shower, blow dry my hair, do my make up and get dressed. Well, she was late 15 mintues late. Which means I don't get to shower and rush to do everything else. It is very upsetting. VERY UPSETTING. Running this late means I don't get coffee :-( It was also down pouring the entire way there. I hate driving in the rain. And then I forgot my rain boots! What a soaking wet day it was. For the better part of my day I focused on these awful things. From 5:30am until probably 11:30am, I complained, grumbled in my heart, did not have a positive attitude. I was done with that. I was done with that awful feeling that I had in my heart. At noon, I said a little prayer in my heart and my day instantly changed. I was able to complete all of my homework in very little amount of time. I changed my shoes to my lovely hot pink crocs so that my feet could dry out. Accounting Class was great. I got out early and was able to squeeze in a quick lunch. My operations class also went well. All the problems were so easy and it actually wasn't boring. My MIS class as great only because I texted my amazing boyfriend the entire time. (Don't worry I took notes...you would have to be in the class to understand...) He just lit up my night! He always says the sweetest things. I just adore him!!! After my class, Mrs. Darling met me before her class and gave me some stuff to get subs for dinner. So now I sit in an oversized stuffed recliner with my all better blanket (a post for a different time), very content and loved...

So what is the take away from all of this? I strongly believe that God can change your day with just a simple prayer. God is powerful and in control. We just need to let Him be in control. We need to allow Him to apart of our everyday life. Amazing stuff isn't it?

The Honest Truth...

I used to journal everyday religiously while I was in high school. Whether I was gushing about my latest crush, my best friends, or my family, I was writing; always writing. I continued that trend all the way into college and would even find times to write over the summer even while I was at camp. However, when my mom and step dad decided to get divorced, I stopped. For a while I just blamed it on the fact that I didn't have the time, but that is not the reason. I hate writing. I hate journaling because it forces me to be honest with myself. How can I ignore my own thoughts about my day when they are in my mind. Sure I could lie or leave out facts but then journaling isn't doing what it is supposed to be doing in my life. I miss writing. I think that it is a freeing experience. When I write my thoughts and know that I have said what I want to say, I feel relaxed. I feel as if I do not have to carry all of these problems around in my head. I feel like I am almost giving them away and in a sense, I am turning them over to God. So why haven't I been writing? Is it the honesty of it all, probably. But this weekend I found out that my boyfriend writes. He is a journaler (if that is a word). He just recently started but he writes to free himself as well. If you knew my beloved Roger you would be shocked! He hates to write. Making him write a paper is like pulling teeth, but reading what is really on his heart, just melts you. I figured if he can do it, I definitely can...

So what to write about? Oh the choices are endless. I have so many thoughts running through my head. I think that I will settle on God's forgiveness. If there ever was a topic that I felt comfortable talking about it would be God's forgiveness in my life. I have and am still struggling with these Christian phrases that people use all the time. You know like God is Good All the Time and God allows everything to happen for a reason, those sayings that people tell you to make you feel better. Please don't get my wrong. I think that these are great things to say but I am working on believing them. And trust me that is a whole different post. For now though, I do know that God's forgiveness is amazing. I believe that He forgives you for all of your sins, that no sin is too great that He won't forgive. I know this because God has forgiven me from a multitude of sins, as far as the East is from the West. He has forgiven me. It is something that I often take for granted. Who doesn't? But isn't it amazing that He doesn't give up on us and keeps forgiving us for the same problems? It's ironic to me because we ask that our children give us first time obedience. We sing this song with the little boy that I live with that says something like I will obey the first time, never asking why and never with a sigh. He knows that if he does not obey the very first time that He will have a punishment. God asks the same thing of us and yet we mess up with the same sin all the time. We know that there is a punishment but we are like most toddlers and we just do not care. We will sin anyways. That's amazing. We demand obedience from our children and God demands it from us and we take Him less seriously. What if we applied that first time obedience factor to our own lives? If we obeyed the first time then we wouldn't have to always ask for forgiveness for the same problems! It's a random thought I know, but it is my thought and it is the thought I will carry through the day. First time obedience to God. Just think about it.

