Doing. Doer. Fixing.

My default is to do. I am doer. I get hurt, I fix it. I feel sad, I comfort myself. I feel betrayed, I build a wall. A friend is hurt, I help. I am a doer, a doer of all sorts of things, not always a bad thing but sometimes it's a very bad thing. Truthfully my doer mentality is a mask I wear to cover the insecurity I feel in any given situation. I am an insecure person. Yeah, how's that for some honesty?

Today it hit me how much of a doer (okay we can use the word control freak) that I am. I control so that I feel safe or secure in my environment. It's like a huge struggle for me, you don't even know. I was cleaning my house thinking over the last week or so and I was overwhelmed with all that I had to do.

There is my friend who is going through some tough times...
There is a family who is hurting...
There is a boy who is seeking truth...
There is a home that needs order...
There are some ugly habits that need to be addressed...
There is a husband who needs my attention...
There are items at work to be taken care of...
There is a family traveling to see us...
There are items to be done with the new apartment..
There are budget concerns...
There is...
There is...
There is...

I mean seriously, you get the picture.

You know what I started to do? Fix them. Yup. I made a mental to-do list on how to fix all of the above situations. I mean come on, I am a doer, let's fix it all. I can do this, say this, make this, buy this, take care of this. I can fix (control) whatever comes my way.

Do you want to know where that got me? Crying ugly sobs at the bottom of my shower. It's how I roll when life gets to me. I cry in the shower. Yup, like a boss. Gah so much honesty tonight.

But as I am sitting there, crying in my shower, something came over me, something very powerful. This voice reminding me again that I am falling back into my same patterns. I am leaning on my own strength to do the to-do list that I have created. I struggle against myself and Satan instead of giving it over to God. I instantly felt convicted, why oh why do I go to my "doer" mentality when life hands me something I may or may not like? Why is my first thought myself? Why don't I turn it over to Jesus first and see what He has to say? Why do I take on this extra burden of doing it myself? I mean this is something you learn day 1 if you grew up in the church. Give it to Jesus, He will take care of it, He has a plan. Is it that I don't believe that? Or is it that I trust myself more than Jesus? Do I not think Jesus won't come through for me? I mean He has before but this time is different. Clearly He is too busy with someone else.

I hate this pattern of falling back into the same thing. I want to learn. I want Jesus to change me from the inside out. I want His name to the first I think of when there is a to-do. I want Jesus to have my burden and to handle it. It's a learning cycle (Dave!!) and I kind of have a love hate relationship with that. I love that Jesus is refining me and changing me but I wish I would learn this already. I mean who wants to ugly cry in their shower? Not me. Sigh. 

Trials.

In my life, I know when God is up to something because He repeats Himself a million times. It may be through a friend, a sermon, hearing a song differently, or a conversation but He repeats and I have now learned to listen.

I am learning that God is good, that suffering is necessary and that I enjoy being in the valley because that's where Jesus hangs out. I am, for the first time in my life, really believing that I can "consider it pure joy when I face trials..." I really am understanding what some of the greats of the Bible understood about Jesus, about how He is the sweetest thing in our lives.For me, it's always been Jesus plus something for me but now, it's just Jesus. Just give me Jesus.

I have been reading this fabulous book "Shattered Dreams" by Larry Crabb and it has transformed my way of thinking about suffering. A few weeks ago I wrote out the 3 lessons for broken people...

Lesson One:

The good news of the gospel is not that God will provide a way to make life easier. The good news, for this life, is that He will make our lives better. We will be empowered to draw close to God and to love others well and to do both one central purpose, to glorify God, to make Him look good to any who watch us live.

It's Jesus. The good news of the gospel is that we get direct access to Jesus and restored communion with Him. We get an intimate relationship with Jesus, a relationship that we have never experienced, if we allow Him to transform our hearts. So how does this relate to trials and the mess that life is sometimes? Well, as Larry said, "If dreams never shattered, we would continue to believe a lie and value only what God can do for us now; we would value neither His Presence nor all that He intends to do later. And we would not be willing to pay the devastating price required to experience His Presence now." 

You have to have trials to really experience Jesus. 

Lesson Two:

When God seems most absent form us, He is doing His most important work in us. 