New Start

Today I started my very first day at Binghamton University. I was very overwhelmed as I pulled into the parking lot. I had a very hard time finding a place to park, but nevertheless, here I am! Even though I am parked a good ways away from campus. I love starting new things. I love the smell of new notebooks and brand new syllabi in front of me on my desk. I also get very anxious; I never know what to expect! I am however, learning to let God be in complete control. After a whole summer of not having a car and not knowing if I will have a car, I have learned to completely trust God. I have learned, like many times before, that His ways are better than mine. One would think that this lesson need only to be learned once, but that is not the case. God continues to teach me and stretch me. So far, I am up to the challenge! I am excited to see what God will do with my new school, my new classes, and my new schedule. I am trusting Him and I know that I cannot be disappointed!

The Tough Questions...

Lately, I have been feeling this overwhelming struggle to face some tough questions in my life. I have pushed them off as much as possible as I was afraid to face the music. To make a long story short, Saturday, I said goodbye to a dear friend of mine. I was heartbroken and in tears. On my 30 minute drive to my boyfriend's house, I spent it crying out to God. I was so anger. It seems to me that saying goodbye to this friend awoken something in me. I questioned God and even doubted that He knew what was going on in my life. There were no more tears until Sunday night. Roger and I sat in his living room with all the lights off watching a thunderstorm. It was then that I shared my doubts about God. All of my life, I have heard people say things like, "it happens for a reason," "God will work everything out for good," "God is fair and just," and I confessed that I don't believe that those sayings are true. I felt so awful as I said those things. All my life I have heard those things, I have even said those things to other people but I am not sure if I ever believed it. That is what make me most upset. In our Christian world, people say little sayings all the time but do they actually believe it? Sure they believe it when its someone else who is struggling but when it is there own life do they actually believe that God is fair and just. That's where I am. Do I actual believe it? Sure, I know in my head that it is true. I have read the scriptures, I have spent time in prayer, but now I need to bring it down to my heart. These issues need to be heart issues. I know these things are true but now I need to make them true in my life. I am not sure if any of this even makes sense to you who are reading this, but that's what on my heart. I long to be closer to God and I know that asking some tough questions will eventually bring me to the face of Jesus.

What is the QBQ?

I am sad to say that it has been almost a week and I feel that I am right back where I started. Last Sunday, I was in a tough place and spent some serious time crying and crying out to Jesus. I finally felt at peace as I entered the doors to BaYouCa. I felt like everything was under control. I had a wonderful week. I spent 36 hours out in the woods for Project Adventure. A 15 mile hike, little food, and a whole lot of laughs. I think that I can finally say that I see the positive side of Project Adventure. While the BYC Staff was on this trip, the leader, Jim, told us that we would be spending 4 hours in the woods for "solo time" a time for you and God. At first, I was angry. I hate being out in the woods and now he was going to leave me for four hours by myself in these woods. How awful! I got to my spot and spent the next hour pouring my heart out to God as the tears poured from my face. I spent some much needed time with God. I felt at ease. I finally 100% believe that I am right with God. It was the best part of Project Adventure. The BYC Staff was sitting through another sessions called MML and QBQ. QBQ is what struck me the most. QBQ means question based on a question. To sum it up, instead of just asking random questions that don't point anywhere, we are supposed to ask questions that start with what and how (if I remember correctly) How can I change the situation? What can I do to fix the current problem. The question was to included an "I" and an action word. What a great idea! Now I can finally take hold of the situation. However, when I returned home to go to my brother's party I was faced with some QBQs. In the same room sat my step father who I no longer speak to and my biological father who I have not seen in 10 years. It was awkward. A rush of emotions came over me and I melted. I said my hellos to my brother and left. I came home and found myself once again crying a river. So what is the QBQ? I have no idea. I feel helpless. I feel so many emotions that I can't wrap my head around it. I feel abandoned by my Heavenly Father even though I know He has NEVER left, but I still feel that way. I feel on the edge, not sure which way to turn. I feel like that hour where I poured myself out to God was worthless. But then I remembered this saying, " If you haven't changed, you haven't learned." I feel like I have learned but maybe I haven't changed. Is it possible that I could have tricked myself into going through the motions without having a real heart change? I once again feel lost. I have no idea what is going on. Is Satan trying to attack my very core as a Christian? Is this a test from God? Or are these trivial things in my life nothing more than trivial things? What is going on? How can I learn and change? This is my honest prayer, "change me Lord, reveal yourself to me in such a way that I could never ignore you. Show me the way..."

Heavy Heart.

I have much to say and no time to say it in. But for now, I will write that my heart is heavy. There are so many unanswered questions so many possibilites. Sometimes, no matter how hard you want to feel "better" inside, God wants you to continue to work through the tough times. My heart is heavy and God knows. God is in control. I am not!