Think of Jesus on the cross, He cried out to His Father "Why have you forsaken me?" God said nothing, God didn't take Jesus off the cross or take away His suffering, God left Jesus there and for a very good reason! It was during that exact time that "God was in the Son reconciling the world to Himself" (Thank you Lord for that!) God was still around, He may have been silent but He was still there working even though it may not have been known to everyone. How great it is to remember that even though He may seem silent, He is actually working in the background for us? Yes, I just love that. Don't you?

Seasons of personal suffering are opportunities for God to do His deepest work. I know that to be true in my life. God does His best work in me when I am the most hurt, when life has knocked me on the floor and I have no reason to move on. God is at work and it is during those very dark days that He is forever changing me.

Trials actually bring us closer to Jesus. 

Lesson Three:

It isn't always good to be blessed with the good things of life. Bad times provide an opportunity to know God that blessing can never provide. 

Larry says it best:

"We fight against three enemies: the world, the flesh, and the devil. Each does terrible damage, often in subtle ways. Suffering is required if we're to discover a desire for God strong enough to help us decline the world's invitation to an immediately good time, to resist the devil's suggestion that all goodness may not reside within God, and to see through the false reasoning of the flesh."

Let me tell you what, I am starting to really believe that if I had everything I have ever dreamed about in life (A father, healthy relationships, perfect marriage, and a great house just to name a few) I would never need Jesus. Sure maybe I would feel this desire of something more but I could fill it with something. I know,without a doubt in my mind,that without real trials in my life, Jesus would never mean as much to me. And you know what? I believe it. I believe that Jesus is enough and I believe that I need trials in my life. 

Trials point us to Jesus in a way a blessing never could.

These last few month have been the sweetest time in my faith journey. I have spent more time journaling, praying, reading, studying, and just being in His Presence that I ever have before. Sure. trials suck and the ones I am going through now are not fun but I know that Jesus in there with me, even though He is silent, He is there. I also know that He is good and I can trust Him through the hard times. While the hurricane may blow around me, I am calm and at peace in the center of who He is. 

Guys, I just can't get enough of what Jesus is doing in my life. I am just in awe of how He is transforming me.

 May I never be the same again. 

Breaking the Cycle

The cursor on this blog page mocks me as I try to sort through my thoughts tonight.

Sometimes, I just need to write and get it out there. Sometimes when I write I realize how absolutely ridiculous I sound and sometimes when I write I find truth that has been buried in the layers of my heart.

My mind has been busy and has not given me the rest I crave. I have been fighting the schemes of the devil again, doing it alone and failing miserably. I have been trying to resist him and his crafty ways, only to be caught up in his web of lies. 

I have not fought the devil rather I have been deceiving myself into thinking I am. 

I open the Word tonight and read out of 1 John 3:8 "Whoever makes a practice of sinning is of the devil, for the devil has been sinning from the beginning. The reason the Son of God appeared was to destroy the works of the devil."

Me? Sinning? Sinning with the devil?! Say it isn't so!

You mean the past weeks where I have complained almost in every breathe about everything under the sun? Where I literally broke into tears over the fact that I had to go somewhere to support my husband? Me? Sin? As I sat on my love seat this past weekend purposely avoiding my husband because he didn't love me the way I wanted to? Me? The girl who controls every.single.situation? Whose hands get sweaty when things don't go my way? Oh gosh not me! I am the one who posts Christian things on Facebook and I am the one who has been listening to David Platt at work. I am the one who says everything is great, always great, always strong, never alone, never letting my guard down. 

Not me. Certainly not me. Nope. 

Fail.

And here I sit reading the verse above with the answer in hand. "The reason the Son of God appears was to destroy the works of the devil." And yet, I also sit here alone, scheming some way that I can control my life situations so I don't have to involve Jesus, sure keep Him in my mind and reference Him when I need to but not have control. I mean He came to destroy the works of the Devil, how am I involved in that?

And then a few verses over 1 John 4: 13 " By this we know that we abide in Him and He in us, because He has given us the Spirit."

Jesus in me? The same Jesus that has come to destroy the devil mentioned before?  He abides in me and I in Him? 

He abides in me and I in Him. 

He abides in me and I in Him.

What freedom is in that simple saying! My soul comes alive and my heart jumps as I recall all that He has done for me, all that He has given me, all that the Word promises that He has done for me and will do for me. 

He is my comforter, He battles for me, He overcame death, He makes my heart new, He gives me breathe every morning, He knows my inner thoughts. He is good. He is great. He is the one the choirmaster in Psalms says "Better is one day in your courts than a thousand days elsewhere." He is the one that has pulled me out of situations that are too hard for me to face. He is love and He loves me and has chosen me. He gave me the gift of eternity. 

He abides in me and I in Him.

Everything else seems trivial when I recount His worthiness. 

A time of change has come for me. I am done with the days where my heart is full of anxiety, fear, and complaints.  The Word of God is good and does great things for my soul and it's time to break the cycle these past few weeks and change. It's time to spend lunch hours reading the Bible with a close friend, a time for meaningful prayer, a time to dive into the Word and stop letting people spoon feed it to me, a time to read books that challenge me, a time to ask the hard questions and to look on my Savior as my one true fulfillment. 

A time of change.

And yes, I will need to be reminded of this probably as soon as I shut this computer but that's what community is for. We need each other and we need Jesus. Break the cycle with me? Enough is enough. 

He abides in me and I in Him. 

What a powerful statement. 

What a powerful God. 

Disasters and Promises.

The title of the sermon today was "Dealing with Disaster," and it's a good thing I have never had to deal with anything like that (insert sarcasm.)  Actually, I sat there very uncomfortable thinking that I was going to hear a 10 point message about how to deal with my disaster. to move past whatever stuff was going on in my life, and be everyone's best friend...I did not want to hear it. Obviously Jesus had other plans because as I sat there singing the closing song, I had tears streaming down my face so thankful for the message. I walked away extremely comforted and loved by the words that my Pastor shared.

Life is hard. People are hard. People hurt and life hurts sometimes. We as Christians are actually promised that "in this world we will have trouble..." but the good news is that Christ has overcome the world. John 16:33 And that is what hit me today. The God that parted the Red Sea is the God that walks with my through the valley and not any valley but my valley, that's powerful guys. In the midst of any difficult situation God still has a plan and He can still redeem any situation. God's fighting here for me, even today, and He is active in my life.

The problem for me at least is where do I put my hope? When hardship arise what do I run to?  10 times out of 10 I put my hope in myself, another person, or I just don't deal with it and hope it goes away which never works out for me. This is why I am comforted today because in the midst of crazy, God is there because He has never left me. God will deliver. God will redeem. God will come through and I needed to be reminded of that today.

And if that's what you need to be reminded of today, let me share some verses that I cling to when disaster is at my doorstep...

Deuteronomy 31:8
The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.

Psalm 23:4
Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. 

Psalm 119:76
May your unfailing love be my comfort, according to your promise to your servant. 

Isaiah 49:13
Shout for joy, you heavens; rejoice, you earth; burst into song, you mountains! For the LORD comforts his people and will have compassion on his afflicted ones. 

Lamentations 3:25
The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; 

2 Corinthians 1:3-4
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. 

Is Jesus Enough?

Is Jesus enough?

This question has been haunting me the past 24 hours and I wish it would stop. (Since I am being honest...)

Will Jesus be enough for me if...

... relationships are never fixed even though I desperately want them to be
... my husband doesn't leave me a sweet note when I am having a bad day
... we never get out of debt
... if people talk about me behind my back
... if God takes everyone I love away from me
... if work is hard
... if marriage/life is hard
... if I lose my best friend
... if I have to do another load of laundry
... if God asks something hard of me
... if fill in the blank

These are all things that have been running through my mind. Of course I want to say that Jesus is enough for me, who doesn't want to get the sunday school answer correct but what does my life say about that question?

My life says that daily I battle with worldly desires, temptations, quick meaningless whatevers so that I can experience short-term satisfaction and claim to be happy. My life says that I claim Jesus is enough but I don't live it. My life says that Jesus is enough PLUS this over here on the side...

Of course, thank goodness, there is grace so much grace, but when will the time come that my life matches what I say? I can keep living this watered- down, don't hold me accountable for anything, comfortable Christian life but when do I take sin seriously and when I do really start believing that Jesus is enough for me? And more importantly when does my life show that I believe Jesus is enough for me?

Tough question, even tougher when I am really real with myself.

I leave you with a verse that I found encouraging today...

"For You are my rock and my fortress; and for Your name's sake, You lead me and guide me, You take me out of the net they have hidden for me, for You are my refuge. Into your hand I commit my spirit and You have redeemed me O Lord, faithful God." Psalm 31: 3-5

How do I?

"The single greatest cause of Atheism today is Christians, who acknowledge Jesus with their lips and deny Him by their lifestyle."

This idea of praising Jesus with my mouth and then denying him with my lifestyle has been breaking my heart for weeks now. I have read several books on how we are supposed to be different as Christians, I have listened to countless messages on this issue and I watched a movie tonight that questions Christianity in America and how following Jesus is actually supposed to look. 

It's hard stuff guys and I am not sure I can even process it, let alone try to explain it here on my blog. 

It wrecks me to know that how I live my life could potentially either lead someone to Christ or make them completely turn the other way. (I am not taking ANYTHING away from the Holy Spirit here...) 

So how am I different? How does my life look different than that of the unbeliever next to me? If you asked me co-worker if I was a Christian would they know? Or would they just say I am a nice girl? In my heart I want to say yes of course they know I am a Christian, I don't swear, I don't party, I go to church, I live a simple life but so what... so do the Amish people and they may not be Christians... I mean seriously how does my life look different?

And this is where I am stuck and not stuck like someone should message me and say oh you are a good person, if you say you love God then people will know... blah blah blah I am done with this luke warm Christianity  non sense that my world seems to be stuck on. (Sorry that may be harsh...)

No the question is how do I do it differently, I mean every aspect of my life differently? How do I allow Christ to flood my thoughts so that everything truly is different?

How do I love Roger?
How do I maintain a home?
How do I take care of my body?
How do I present myself? Do I care about how i look, what I wear, and what size i am in? (Not saying do not take care of yourself...)
How do I react to my family situations when I would rather pretend they are not there?
How do I react to a stupid co-worker who just doesn't get it?
How do I react to my boss changing my plans?
How do I do church?
How do I worship?
How do I do community?
Where does my money go?
Where does my time go?

And you know that this list could go on and on but when will I start to take this Jesus stuff serious? He died for me and I give Him half of me (gosh half is generous...) what is up with that? Why don't I try harder?  And I should add in here that I DO NOT think that "acting" like I am different and "doing" the right things makes me a Christ follower or better than you. I can quickly become legalistic and I am not trying to create a check list for my Christian walk. 

I am talking about true heart change. The kind of heart change where I really see people for how Christ sees them because Lord knows I am a mess up and He saved me. The kind of heart change that honestly, most days I don't want, I am comfortable and okay right where I am. This kind of heart change does crazy to people and I don't want crazy. I want okay but Jesus never promised me that so why do I chase after the okay life? 

Gosh, more questions than answers but it is clear to me that Jesus is stirring something up in my heart. I know that probably before I go to bed, I will fall but Jesus has saved me and His grace and mercies are new each day. 

I would like to apologize if this post doesn't sit well with you but the truth is I can't because maybe there is a reason you aren't a fan of reading it, who knows. Writing helps me process and I needed this space to write. Also I should apologize because tonight I wrote like I would talk and if it doesn't flow well then welcome to my world :) :) 

Until we meet again cyber world! 

Meet The Darlings & Mercy Branch

Their son, Scotty and I at a family wedding

The Darling's are one of my most favorite families in the world. They are genuine, compassionate, Christ-followers who welcomed me into their family as one of their own; they are the real deal. I don't remember when they became my family but it happened and now they are stuck with me.

I met Jim and Tiffany before they had kids but really didn't get to know them until after their daughter Cadi was born. I think it was that second summer at BaYouCa when I really got to know them and the relationship just continued. They have been with me through my journey. Jim was there for me, standing in the middle of the field at camp when I announced my family was being torn apart again. He was there for me when I started to date a guy from his home church. I just found a Facebook message from when I was first interested in Roger and I asked Jim to see what kind of guy Roger was. They welcomed me into their home to love on their kiddos and eventually their kids became my sister and my brothers.

My first brown-eyed love, Jamesy

Tiffany completely changed my view on life when they announced that they were adopting Jamesy. I actually remember where I was on the BU campus when they called to tell me, I was ridiculously excited and had no idea what it would mean for my own life. Soon our conversations changed, no longer were we talking Coach bags but instead having conversations about the least of these and what that means in our lives. Tiffany changed my life by her faith story and Jim changed me with his soft spot for families and watching him break over both of his sons being stuck in Ethiopia. They have completely ruined me but in the best way possible.

Roger's buddy, Habi. You know what I mean?

Jim and Tiffany changed my husband's view on life when they took him to ET for a missions trip. He came back a different man. He had the eyes of Jesus, he saw people differently and he cared for people differently. I am forever grateful to Jim and Tiffany for asking Roger to go to Africa.

I dug out Roger's journal to share a part with you and show you his heart. He was sitting in church listening and crying while praise and worship was going on. A little girl about 8 years old sat with him and he fell in love. This is what he has to say, " She was a little taller than my waist, very short black curly hair and a beautiful smile. I wanted to ask if she had a family but it didn't feel appropriate. It pained me so much to leave her. That was definitely the most real adoption has been to me. I definitely want to unconditionally love someone that has no one to love them." 



Jim and Tiffany have done so much for Roger and I and truthfully I could go on and on but I won't because it is time for Roger and I to do something for them.

Tiffany and I, a picture I cherish. 

A little over a month ago, they asked us to help be apart of the 501c3 corporation that they were starting. We instantly said yes not knowing what it entailed. The corporation is called Mercy Branch and it is based out of North Carolina. Currently, we both sit on the board for Mercy Branch and are helping them get to Africa. As board members, we were asked to help fund raise to help offset the cost of them moving over to Addis Ababa, Ethiopia. Their heart is with the 150,000 children that roam the streets of Ethiopia, one I am particularly fond of but that is a different story. They want to disciple, love and train them to be men and women of God. Check out the full story here at Mercy Branch.

They cannot get there on their own means and have reached out to us to see if we can assist. Jim has prayerfully asked each board member to raise $5,000 which means for Roger and I, we are looking to raise $10,000. Truthfully, when we first got the email we both were like oh great, no way can we do that but the more we talked about it and prayed about it we truly believe God can do anything.

So here's what we did... we took our guest room door and put 100 note cards on the back of it and we are asking 100 people to give $100 or more as they feel led. When someone gives $100 or we get the equivalent of $100, we will write the names on the cards and update you guys on how it is going. I know this seems like a huge task but when I look at our Facebook friends alone, I have 275 friends and Roger has 413 this means that we could really get to our goal if only a small percentage donated!

You should know that we would not ask you to donate to an organization that we did not fully trust and support. (In case you aren't sure, we back this organization and family up 100%). We also will support Mercy Branch with our own finances and will be making sacrifices to be able to do so. We are committing to $200 for this pledge and believe that God is also asking us to give as monthly supporters down the road.

So you see, we really only have 98 left to go! Can you be one of our 100? If so, Mercy Branch offers secure giving through their online site. (Give here) Or you can mail a check to Mercy Branch at PO Box 80023 Raleigh NC 27623.

If you do decide to give as apart of the 100 people we need to reach our goal, can you send me an email so I can update my board? b.rose528@gmail.com

My sister Cadi with me on my wedding day

Roger and I have prayed over each of these cards and we truly do believe that God can do anything. I do hope you consider giving and praying for Jim and Tiffany and Mercy Branch because God is going to do great things through them and He gets all the glory for this!

I guess I should mention that they are not perfect people and they are human (have you ever been in a car with Jim in downtown Washington, DC?) They are not holier than us because they are going to Africa nor does Jesus love them more for adopting and caring for street boys. They are following God's calling in their lives and being obedient to His word. It looks different for all of us so please don't think I am sitting here judging you because I am not. I simply love these people, I love their heart and I support God's calling in their lives that is why Roger and I are asking you to donate because we believe God is going to continue to use them in our lives and as well as the lives of the people of Ethiopia.

So what do you say? Ready to help out our dear friends? We sure hope so :) 

Love.

Also, I swear there is a guy named Jim in this family, I just have no photos of us... :)